


I Can't do this!

by littlecupcake7



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Be Careful What You Wish For, Betrayal, F/F, Jealousy, Realisation, Sexy, Surprise Kissing, i told you so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-01-09 08:27:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 82,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12272652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlecupcake7/pseuds/littlecupcake7
Summary: "Funny looking meeting you have" Clarke says with a bite to her tone making your arms cross even tighter."What are you doing here Clarke?" You question trying your best to keep your voice straight and firm, you're sure you failed because your finger nails are digging in to your forearm to stop you from turning around."Is that really a question?" She questions and you hear her voice getting closer but you still keep your eyes on the painting that you will take down later. "You have been radio silent with me. Then I hear from Bellamy you went to New York for a while, you're dodging my calls, ignoring my texts" she explains with anger in her voice. You close your eyes because you're not sure how to explain this away. How can you explain every time you look at her you want to kiss her? How can you explain that you didn't even realise you  were falling for her but you did? You can't anyway because Bellamy is your best friend.  "What's going on Lexa?"





	1. I can't do this!

**I can't do this!  
**  
Part 1

Everything was so easy with her that you find it difficult to believe you didn't realise until it was to late. You remember the first time you heard her name slip past Bellamy Blakes mouth as he confessed he thinks he had found the one, you remember rolling your eyes while thinking it wasn't the first time he had said the same thing about another pretty girl. You didn't take him seriously but agreed to meet your best friends girlfriend anyway just because you could never say no to him. You were running late and was quick to apologise before your eyes landed on the blonde girl sitting beside Bellamy. You knew she was beautiful the moment you laid eyes on her and couldn't help but shamefully wonder how Bellamy had landed you. She was friendly, chatty and dam right giddy and right then I should of knew what she would do to me.  
  
But I didn't.  
  
  
"Miss woods" You hear from the intercom pulling you from the painting stretched across your office wall and the memories you can't seem to escape.  
  
"Yes?" you question after hitting the button to respond.  
  
"I have Clarke Griffin here to see you" she pauses waiting for you to say something, anything at all.  
  
Only you pause too, despite knowing this could possibly happen. You haven't seen her in two weeks because you dropped everything and disappeared to Clear your head. To Clear it of her, not that it worked one bit but work was calling your name and you still had responsibilities to uphold if you wanted to make it to the top in the next five years. You're not ready to see her yet and you know it, you're not even sure if you can ever handle seeing her again, while at the same time that's all you're craving to do. Bellamy Blake you tell your self, reminding you the exact reason why you cant.  
  
"Tell her I'm in a meeting" You hear it coming out your mouth before you have any time to register it, and only then do you realise  how much you really do want to see her as you feel your inside twisting at sending the oblivious Blonde woman away.  
  
You turn back around to admire the painting, the painting she had did. You have absolutely no idea what it is or what story its trying to tell, but you remember telling her it was beautiful when you saw it in her studio, now however you're not sure you were referring to the painting at all. I mean you suppose it is in its creative unique way but you're sure Clarke, and whatever Clarke creates was just beautiful to you. You are defiantly bias. Right then you decide you should take it down.  
  
"You can't just barge-" You hear yell before your door slams open. You don't need to turn around to know Clarke Griffin didn't take no for a answer, truthfully you expected no less and your heart beats harder for it.  
  
"It's ok Katherine" You speak up eyes never turning to face either women instead your arms cross protectively over your chest as you stay facing the mystery lines and smudges infront of you. So far all you can see in it is a dot to dot puzzle and you tell your self to focus on that instead of the blue eyes burning in to the back of your head. You hear the door close and you know its only you two left, and so you let the silence linger because you know Clarke cant stay quiet for long.  
  
"Funny looking meeting you have" Clarke says with a bite to her tone making your arms cross even tighter.  
  
"What are you doing here Clarke?" You question trying your best to keep your voice straight and firm, you're sure you failed because your finger nails are digging in to you're forearm to stop you from turning around.   
  
"Is that really a question?" She questions and you hear her voice getting closer but you still keep your eyes on the painting that you will take down later. "You have been radio silent with me. Then I hear from Bellamy you went to New York for a while, you're dodging my calls, ignoring my texts" she explains with anger in her voice. You close your eyes because you're not sure how to explain this away. How can you explain every time you look at her you want to kiss her? How can you explain that you didn't even realise you  were falling for her but you did? You can't anyway because Bellamy is your best friend.  "What's going on Lexa?"  
  
  
"Nothing" You lie and you think its the biggest one you have ever told with just one word. It feels nothing less than nothing. "I'm just busy Clarke. This is my work Clarke, you cant just come barging in" She say calmly despite loving that she did, you feet are itching to turn around but you remain still with your arms crossed with your sleeves rolled up. You're grateful you didn't wear skin tight black trousers today because you are sure you're shaking.  
  
"look at me!" Clarke orders and you know she had stepped even closer because her voice is even louder. You duck your head and close your eyes biting you lip harshly to pull yourself together. When you do you know your voice and eyes are stern and hard along with the line of your lips. You will not falter you tell yourself. "Why don't you want to see me or speak to me even?" she questions and you see the sadness in her blue eyes and you crumble just a little.  
  
"I'm just busy" You shrug and you know you have faltered in your eyes.  
  
"Don't lie to me!" she snaps turning around and pacing quickly before turning back around with a even harder stare than you can even manage, and for a moment you want to ask her how she does it so well. "Lexa we speak everyday, we have spoken everyday for the last god knows how many months and you was just as busy then, so what the hell is going on!" she snaps and you tighten your lips in anger willing yourself to shut your dam mouth, but fail anyway.  
  
"Just leave!" You snap and your voice is loud and harsh and full of regrets but you need her to as you eye Clarke standing there with a messy bun, baggy jeans and a sweater. You swear you have never seen her look more beautiful and it scares you because you were meant to Clear your head. It scares you because she is angry and shouting and yelling and still you are thinking about what those lips taste like and what it would be like to shut her up. You're scared because you cant be mad at her and she crumbled your walls to the ground and you cant seem to put them back up when ever she is around. You sigh loudly as you turn around pressing your hand to your forehead as you are unable to stop feeling the pit of guilt in your stomach for shouting at her and watching hurt and confusing flash in blue eyes. "Please" You plead and you're aware you sound pathetic. "Just go home to Bellamy, ok"  
  
"No" She says firmly coming closer to you, but you cant let her do that, because if she is close you get overwhelmed, and if you're overwhelmed you're not sure you can handle yourself anymore, not close. So you snap, you turn around quicker than you ever have with fiery eyes stepping closer to her in challenge "Get out of my office Clarke, I don't want you here!" you almost shout wide eyes while stepping in her space. You watch her flinch and step back bumping in to the desk behind her from moving away and instantly you tremble. You tremble because she was afraid of you. You tremble because she was scared of what you were going to do and your façade falls. It crumbles because all you care about is making her feel safe again and you never want her to look at you in that way again and you know you succeeded in what you wanted her to do all along when she goes to step around you to leave.  
  
"Wait" You mutter shaking your head like that's not what you mean, while grabbing her arm, your eyes shift between her sad eyes and her lips and god you shouldn't have got this close "I'm sorry" you mutter clamping your eyes closed and willing yourself not to get upset because you scared her. Your body naturally moves closer to the blonde until she is way to close to think, way to close to speak and all she is doing is looking at you hurt, worried and confused but you don't care, she's to close and you cant think.  
  
You press your lips to hers because the ache is to much, your eyes clamp closed so tight because this is what you haven't been able to stop thinking about, its what's been making your stomach go funny from just the thought but the actual thing is driving you crazy. You kiss her softly, like it was the first and last time you would ever do it because it would be and so you let it linger before kissing her once more just to taste her sweet lips again. You pull away slowly with your eyes closed full of regret and guilt but at the same time unsatisfied because she never kissed you back.  
  
"I'm sorry" you quickly say shaking your head and stepping back like she's a disease. "Shit" you mutter once more turning around. "Clarke. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean" You cut yourself of as you hear a door close and as you turn around Clarke Griffin is gone.  
   
  
  
**What do you think? It short because its really pointless to continue something people are not interested in.**


	2. Chapter 2

** I can't do this! **

 

 ****You know the silence and space is what you wanted, its what you demanded without it being up for discussion as you disappeared on a plane for two weeks. Yet now its out of your hands you cant stand it. You click your pen repeatedly as you stare at the painting hanging on your wall lost in the colours and the mystery to what it actually is. You're not sure you actually want to know, as it reminds you of a cloud. One minute your sure its of a man, the next it could be a sword and you hate the thought of walking in the office and just seeing the painting for what it actually is instead of the game you quietly play with yourself everyday.  
  
"Bellamy Blake's on the line Miss Woods" You hear echo through your phone and suddenly your hearts pounding in fear. He's your best friend, has been since college and ever since you have been inseparable, you bonded in the sisterly brotherly way as you played stupid video games, drank cheap beer and he fended of any man who would try to violate you with a arse slap or wolf whistle.  
  
But now you have kissed his girl.  
  
You kissed Clarke Griffin.  
  
You breathe out a breath shakily as you pick up the phone thinking of blue eyes and pouty lip, wondering what she told him.  
  
"Bellamy" You say nervously on the phone but your voice doesn't waver, you don't allow it too, you close your eyes as you wait for the shouting, the how dare you or how could you.  
  
"pip squeak" He beams down the phone and your eyes open at the ridiculous nickname he has called you for the last three years. "You better still be coming tonight" he says and you know his eyebrows are raised in challenge while throwing his stupid baseball that always sits comfortable on his desk.  
  
"Wouldn't miss it" You breathe out relaxing more as you slouch against your desk.  
  
"Good, same time same place woods" he says while you nod at his words  
  
"See you then"  
  
Just like that the conversation comes to a end and you remember the reason why you bonded so well. You were people of few words but somehow managed to bond in away you never have with a friend and in a strange way you never want to again. You would be lying if you said you hadn't thought about tonight before that phone call. It's Wednesday night, which means you and a few friends meet at Bellamy house to catch up, you play video games like you are still in college, Bellamy drinks cheap beer because he loves being reminded of his college days while you have upgraded to wine refusing to ever put beer near your lips again. You only drank it because it was cheap and you were a poor student living on noodles and pizza, but now your life is different and your never going back. You don't care how many times Bellamy tells you to stop being a snob, instead you annoy him by being a bigger one. Only one thing has changed about there Wednesdays over the years and that's Clarke.   
  
You haven't spoken to her since you kissed her and she ran out your office four days ago. Ever since then your work has been slacking and your brain malfunctioning as your phone remained without a single notification from the blonde.  You had thought about texting her, but didn't as you had no clue what to say. There was only one word that you should say, but you're not sure if you really was sorry at all. You slouch back in your chair throwing your pen over the folder laid messily over your desk and you wonder what tonight will be like when Clarke see's you again.  
  
\---  
  
You never bring your own bottle of wine, but tonight you do. You have a feeling your going to need it from the nerves you already feel as you knock on the door. Bellamy normally has a bottle of wine patiently waiting for you on the kitchen counter, but you know others steal some when you're not looking or there drink is all gone. This is for back up you tell yourself as you already think about blue eyes looking at you with so much confusion when you kissed her in your office. How could you be so stupid? The door swings open to a frowning Raven.  
  
"Oh its just you" she says tilting her head to the side. "You made me get up and answer the dam door, what the hell you knocking for you idiot" she says shaking her head already walking back in the house with a huff. "It's just Lexa" Raven shouts out before you hear a few whines.  
  
"Thought the pizza got here early" murphy whines as you follow Raven in.  
  
"What you knocking for?" Bellamy questions his attention still on the flat screen infront of him as he rapidly hits x on his controller.  
  
You hear him but you don't respond, your eyes have already fallen on the girl you kissed four days ago. Your not sure why you are surprised to see her but the jolt that goes through your body full of guilt and want confuses you. The surroundings are the same with the girls sitting around the kitchen table all with a can of beer while the boys sit comfortably on game chairs infront of the telly Bellamy pulls out every Wednesday. You shouldn't have come here, you tell yourself as Clarke quickly diverts her eyes elsewhere. You ignore the drop in your stomach as normally she is the one to greet you with excitement while she drags you over to the table ignoring the boys objections for Lexa to play video games instead. Now she doesn't even want to look at you and you find yourself looking away too.  
  
"What you playing?" you question clearing your throat at you take up residence on the arm of Murphy's chair.  
  
"COD" Bellamy says as you watch him leaning closer to the screen as he shoots someone ready to burst as he dies yet again. "ah come on, he should have died" he yells which brings the first smile to your lips all day, he was always a bad loser its the reason you love playing games with him so much, just to rub it in.  
  
"One on one?" Bellamy questions when the game comes to a end grabbing the third remote  
  
"Aslong as you don't get mad when you lose" you tease taking the remote from his hands and focusing on his screen.  
  
"Pft. Yeah right" he says and it feels like its on replay as he says it every time.  
  
"Clarke, babe can you grab us a beer from the fridge please?" Bellamy yells turning his head  to Clarke and its the first time you hear her speak since you arrive.  
  
"Sure" she says and you think she sounds different but you don't turn around, instead as she walks past you bow your head a little more until she's gone from your vision one again.  
  
\---  
  
Drinking maybe wasn't one of your best ideas you realise as you stand in the kitchen alone trying to ground yourself. You had given up on video games as all you could hear was Clarke talking behind you with the girls and while you pretended like she wasn't constantly on your mind. You lean your hands on the cold kitchen counter before deciding to put your forehead on it to cooling you down. You look ridiculous you know that but you're to drunk to care, yet to sober to be around her. You haven't spoken all night and with every minute that passes it hurts a little more because you realise that the signs you thought you had once seen before convincing yourself you were imaging things you now know was defiantly in your head. You feel embarrassed and stupid and ashamed that you did this to Bellamy.  
  
"What are you doing?" You head and you stand straight at the action acting like you wasn't just slouched over a kitchen counter with possibly the beginning of a hangover.  
  
"Nothing" You say leaning back while crossing your arms and you don't look at her, because you feel stupid. Its the first time she has spoken to you all night, and you know its not because she wants to but rather your in the same room at the same time alone.  
  
"Lexa" she says after a moment of awkwardness and you hear her defeated breath as her hand leans on the kitchen counter.  
  
"Don't" You say quietly embarrassed of your actions as you grip your forearms. "Thank you for not telling Bellamy" You find yourself saying and really you are, but apart of you just wants to be honest with the man you trust more than anyone. "It was a mistake" you mutter struggling to focus on anything as you shake your head. "It shouldn't have happened" you laugh. You hate alcohol in your system because it makes you, weird and less put together. "I just want to forget it. ok" you say and still you look away from her already grabbing for your wine glass and wine bottle, ignoring your body screaming 'no more'  
  
You ignore the silence at you take a mouthful of freshly poured wine and you wonder how she doesn't know there is something wrong.  
  
"I'm not gay" she says after a moment and you find yourself laughing. It's rude but you find the whole thing comical yet heart-breaking, but still your drunk and you are just a dam right idiot because you haven't looked at her till now.  
  
"Noted" You say through a smile and you know its to hide your pain. "Like I said Clarke, a silly mistake" you say rolling your eyes as you tip your wine glass against your lips again. "I Should get back" you say heading back in to the living room, the moment your back is turned your lips fall and your chest pounds but you knew this would happen. A grip on your arm turns you around but you watch as she pulls her hand away so abruptly like she's scared she will catch something from you.  
  
"You're drunk" Clarke says shyly looking Lexa up and down like she suddenly cares.  
  
"I'm fine" You defend.  
  
"You never get drunk"  
  
"Tonight I want to"  
  
"Why?" she questioned through narrowed eyes and you shift uncomfortably under her stare suddenly feeling like you just want to go home.  
  
"Because I can" You simply say and you disappear not wanting to explain it further incase she reads right through it.  
  
You take a seat on the arm of Bellamy's chair and suddenly your sober, your eyes zeroing on the drink in your hand wishing you never touched it. You find yourself watching Bellamy and then turning to Clarke who is sat with her back to you talking to Raven. Your riddled with guilt not only because what you done to Bellamy but because you kissed a girl that never wanted to kiss you in the first place. You place your glass on the side and stand up abruptly.  
  
"I'm going home" you mutter before leaving the house ignoring the calls behind.  
  
  


 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

** I can't do this! **

 

If this was a movie or a book you would inevitably bump in to everyone in away that seems highly unlikely, you would talk, yell maybe but eventually make up. If it were a love story you know you would get the girl, you would fall drunk confess your inner feelings and Clarke would confess she feels the same way and kiss you until Bellamy is lost from both your thoughts. Yet this isn't a movie at all and certainly not a love story. Instead you have twelve missed calls and four messages lighting up your phone, the day before that you had 16 missed calls and 8 messages and each time you scan through them like they were never there to begin with before pushing it in the pocket to your blazer and focusing on your job that will take you places, or maybe its just because your boss has arranged a meeting with you this afternoon and you know its not good.  
  
Your phone vibrates in your pocket once again and you see a message appear.  
  
**Clarke : Can we talk? x**  
  
You laugh a little at nothing because that is the exact reason you are avoiding everyone, because of her. For the first time in your life you're not really sure what to do, and feel you have lost your way, not because you have fell for a girl because you have fell for many but because of who that girl is. Where ever you turn she's there, you even notice that when you're having a normal conversation with someone Clarke Griffins name always seems to pop up. It's more than a little crush, you know that which is why it scares you more. She isn't like anyone you have ever met, she straight forward and always to the point, sometimes it makes you laugh with how abrupt she is but she doesn't care, she never even seems to realise what she has said is not a normal question or far to forward, instead she would just shrug and wait on your answer.  
You're even more scared because since losing your closeness with Clarke over the last week, you have clung to her photo hanging on your wall, the photo you swore to take down but for the life of you cant.  
  
You shake your head pushing your phone back in your pocket and grab your briefcase from the desk and head towards your bosses office trying not to pinpoint when you knew you were fallings for Clarke Griffin.

  
\----  
  
_"Lexa woods are you drunk" Clarke sang pointing a guilt finger at you as she stumbled closer._  
  
_"No Clarke" You laugh holding Clarke up right as she blinks confused at you._  
  
_"All drunk people say that" she said proud of her own answer with a nod of the head. "You're lying" She explains gesturing for you to come closer so she could whisper in your ear. "I won't tell no one" she had said so quietly shaking her head like she would die with it which only made you laugh harder._  
  
_"Our secret" you tell her through a giggle._

 _"Where the hell is the taxi? My tits are getting frost bites!" Raven snapped marching up to you and Clarke._  
  
_"Ha. Tits" Clarke laughed and you could only roll your eyes at how childish and carefree she gets._  
  
_"It said it would be five minute" you shrug looking down the road to see if you could see it coming yet. "Where's Octavia gone?" You question noticing you're missing a head._  
  
_"Toilet" Raven says stumbling in her high heels before huffing and throwing them of. "Girl pisses like Rain"_  
  
_"Lexa's drunk" Clarke says clear as day turning to Raven nodding her head obliviously "Don't tell no one though. ok? Sh!" She says turning back to you which only makes you widen your eyes playfully holding back the laugh you really want to let out._  
  
_"I thought you would keep it a secret?" Lexa question with raised eye brows._  
  
_"I am" she says even more confused now as she stumbled forward a little while wrapping her arms around her chest to keep her warm._  
  
_"You just told Raven"_  
  
_"She does not count, duh" She says as her eye lids fall heavily down before opening again._  
  
_"Right" You laugh while Octavia joins you._  
  
_"What's going on?" Octavia says all bouncy and excited._  
  
_"Lexa's drunk" Clarke says casually shrugging her shoulders._  
  
_"Clarke!" You laugh nudging her playfully. You're not drunk one bit which makes it even more funnier._  
  
_"What?!"_  
  
_"You're telling everyone. I'm never telling you a secret again" You explain with the most serious expression you could muster._  
  
_"What?" she pouts her mouth dropping open in confusion as she looks at Raven and Octavia. "They don't count Looloo" She explains sadly stepping Closer towards you, you help to hold her steady still completely hating the nick name she has picked up for you after calling you Lexa loo one day._  
  
_"Yes Taxi's here!" Raven cheers as yellow cab slowly pulls up beside you._  
  
_"You will tell me your secrets really won't you?" Clarke questioned looking rather concerned as she ducks her head in the cab still eyes solemnly focused on you._  
  
_"Of course" you smile and suddenly you watch the spark return back in her light blue eyes before she rest her head on your shoulder tiredly._  
  
_\--_  
  
_"I've got the spare bed!" Raven shouts soon as she enters your apartment with her hand in the air already throwing her high heels across your floor._  
  
_"Couch" Octavia quickly adds before she runs out of time._  
  
_"Couch!" Clarke says lazily and you have struggled to remove her head from your shoulder since the taxi journey._  
  
_"I've got the couch" Octavia quickly defends her post. "You. Floor." she points all smug._  
  
_"Bed!" she tried again lazily flicking of her heels as she parts from you and you can't help but smile as you watch._  
  
_"You're clearly not understanding the rules of this game" Raven shakes her head. "Who let her drink? She goes all blonde on us"_  
  
_"Hey!"  Clarke pouts and all you do is lean on the kitchen counter watching the three best friends bicker about where they are sleeping. Maybe you should get a pull out bed or something as you only have coverage for two other than yourself. Maybe offering them to all stay around yours wasn't the best idea you have had, but you thought it would be fun as Bellamy and Lincoln are away and Clarke was absolutely reluctant not to be alone. You had realised you struggled saying no to Clarke a few weeks ago, and you she takes full advantage._  
  
_"You can have my bed" You interfere while turning around and grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge._  
  
_"See there you go!" Raven says quickly running of to the spare room before someone could steal it._  
  
_"Night" Octavia quickly shouts out before burying her head under the blanket on the couch like all the power had just cut out and no one was left in the room. You rolled your eyes shaking your head never meeting a bunch of friends that were so weird but amusing at the same time._  
  
_"You know we're still in the room right?" Clarke questions looking down at Octavia, but the brunette ignores and Claims her spot for the night with silence. Well played you admit to yourself shaking your head._  
  
_"Come on" You tell Clarke holding at her wrist to drag her down to your bedroom._  
  
_"There are some comfy Clothes in this draw and more blankets up here" You explain to her as you move around the room she watched you in silence with a furrow to her brows as you grab a blanket._  
  
_"Where are you going?" she questions stopping you from exiting the room._  
  
_"Going to sleep on the floor" You explain shrugging your shoulders. You're sober and don't need the rest as much as the three girls that are drunk._  
  
_"Looloo get in the bed" she demands pulling the straps to her dress down. Your eyes widen and you turn around quickly to give her her privacy._  
  
_"It's ok Clarke" You shift uncomfortably "the floors fine" you explain but before you can say anything else her hand slips in yours and turns you around._  
  
_"You have a king size bed" she says amused. "Plenty of room, now get in the bed you idiot before I sleep on the floor" she says pulling your arm to climb in but you notice she is only in her underwear. "don't act like you have never seen a girl in underwear" she says shaking her head full of amusement. "You're a lesbian!" She says proudly._  
  
_"Maybe you should put something on" You offer with your eyes struggling to stay of her milky skin and matching red underwear._  
  
_"I hate clothes" she cringes. "Get in Lexa!" she orders as she slums against the pillows herself._  
  
_You know you hesitate a moment to long, but you have never laid in bed with a woman before half naked and done nothing, never mind your best friends girlfriend. Eventually you turn the light of and climb in the bed calming your racing mind down, you couldn't deny her body was stunning with beautiful curves._  
  
_"Snuggles" Clarke hummed pushing her body in to you and you freeze for a moment. "I'm cold" she whines._  
  
_You know you shouldn't, you know you should keep your arm exactly how it is, not move a muscle. Infact don't even breathe because you know it will be shaky. You're body fails you, you tell yourself as you are unable to say no and you wrap your arm around her feeling her cold pale skin against your finger tips. Clarke's a touchy feely person, you already learnt this, she would hold your hand and jump on you on the couch without thinking twice, and you have never had a friendship quite like it before. It's new and refreshing and in a strange way addicting._  
  
_"Lexy loo" Clarke hummed pushing her butt further in to you to snuggle closer. "I got you a present" she hums in the dark room._  
  
_"You do?" You question while telling yourself to move away._  
  
_"Yeah. I made it for you, it makes me think of you" she admitted placing her hand on yours that's wrapped around her and tightening your hold. "Night" She whispers far to tired to continue while your freaking the fuck out as you realise you're enjoying this more than you should and you know its not the first time you started lying to yourself._

_\---_

You slam your briefcase down on your kitchen counter with a huff of annoyance before kicking your heels of. Your phone hasn't stopped vibrating, your boss is not impressed with the efforts you have been putting in to your work and has told you to step your game up while declaring he does not care about any personal issues. All while you have been debating texting Clarke back, but no matter how many times you write the message out, you end up deleting it before you can send it. When did life decide to start fucking you over you think feeling sorry for yourself. As you head to your bathroom to run a hot very much needed bath a knock on your door irritates you so without thinking you pull your door open with force ready to tell any idiot to leave.  
  
"Wh-" You cut yourself of as wet blonde hair and sad blue eyes stand infront of you.  
  
"Can we talk" Clarke says softly and you still think she sounds different. You swallow not once but twice before you find your voice and again you curse yourself for being so useless that you can't say no. You open the door a little wider for her to step in, and when she does you smell the rain mixed with vanilla. "You're avoiding me" she says when th door closes.  
  
"You avoided me" you defend and you already know your being childish but you cross your arms defensively anyway.  
  
"That's not fair. You kissed me Lexa."  
  
"It was a mistake" You say almost instantly but your eyes drop from her because you can't look her in the eyes and lie. In some ways it was a mistake, but kissing Clarke wasn't, but rather kissing Bellamy girlfriend was, you tell yourself its not the same because it makes you feel better, but you know you're a lousy friend.  
  
"So you have said" she says crossing her arms two as she stands with distance between you. "If it were then why are you staying away from me?" She questions furrowing her brows and you have no choice but to look at her. Turns out you don't need it to be a love story to bump in to one another, because Clarke is very persistant and doesn't take no for a answer, you suppose it makes sense you can never say it to her.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love to hear what you want to happen?  
> Like I've said this is on a whim literally write it as the days go and no plan. :D 
> 
> Hello to all the new faces, lovely hearing from some of you and thank you for the supportive comments so far!
> 
> Shorter chapters I know, but more regular updates!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Italic is a memory.

** I can't do this! **

 

"So you've said" she says crossing her arms to as she stands with distance between you. "If it were then why are you staying away from me?" She questions furrowing her brows and you have no choice but to look at her. Turns out you don't need it to be a love story to bump in to one another, because Clarke is very persistent and doesn't take no for a answer, you suppose it makes sense you can never say it to her.  
  
"What do you want me to say Clarke?" You sigh defeated dropping your arms from across your chest as you lean against the wall.  
  
"The truth" she asks softly her own arms dropping too and you notice how small and run down she really looks and you wonder if you're the one who did that to her. The usual shiny blonde hair and clear blue eyes that bounced with a excitement you had never seen before seemed like it was all a illusion compared to the girl that stood infront of you now.  
  
"I didn't plan to kiss you" you say and its not completely a lie. "and it was a mistake" You say dropping your gaze because deep down, despite its being one, it didn't feel it.  
  
"Then why did you?"  
  
"I just" you mutter pausing as you close your eyes. "I was angry, and having a bad day, and I don't know, you were there and it just kind of happened."  
  
Lie. Lie. Lie.  
  
"I'm with Bellamy" she says firmly yet with hesitation. Your eyes snap up to hers as you see her brows furrow and you can't help but frown.  
  
"I know that" you snap. "I feel guilty enough" you say pushing yourself of the wall and pacing to the kitchen to open the fridge.  
  
"Why did you avoid me before?" she questions her brow still furrowed as she stares at the ground trying to make sense of it all, and you hope she's doing a better job than you are because god, you're not sure you can explain any of this without telling her the truth. "You went to new York" she says slowly stepping further in to the kitchen with you like she is trying to piece it altogether "you never said a word to me, not even that you were going"  
  
"I didn't realise I had to check in with you when I do things" You say defensive but you watch the words slice through her like you had just threw a stone at her face. You want to take it back, tell her the truth and give her one of her cuddles she likes to call 'bear hugs' You want to sooth the frown from her face that seems to have took up residents on her beautiful features every time you are around but you don't. You only stop yourself by dropping your gaze to the ground and looking at your feet.  
  
"I won't tell Bellamy" Clarke says after a few beats of silence and you know she's looking at you, but you can't help but wonder why she is still being so soft with her words after all you have done is snap and hurt her. "Can we just go back to normal?" she questions sagging against your kitchen chair. "I miss you" she admits and you look up instantly connecting with blue eyes that seem hopeful but she still looks different. You miss her to, god if she only knew how much.  
  
"Normal" you say aloud never taking your eyes away from hers as you nod letting the words sink in. Normal, you swallow before you respond uncertain of what's to come. "of course" you say and you push a smile to your lips wishing you could just kiss her all over again especially when her lips turn in to a hesitant smile and her eyes still remain on you.  
  
Normal. You keep telling yourself. You can do that.  
  
"Good" she grins breathing a sigh of relieve as her eyes trail your body before meeting your eyes. "I should" she says pointing behind her with her thumb gesturing to the door. "Bellamys waiting for me" she says and you nod quickly swallowing down the lump that's already formed. "  
  
"Go" you smile repeating Normal in your head as your heart pounds against your ribs like a ache.  
  
"Catch you Wednesday?" She questions already backing her way to the front door as you follow.  
  
"Wednesday" you agree pulling the door open ready for her to leave. "Bye Clarke" You say and there is nothing normal about this, northing normal about the conversation you just had and nothing normal about planning to next speak and see each other Wednesday and you can't stop yourself from swallowing harshly because you know nothing will ever be normal with her again.  
  
"Bye" she says her hesitant eyes watching you carefully, hesitantly for a few seconds longer than usual, then she's gone.  
  
When the door closes you drop your head against it with your eyes closed while gripping your jaw. You know your friendship that you shared with the blonde is ruined and things would never be normal again. How you thought once she could possibly feel the same before you convinced yourself she didn't was now the biggest mystery of all, because it had never been more clear than right now that Clarke Griffin wasn't even gay, never mind having a chance with her if she were.  
  
  
***  
  
_"This party is freaking awesome! Why has no one done this before?" Bellamy beamed excited as you approached him._  
  
"Can always count on Octavia" you laugh pulling at your red leather jacket smoothly. "I Love MJ" you declare and you know Bellamys heard it more than once. Your surprised and disappointed that you had never been the one to throw a Michael Jackson theme birthday party, but quickly made up for it as you took the dressing up very seriously, going for his typical Thriller look with the red leather jacket, red pants you even placed a wig on your head which had small curls but just for extra measure you wore his famous trade mark. The glove and you wore it like you were the king of pop yourself. "Where's Clarke?" You question smiling and bobbing your head to the ultimate best music of all time in your opinion.  
  
"Not a clue" he says scanning his eyes over the crowed Michaels already dancing "Somewhere in here. She gone for the younger version shes wearing a afro wig" he shouts so you can hear him over the music. "What do you say we pull out the big guns and show this amatuers how to do it" Bellamy say smugly drinking his cheap beer.  
  
"Maybe later" You laugh shaking your head at the memories of your college days where you and Bellamy were slightly Michael Jackson nerds.  
  
"Let down" he says moon walking in to crowd with a howl and you cant help but laugh as you roll your eyes.  
  
"LooLoo!" Clarke beams finding you like she always does and you turn immediately to see her dressed as a young Michael Jackson. Before you can greet her back her arms are wrapped tightly around you with a smile that lights your heart. "Wow. Lex you look amazing" she admires eyeing you up and down knowing you had every last detail down to the socks. "You look hot" she confesses through a smile.  
  
"Careful" You tease "Bellamy might think he has competition" You joke through your own growing smile.  
  
"He just might" she says seriously with her eyes still eyeing you carefully and suddenly it doesn't feel like light banter anymore. "That jacket suits you" she confesses pulling at the end like she was straightening it out but when her hands remain at the end you know that's not it.  
  
"Thanks" you swallow and your not blind. She looks absolutely beautiful and underneath it all you can see its still Clarke, you always can by her eyes even her smile, your sure you have never seen someone smile quite like she does, its captivating and beautiful and even if you didn't want to smile, your sure hers would make you anyway.  
  
"No plus one tonight?" she questions diverting her gaze as she clears her throat looking behind you.  
  
"No" you laugh taking a sip of your wine. "Who needs a date when you're the king of Pop" You say smugly trying to bring abit of lightness back to the conversation. "I can have any girl in here" you say cheekily pulling on your jacket like your some rock star trying to look cool but Clarke can all but roll her eyes at you through a giggle turning to face you confidently once more.  
  
"Shame there all Michaels in here then" she says smugly  
  
"Shame" you pout ready to boo but Bellamy quickly interrupts the both of you throwing his arms around your shoulders.  
  
"Clarke tell Lexa here to get her MJ Moves on, she's making me do it alone" he whines placing a kiss on her lips while you look away.  
  
"You can dance?" she questions looking around Bellamy to you.  
  
"No"  
  
"Yes" Bellamy interrupts. "When we were in college we learnt his entire Thriller routine"  
  
"No we didn't" you say embarrassed shaking your head like its all lies.  
  
"We did." he says proudly "We're good at it aswel"  
  
"He's lying" you act stupid eyes widening in confusion like he had just broken out from a mental hospital. "Actually who even are you?" you question pushing him away.  
  
"O knows it two" Bellamy adds.  
  
"I have to see it" Clarke says suddenly the most excited you have seen her and you bow your head in embarrasement shaking your head aggressively.  
  
"I don't remember it" you try but she shakes her head not taking any of it per usual.  
  
"You owe me!" she declares.  
  
"For what!?" you frown as she begins pulling your hand to the dance floor and you act like you're not letting her but you know you are. She shrugs unable to think of anything instead just grins at you. "Just do it" she orders.  
  
"O! Put Thriller on!" Bellamy shouts over making Octavia grin and nod quickly.  
  
"No. No. No" you say quickly widen your eyes. "I can't. I'm not."

  
  
**' It's close to midnight and somethings Evils lurching in the dark!'**

 **"** I'm not doing it" you cross your arms stubbornly through a wide smile looking at the two Blake's back away from you slightly ready to pull the dance out the bag.  
  
"She won't be able to resist" Octavia declares as Clarke stands pouting at you.  


_'Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart, You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it_  
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,  
You're paralyzed'

 _"You guys suck!" you declare stepping on to the dance floor rolling your eyes as Clarke begins to cheer, but finding it utterly impossible to not dance to this beat. You're still silently glad you learnt the dance, but they don't need to know that._  
  
"Told ya!" Octavia cheers as you hear the chorus drum out the speakers and suddenly your lost to the greatest music of all time, well that and the blonde that seems to watching every move you make through a proud smile. You wonder why she never pays any attention to her boyfriend dancing beside her but you stay quiet and smile back.  
  
Later when the party comes to a end Clarke climbs over you and tells you how amazing it was and you blush like you never had before while she holds your hand while your her boyfriend is passed out on the arm of the chair.

 _***_  
  
"It's a girl isn't it!" Anya says through chunks of food.  
  
"I feel like I'm losing my mind" you declare running your fingers through your hair and gripping it slightly as you pace infront of your window. "I Don't know what to do. She wants to go back to normal" you say confused and frowning. "I'm not sure I can, what if I can't?"  
  
"Wait. wait. wait. who the hell are we talking about" Anya says before shoving chicken in her mouth the gravy slapping around her chops.  
  
"Clarke!" you snap like she should know already.  
  
"Clarke!" She spits out her food standing up immediately. "Clarke Griffin?. Bellamy girlfriend? Blondie? Big titties?"  
  
"Yes" you say standing still for a moment to take in what she just confessed. "Why are you looking at her boobs?"  
  
"Urh hold on. You kissed Bellamys girlfriend?" she questions again dropping her folk to her plate.  
  
"I know. " you say sighing loudly as you drop in the seat Anya just was. "I've heard it, trust me I feel so bad but" You say cutting yourself of. "What do I do?" Lexa questions.  
  
"Do you love her?"  
  
"What! No" you say instantly, you couldn't possibly you tell yourself shaking your head but find yourself losing yourself at never thinking about that possibility before.  
  
"Then you need to drop it now." Anya says seriously. "He's your best friend. You're playing with fire, and honestly a girls not worth that" she says sitting back down. "Go out. Get laid. Find a fuck buddy or something, if its just a crush it will just go" she says like she has experience. "Besides she's not even gay" she shrugs. "and yes her titties are huge" she confesses with wide eyes and a devilish grin you cant stop yourself from hitting her.  
  
"Yeah" you find yourself saying while staring in to nothing. "Maybe you're right"


	5. Chapter 5

** I can't do this!  
**

  
You like this place better than others because its clean and fresh and it doesn't make you want to avoid the corner of the room where the toilets are which usually smell of urine and god knows what else. You know there are closer bars to your apartment, bars that you can walk home from instead of catching a cab but this one always feels like your go to place, where it smells of leather and expensive beverages. Its a bar where the upper class go and pay ridiculous prices for the same drink disguises by its posh glasses while served on top of a napkin with Classical music playing quietly in the background. This whole thing isn't you, but still you find yourself coming here each week for a martini because you fit in so easily with the men and women dressed perfectly in suits.  
  
"I've never seen three men look at someone's behind quite like yours. 2 o clock, 5 o clock and 9" She warns you through a smile as she wipes down the sides infront of her. You stare at her confused for a moment before you realise what she said but even when you do you don't bother looking in any position she just told you instead you eye her carefully in her white shirt and waist coat. Her uniform tells you she works here but there's something about her that's out of place.  
  
"Sorry I was somewhere else" you say shaking your head as you play with the glass infront of you.  
  
"I see that" she says and her confidence shows immediately. "So what's a girl like you sitting alone for, if you don't mind me asking?" she questions as you look at her once more. She looks wild and free trapped in a uniform. A uniform that clings tightly to her but yet doesn't suit her with her nose ring and wild blondie brown locks. You instantly think back to what Anya had told you to do, to forget about your ridiculous crush by finding another instead of staying locked away in your office with nothing but that stupid painting. You had thought about it more than once, having some fun and letting your hair down but so far hadn't found the time or any one pleasing to the eye but as the girl infront of you stands infront of you out of place yet confident around such arrogant people you find yourself wondering that maybe it couldn't do any harm. You have told yourself many things like maybe you fell for Clarke because she was the only girl surrounding you out of work, she was a constant from the moment you met her and she could always cheer you up when you were down. Stupidly you tried hammering this in your head as your reasons and excuses for why but it seems even your brain couldn't allow such a thing.  
  
"What's a girl like you working in a place like this?" you find yourself questioning in a different tone as you stir your drink with the small straw. It's been a while since you have hit on anyone and you're sure you succeeded with casually flirting until she raises her brow even higher as her lips pull up.  
  
"That was bad" She say resting her arms against the bar looking ready to laugh but sticking with a teasing smile. "Now I know why you didn't notice any of the men"  
  
"Sorry" you say embarrassed shaking your head. "I'm a idiot" you admit feeling your cheeks redden with embarrassment. Your game is long gone and Anya's advise officially sucks and you really try to avoid her smile but it seems infectious as you find your smile growing anyway as you slouch in your chair feeling strangely relaxed. "I am avoiding" you say stirring your straw.  
  
"A girl?" she questions.  
  
"Life altogether to be honest" you laugh bringing the glass to your lips. "long story short. Fell for a girl. Girl didn't fall back" you explain using your hands for effect as you take a mouthful of drink not willing to admit that even saying the words makes your stomach drop.  
  
"So you're looking for fun?" she questions with a raised brow and you know its not judgemental.  
  
"I'm not sure I'm really looking for anything" you admit truthfully. You just like this place plus you know you won't bump in to any of your friends here, ever.  
  
"To bad" she smirks. "I'm sure those guys would have been up for a four sum if you would have offered" she laughs. You resist the urge not to gag at the though of ever being with a man again, once was enough and you knew then you would never again but still you find yourself looking at the o clocks she told you only a few moments ago, to the bartenders credit the men were keeping an eye on you like she had said. "There like really old" you say aloud cringing as you even think about a four sum.   
  
"Yeah" she laughs "I'm sure as they get older they turn in to perverts" she says grabbing a clean glass and wiping it clean of any smears.  
  
"How do you work here?" you question through a smile wondering how a girl with wild hair, a nose piercing and a mouth that some people would think needed rinsed out worked in a posh place like this with the snobs of snobs.  
  
"Pays the bills" she shrugs like its the reason for everything and you find yourself nodding in understanding.  
  
"Do you love her?" she questions.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The girl"  
  
"No" you laugh quietly like its the running joke but still you find yourself starring in to space and you know Clarke could make that possible. "You're very nosey" you say light heartedly but its so nice to be able to speak like this, especially as she has no idea who you are talking about.  
  
"You get no where knowing nothing" she says cockily. "Besides, if you were in love with the girl there is no way I would give you my number" she says through a smirk as she reached over to the napkin under your drink and writes down her digits. "I'm always up for some fun" she winks. "Call me if you dare" she says before walking of to serve another with confidence and you find yourself ready to laugh but stick to a smile before taking the napkin from the bar.  
  
\---  
  
You realise you don't know her name as you sit watching the screen infront of you. You never asked and she never said and stupidly you never looked at the name tag you knew she would have wore. You feel stupid and so far haven't been able to bring yourself to call or even text in three days. You're sure she would have forgot about you by now so you think about scrunching up the paper you have stuck to your fridge at home and putting it in the bin.  
  
"Move out the way!!" Bellamy shouts at the TV screen as he rapidly whacks the buttons on his controller.  
  
"You move out the way!" Murphy snaps back sitting forwards on the edge of the chair as they race to the finish line. You roll your eyes at the typical competition that had been going on since you arrived.  
  
"What's up with you tight arse" Raven says nudging your side as she sits beside you. "You look torn" she says taking a not so lady  like mouthful of drink.  
  
"I'm fine" you shrug your eyes wondering around the room until they settle on the blonde in the kitchen. It's strange how when your eyes land on her you feel strangely at ease, and when she laughs it makes you feel a certain lightness you knew needed to vanish immediately.  
  
"You look like you need to get laid" Raven smirks waggling her eyes brows. "You look all tense and stressed an orgasm will wind you right down" she explains and you know its her solution to everything she is completely sex mad and you're not sure you know anyone else like her.  
  
"You offering?" you question through a raised brow.  
  
"With you? fuck yes" she challenges and you laugh and roll your eyes. You hate that she calls your bluff every time and shuts you up.  
  
"Seriously" she says. "I could find you someone" she says pulling out her phone.  
  
"I can find someone myself thank you"  
  
"Yeah right" she laughs loudly and your eyes quickly scan around the room not finding it funny but catching everyone's attention. "Lexa here thinks she can find a girl on her own" Raven explains to all the questioning eyes making everyone else laugh, accept Clarke.  
  
"I can" you defend dropping your gaze and feeling slightly offended. "Maybe I already have" you say nervously as Raven continues to laugh. You whack her to shut her up and simply because she knows you have no game what so ever way before you do.  
  
"Yeah right" she says.  
  
"I do" you say before you can think about it and instantaneously your eyes look over to Clarke who has a furrow to her brow. You both wanted things to go back to normal and this was the first Wednesday you had seen each other since. Like you had predicted nothing was normal, she greeted you again with a 'Hi lex' instead of one of her warm hugs. She hasn't rang or text every day like she use to either which is why you have been thinking about ringing the bartender even more. However with eyes on you, you curse your blabber mouth.  
  
"Who?" she questions teasing still thinking your lying.  
  
"I met her the other night" you explain pulling your phone out to show the number you had entered on your phone as you had gone to call it more than once.  
  
"When?"  
  
You look up because its not Raven's voice anymore its Clarke's, and her voice seems smaller but more determined with a furrow to her brow.  
  
"Sunday" you say softly catching her gaze and you try not to read in to anything but her eyes are soft and you find yourself watching her anyway.  
  
"Whats her name?" Raven questions in challenge breaking you from your trance.  
  
"I don't know" you explain sounding ridiculous. "She never told me it, we didn't get round to that"  
  
"Ohh. Straight to the point was it?" Raven questions with a waggle of her brows. "You dirty girl" she smirks nudging you.   
  
"You went out Sunday?" Clarke questions her tone still soft as she steps back in the same room before resting against the doorframe separating the kitchen.   
  
"Yeah" you say looking at her quickly before diverting your attention back to the boys playing a game.   
  
"So let me get this straight. You went out Sunday, met a girl, you don't know her name but she gave you her number?"   
  
"Pretty much" you say wanting to change the topic now. "Who's winning?" you question the boys.  
  
"Me. Obviously" Bellamy smirks.   
  
"Uh don't think so. Not getting out of it that easy" Raven says firmly moving in your line of sight to have your full attention. "Have you called her?"   
  
"Not yet" You explain.   
  
"why?"   
  
"I just.. haven't" you say lamely.   
  
"Give me your phone" Raven demands.   
  
"What? why. No." you say seriously  
  
"Give me your phone" She orders once more with a dramatic huff.  
  
"No" Before you can even move she's pounced on you pulling your phone from your hand and jumping back of.   
  
"Raven" you snap standing up with her to take it back.  
  
"Raven just leave it" Clarke says.   
  
"It's ringing" Raven says. "Shh" she mutters while putting it on speaker and reaching her arm far out so you can't snatch it back.  
  
"Raven!" You snap about to say more only stopping when the familiar phone echo's with a familiar husky voice and you hear the whole room fall silent with widened eyes.  
  
"Speak" Raven whispers nudging you as the girl says hello once more.   
  
"Hi" you say stupidly. Your cheeks are red and your brain feels like its searching for the English language you're sure you know.  
  
"Hello?" she says for the third time. "who's this?" she questions.   
  
You look at each of your friends one after the other who stare encouragingly at you to speak and breath, before your eyes land on the blonde who looks at you with something else before swallowing and dropping her gaze. You swallow yourself pulling yourself together an tell yourself its to late now anyway.   
  
"You gave me your number at the bar Sunday" you explain softly hoping and praying she don't embarrass you and struggle to remember you already.   
  
"Ah" she hums down the phone and you know she's smiling. "you mean the woman who had quite abit of attention on her arse" she explains and you can't help but blush as Raven's eyes widen at you playfully.   
  
"Yeah" You say that's me you laugh.   
  
"I was wondering when you would call" She says smoothly with the same confidence she had from the other night. "I knew it was only a matter of time"   
  
"Cocky" you smirk  
  
"Confident" She breathes "So next Wednesday? 8pm?" she questions and you want to laugh at how you rang her but she's setting the date. You high five yourself for knowing she was wild and different from the moment you met her.   
  
"Perfect" you say simply while watching Raven clap silently excitedly. "It's Lexa by the way" you add quickly.   
  
"Costia" she says and you smile proudly at now knowing her name with a smug grin to Raven. "I'll text you the place. It will be nice to watch you leave again" she adds smoothly and you blush red once again as she is talking about your arse.   
  
Seconds later the phone call comes to a end with a bleeping sound and Raven squeals instantly.   
  
"She sounds feisty" Raven admits wiggling her brows again. "Don't she sound feisty" she says to the rest of the group.   
  
"Yeah" Clarke says weakly as she grabs another drink, but you can't think about that you tell yourself.   
  
"I like her already" Raven admits. "Maybe you should bring her here"   
  
"I am not brining her here" You say firmly immediately. "Now give me my phone!" you snap taking it back and shoving it in your back pocket.   
  
"Is she hot?" Raven questions as you sit back in your chair as Clarke and Raven do the same. You eye Raven hesitantly before brining your gaze to Clarke who seems uncomfortable fiddling with the bottom of her beer bottle and you feel sad she isn't smiling with encouragement like she always has for you. You feel sad because your friendship is lost but you already knew that would happen.   
  
"She is" you admit taking abit of your wine.   
  
\---  
  
You were bombarded with question after question from Raven so much that when you leave it feels like a relief washes over you. You don't know why it felt weird to talk about it while Clarke was infront of you but it did and you're not sure how you hope she would react. You know Clarke and you're not sure if you're glad you do because when she smiled at you it wasn't the smile you give when you're happy for someone, it was fake and painted on and she barely asked you any questions at all. That in itself is not Clarke.   
As you slouch on your own couch you think about missing next Wednesday with the gang in exchange for a date with Costia, and tell yourself its for the best to get your head space away from the blonde who could no longer hug or barely smile at you.   
  
As you lay in bed ready to be rid of the day your phone lights up from your cabinet and Clarke's names is lighting up your room.   
  
**Clarke :** I thought you were to busy to be dating ;) x  
  
You reread the message unsure of what to write back. She hadn't so much as smiled earlier on in the night and now she was sending winking faces. You remember telling her in your office when Clarke was teasing you while spinning in your fancy office chair, That you didn't have time and you were to busy, she just laughed and rolled her eyes, but that was months ago way before the kiss but not before you knew you were beginning to fall for the blonde who came to your office when ever she pleased to take ownership of your chair.   
  
**Lexa :** I've changed my mind x  
  
You write out the simple text not sure what else to write, in actual fact you haven't changed your mind at all. You don't want to date but Costia had made you laugh and you feel like you need a distraction from the never ending inappropriate thoughts you had about Clarke. You wait for a response for a moment but when one never comes you place your phone back on the cabinet with it faced down huffing out a breath as you turn around to snuggle your pillow.   
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love the difference of ways people want it to go, lmao with some saying get some Lexa!  
> To noo!!!! Lmao
> 
> Lets see what happens shall we?

** I Can't do this! **

 

A first date usually constricts of a meal or a movie and sometimes a romantic stroll through the park if you are being completely cheesy. Yet you find yourself in none of those places with your gloves, coat and scarf still firmly clinging to your body as you laugh at the ridiculous yet brilliant idea Costia has thought of.  
  
"You're crazy" You laugh shaking your head refusing to step any closer to the edge as you watch the city slowly begin to light up and come to life.  
  
"You're missing all the fun over there cutie" she teases with a wink before turning back to face the beautiful city you both live in. You have discovered many things already about Costia and although she is very different to you, you find yourself nodding and respecting her more for them. She isn't a routine kind of girl and certainly hates being predictable, she prefers to live in the moment instead of living in plans while the clock is slowly ticking and strangely you admire her for it. She doesn't have the best job nor income but she is happy with her life and lifestyle and wouldn't have it any other way. However you wished she would have preferred to take the lift instead of the twenty flights of stairs you just climbed to get to the top, yet still she laughed and asked you where is the fun in that? as she continued to smirk while pulling you with her.  
  
"What If you fall?" you question taking a steady step forward still not willing to sit how she is with her legs dangerously hanging down the side of the building. As you look down you quickly take a step back you don't care if there is a wall you would need to jump and roll over before you could possibly come as close to death as Costia, its just not happening. You hear her laugh at you as she stands up on the slightly higher wall than where you're standing and your eyes widen in worry.  
  
"i'll die smiling"  
  
"and far to young" you explain holding out your hand in hope she would take it to jump back down to your level. She stares at it for a moment with a smile on her lips and a raised brow before slipping her hand in yours and jumping down.  
  
"Are you scared of heights Lexa woods?" she questions moving closer towards you. You laugh and roll your eyes at how flirty she actually is, no matter what she says its always in a seductive kind of way and you would be lying if you said it didn't suit her carefree attitude.  
  
"Compared to you?" you question with a smirk. "I think everyone is" you admit as she laughs flashing you a wink while moving one of her hands to play with the ends of your long hair splayed out across your coat.  
  
"Well it has to be better than your usual Wednesday night right?" she questions. "I can imagen you infront of the tv drinking champagne and going through work folders" she locks in a posh playful tone and once again you find yourself laughing instead of offended "I bet you have a secretary don't you?" she questions through a smirk.  
  
"I do not drink champagne" you say pointedly while widening your eyes playfully. "I prefer wine. Also Every Wednesday night I meet up with friends and have a few drinks" you admit as your eyes trail to her fingers twirling your hair before catching her gaze once more. "and yes I have a secretary" you admit with a blush.  
  
"No way" she mocks playfully. "Do you order her around" she questions with a naughty glint in her eye while wiggling her brows  
  
"She's like 60" you cringe finding that explanation enough.  
  
"Granny flab not your thing then?" She questions holding back a laugh. "I Pictured you that type of girl"  
  
"Shut up" you laugh rolling your eyes as you bat her hand away from you.  
  
"So you cancelled a night with your friends for a night with me?" she questions moving closer to you again to place her hands exactly where they were. "Would they mind if we crashed?" she questions with a devilish grin.  
  
"What?" you frown  
  
"Well" She says through a smile "I've had you for hours and we have done everything I could think of" she shrugs "lets go stir things up and shock the nation" she says and you honestly have no idea what she is talking about as she tends to go on about these things, instead you laugh finding it funny.  
  
"Free booze?" you question.  
  
"Obviously" she smirks already pulling you to the dreaded staircase.  
  
"I think I prefer to stay up here" you plead looking at the stairs with sadness and you only make her laugh again.  
  
"I'll race you" she breathes "If I beat you, you have to do anything I say" She grins "If you beat me ill do anything you want" She says. "Go" she whispers and before you have time to disagree and reject the offer she is off bolting down the staircase with a giggle like a child but she is a little contagious and you find yourself acting with her following her footsteps before you lose before its even began.  
  
\---  
  
  
"Ding dong" Costia says as you both walk through the front door hand in hand in to Bellamys house where all your friends seem to be in their normal places.  
  
"Lexa" Bellamy says pausing his game as he turns to look at you and the new face you have brought with you. "I didn't think you were coming?" he furrows his brows but smiles anyway glad to see you as he stands and walks up to you. "You must be Costia" he greets holding his hand out.  
  
"That's me" she says confidently and you really do admire her for it as she gives you a cheeky side eye. "Talking about me already I see" she teases and you can do nothing but bite you lip.  
  
"I'm Bellamy" he grins. "That's murphy, Raven, Octavia" he says pointing to everyone sitting down as he goes "Oh and here's the lady of the house" he grins as Clarke steps down the stairs and in to the room for the first time. "That's Clarke" you hear him say but your eyes have already found hers as she looks at you confused for a moment before giving you a soft smile. You watch her gaze move over to Costia and eye her up and down as she steps closer but she doesn't look at you again so you quickly look else where too.  
  
"Nice to meet you all" Costia says with a simple wave squeezing your hand with the other.  
  
It takes only a few moments for your friends to sit back down and allow you both to breathe so you can remove the layers of clothing you both have on. You're about to poor her a glass of wine but you notice her face scrunch up in disgust but again you cant help but smile as you place the wine glass back on the kitchen side with a smirk of your own.  
  
"something wrong?" you question playfully.  
  
"Wine. Ergh" she cringes and you roll your eyes for the fiftieth time at the woman that's done nothing but surprise you all night and make you laugh.  
  
"would beer be better?" you question and she nods immediately. "Ergh" you mock handing her the horrible cheap beer you swore to never drink again.  
  
"So how did you meet?" Clarke questions sitting forward in her chair not waiting to fire one of the first questions at your date as you take your seat.  
  
"Oh ya know" Costia says playfully. "Stripper bar" She says eyeing you with a smirk "Lexa paid for me to dance for her and it went from there, ain't that right?" She questions waiting on your response and you laugh looking at Raven's face before shaking your head quickly.  
  
"Kidding" Costia says turning back to face Clarke. "She came to my bar and she was just sitting there alone" she explains.  
  
"Oh you run a bar?" Clarke questions.  
  
"Well work at a bar. Yes. It's not mine" Costia explains and Clarke nods her eyes narrowing on you before turning back to Costia with a frown.  
  
"So you're a bartender working on tips?" Clarke frowns with a smirk of her own before taking a sip of her drink. "Tough" she mocks and you frown at the blonde infront of you.  
  
"It's a upper class bar" You explain softly to Clarke. "Full of the rich" you say turning to Costia with a smile before turning back to Clarke. "I imagen tips are better than most"  
  
"Oh they are" Costia says through a smile "Especially if you're nice to them, however a lot of rich people are rich because they tend to keep hold of their money"  
  
"When you say nice, what do you mean? Flirt?" Clarke laughs. "That's a little degrading"  
  
"Clarke" you say frowning at her behaviour and lack of politeness she usually has.  
  
"What?" she questions. "I'm just asking" she explains.  
  
"It's ok Lex" Costia says placing her hand in yours and giving it a gentle squeeze, a move Clarke watches.  
  
"Yeah I guess you can say I flirt" she says shrugging "but it pays the bills and I love my job" she brushes off and you admire her once more. She's in a house full of strangers her confidence never waivers even when one of them is being rude for absolutely no reason. "Plus flirting with this one got me a date" she admits flirtatiously playing with the end of your locks once more. "She had three blokes staring at her arse that night, she didn't even notice"  
   
  
"Yeah she's a little slow this one" Raven mocks making Costia laugh while you whack her shoulder. "Where did you go for your date?"  
  
"for a workout" You smirk turning to Costia before turning back to the group your eyes landing on the blonde who you still haven't been able to get out your head. Her gaze was returned to the ground as she silently drank her drink. You stop hearing your friends talking and find yourself wondering what the blondes thinking about as her jaw flexes and loosens again before taking another harsh swig.  
  
You want to reach out take her hand like she has always taken yours and ask her if she's ok, tell her to stop stressing over anything that's bothering her and smile, but you don't you swallow harshly and turn back to Costia already looking at you with a soft smile and you smile back. She hums at you before leaning closer to whisper in your ear.  
  
"I want you to kiss me" Costia says and you furrow your brow in confusion. "I won, plus trust me" she whispers pulling away just slightly enough to know you heard before her eyes dart down to your lips. You think it over in your head quickly because your not a in the moment kind of girl, your a thinker, accept that one time you kissed Clarke but that doesn't count. Clarke. You think and suddenly you feel uncomfortable because you know she is sitting opposite you but Costia is already leaning in closer to kiss your lips.  
You don't move so when Costia's lips touch yours it shouldn't come as a surprise but it does because you don't know what you are trusting her with. Your eyes fall close and you give her a simple yet gentle lingering kiss before pulling away and opening your eyes again.  
  
"You taste like wine" she cringes playfully and she makes you forget your questions and your worries and instead you find yourself smiling and rolling your eyes. If this girl sticks around you much longer you're sure your going to lose your eyes altogether.  
  
"You taste like beer" you respond with your own cringe.  
  
"Anyone want another drink" Clarke says abruptly not waiting for any responses as she storms of in to the kitchen.  
  
Only then do you snap yourself back to reality and instantly want to follow her in to the kitchen. You want to ask her what's wrong? why she's being rude? and more important you want to tell her you miss her, but you know things won't be the same so you stay seated talking and laughing with the rest of your friends.  
  
\---  
  
"When did you fall for your best friends girlfriend?" Costia questions as soon as you're hand in hand walking her home.  
  
"What?" you frown turning to face her with confusion.  
  
"Please" she smiles. "You don't see it?" she questions you seriously squeezing your hand in reassurance.  
  
"See what?" you question.  
  
"The way you look at her, and the way she looks at you?"  
  
"She doesn't look at me like anything" You say shaking your head as she take slow steps down the street.  
  
"So I'm not wrong. Clarke's the girl you have fallen for?"  
  
You look at her for a moment before turning to face the darkness infront of you, she has already guessed so you're left with little option.  
  
"Yes" you admit bowing your head in shame "I know I'm a terrible frie-"  
  
"I'm not judging" Costia says softly. "You can't help who you fall for"  
  
"She's not even gay" You admit  
  
"No. She doesn't no what she is" Costia clarifies. "Tonight she was jealous" Costia explain "It's why she was digging me out, trying to make her feel better about herself and me silly"  
  
"What?" you question confused with a smile about to tell Costia she's losing the plot.  
  
"When I realised I was in to women it took me a little time to accept it and understand it, and I bet it did for you two. She probably has these feelings inside that she doesn't understand, and is growing confused by them while she's trying to understand them. I take it Clarke's never been with a woman before"  
  
"No. She hasn't" you say slowly.  
  
"See. If I had to go by tonight Lexa, she has feelings for you and strong ones if she was willing to embarrass you infront of me" she says.  
  
"Why did you ask me to kiss you?" you question frowning as you come to a stop.  
  
"It will give her a little nudge along the way. She will come calling trust me"  she explains pulling her keys from her pocket. "Besides Clarke may be blind at the moment, but I'm not" she admits with a wink. "I hope it works out for you two" She says hopefully "But if it doesn't, hit me up. Like I said Clarke may be blind but I'm not" She breathes leaning forward to place a kiss on your cheek and with that she walks away.  
  
All while your left standing there more confused than you ever have.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think?


	7. Chapter 7

**I can't do this!**

 

"I need you to call Mr Hustley and schedule a meeting for this afternoon" You tell your secretary as she jots down what you need done. "Also i need the smiths case files on my desk ASAP"  
  
"Of course Miss woods" she says following you quickly behind "Would that be all?" she questions as you come to a stop just before entering your office.  
  
"That will be all Gretchen" You say softly turning to face her "Thank you" you say sincerely and you mean it completely. She has been your secretary for three years and at first despite you being slightly hesitant to have her transferred over to you because you wanted to pick your own, now you're not sure how you would survive with out her. You smile at her one last time before you step in to your own office only to come to a stand still the moment the door closes.  
  
You haven't seen the sight in so long it surprises you but warms your heart immediately. Since you kissed her she stopped coming to your office and taking ownership of your expensive chair while she acts like your boss. She stopped a lot of things altogether and you don't realise how much you truly miss her until you see her doing exactly what you had grew use to.  
  
"Clarke" you say softly furrowing your brow at the expression on her face as she looks up. She looks small, sad and confused and she doesn't dominate the chair in the same way she usually does. "What's wrong?" you question before you have time to ask what she's doing here.  
  
"Hi" she says after a moment in the soft tone she always uses with you, but its still different. "Are you busy?" she questions ignoring your own question.  
  
"I have time" you say softly stepping closer to your desk and placing the files you were holding on it. "What are you doing here?" you finally question looking up in to blue eyes as her eyes never leave you.  
  
"I wanted to see you" she shrugs finally dropping her gaze and spinning on the chair slower than usual only stopping it when she can see the painting she gave you on the wall behind her. "So Costia, huh?" she says casually her eyes trained on the painting. "She seems.." she pauses and you wait for her to finish it. "Are you dating now?" she questions instead of complementing your date from last night.  
  
"I don't know" you say shrugging as you eye the back of the chair, remembering Costia's words as she left you last night. "You were rude" you say because you need to talk to her about that, you need her to know she can't do that again to anyone you choose to bring back.  
  
"I know" She says even quieter stunning you silent because you didn't expect her to admit it so easily.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know" she admits quieter and even more defeated. Her gaze dropped for a moment to her lap before she stands from the chair to stand infront of you. "I'm sorry" she says honestly. "I don't know. I mean I shouldn't have done that" Clarke admits. "I don't know why I did" she says like she was trying to understand it herself judging by the cute furrow in her brow as she stares aimlessly at you, you're sure she is lost in her own thoughts. "Are you seeing her again?" She questions after a beat of silent and you stare at her blue eyes intently trying to figure her out. For two weeks she has barely spoke to you, she hasn't been the same since you kissed her and know she is asking you questions like she needs to know everything and you wonder why, you wonder what's changes and you hate that you still want nothing more than to give her a hug and repeat your very first question because you hate it when she's sad.  
  
"Does it matter?" you question furrowing your brow as your eyes dart across her features studying her carefully. This is how you fell for her you tell yourself, this is how you convinced yourself that maybe it wasn't all one sided. The way she looks at you, the way her words are always soft and caring, the way everything you do matters to her. Only now she looks small and you can't help yourself but repeat Costia's words again from last night as she asks you all these questions, you can't help but question if Costia was right. You watch her swallow silently looking at you like she still wants you to answer her question but not daring to speak another word.  "Clarke, what's wrong?" you question not daring to remove your gaze for even a second, scared you will something important. You want to ask her if she's jealous, you want to ask her if Costia could be right but you don't because you already told her kissing her was a mistake and everything was still far from normal and god you miss her more than you can admit.   
  
The silence lingers and you think she's is done talking, that she is ready to take a step back and just leave or laugh and  say nothing but she doesn't. She lingers and hesitated as her lips remain tightly closed and just as you're are about to give up waiting she speaks up just as quietly as her first words and you know she's not sure if she should tell you.  
  
"me and Bellamy aren't getting on" She admits.  
  
Oh.  
  
You nod dropping your own gaze a smile coating your lips as your stomach drops. Of Course, Bellamy. You feel a idiot for thinking Costia could be right, for hoping that the girl you kissed two weeks ago was just jealous all along, you want to laugh and cry but you do neither.  
  
"Oh right" you say creating distance between the both of you as you turn unable to look at her incase she see's the pain she's unaware exist. "Talk to him" you find yourself saying as you clench your jaw. You hate she came all this way to tell you her relationship problems after hardly speaking and you hate even more that you clung on in hope Costia was right.  
  
"I can't" She says and she's still small while she steps closer to you searching you for something.  
  
"Why?" you frown eyes on your feet, painting and even the door, anywhere is better right now that looking at Clarke.  
  
"I-" She says pausing as she closes her eyes. "I'm not sure what's going on" she breathes and you see its a struggle only to frown further.  
  
"I'm not sure what to say" you breathe pulling yourself together as you know you are coming across impatient and in away you are, but you bite through it telling your self to do your bit as your friend is clearly worried and scared. "Bellamy is a good guy" you admit "Talk to him, you will be surprised" you explain giving her a soft smile as you meet her eyes for a brief moment before looking at your watch.  
  
"Lexa" Clarke says softly her soft fingers wrapping around your wrist to stop you from doing anything. "You don't understand" she stutters her eyes aimlessly moving across your features.  
  
"Then tell me" you ask finally trusting yourself to look at her properly.  
  
"You-I mean... me" She huffs in annoyance and you want to huff with her and tell her to spit it out because you are not a mind reader but her sad beautiful blue eyes stop you and instead you find yourself moving your wrist from her grip to enwind with hers. A brave move but something Clarke had done more often than not without a care in the world only now you half expect her to yank her hand away because you're gay and you kissed her. What you don't expect is her to squeeze your hand the moment you hold it before diverting her gaze down to the gesture while soothing her thumb over the back of your hand. You remain quiet as usual enjoying finally being close to the blonde again while you watch her stare at your hands.  
  
"Clarke" you say softly. It takes a moment but eventually she looks up and she looks even sadder, more conflicted if possible while her eyes search your face before landing on your lips and you freeze as she moves forward in a slow yet swift movement and captures your lips.  
  
You close your eyes as soon as you get past the shock, you think your imagining it, dreaming even and you're scared to move incase you are. It feels the same, but incredibly different as her lips move against yours instead of staying still, it feels better yet unexplainable as your belly drops in away it never has before and the only way you can explain it is its a needy feel, a feel you never want to be rid of again as she move that little bit closer to kiss her back like you could have only hoped. Her lips are soft and she smells of vanilla. Your senses are so overwhelmed you're not even sure you're kissing her right anymore but her lips are on your and they are so soft, so moist and you want a little more. Only she parts before you can do anything else and you're left stunned and breathless despite not deepening the kiss like you wanted too.  
As your eyes open she's already looking at you carefully and its your turn to wonder what the hell is going on.  
  
"Clarke" you breath pausing as you swallow searching her face for a give away, for a explanation as you are scared to ask the question.  
  
"Don't" she says softly as she already moves away from you, she's not running away more walking as she edges closer to your office door knowing exactly what she has done. You can't help yourself though you have to ask, you need to know.  
  
"What was that?" You question moving closer towards her as your eyes never want to look at anything ever again while they struggle to stop drifting down to her lips.  
  
"I don't know" she says honestly with a heavy breath before disappearing out your office.  
  
You can do nothing but think about her lips, as her vanilla scent takes over your mind and your belly drops in the same way it did when her lips collided with yours.  
  
\---  
  
You have thought about texting, even calling because she has took ownership of your thoughts for the last two days and the silence is causing you to lose your mind. Yet you have no idea what to say and judging by her face when she left you stunned she has no idea either so you think back to Costia's words for the millionth time in the last few days as she told you she needs time and has no idea what's going on, but you're struggling because she is so beautiful and so distracting you just want to speak to her now. So instead you call your date from Wednesday.  
  
"Sorry I'm late" she apologises as she tugs her coat of her shoulder along with her gloves before plonking down in the seat opposite you.  
  
"It's ok" you laugh at her dramatic widened eyes.  
  
"Couldn't find the place" she explains as her eyes change to excitement for the warm hot chocolate waiting patiently infront of her.  
  
"Yeah" you laugh "It's a hidden place. Best Coffee in town though" you admit remembering when Clarke dragged you in here more Dramatic than anyone you have ever met demanding you to have a coffee because it was the ultimate best thing to have in your mouth.  
  
"Why order me a hot chocolate then?" she questions though a laugh  
  
"Good point" you say stupidly. "You said something about not drinking caffeine so I didn't want to risk it" you admit.  
  
"So you were listening after all" she teases  
  
"I always listen"  
  
"I thought you were to busy worrying about not falling of the building" she mocks with raised brows.  
  
"I can do both" you say proudly while stirring your coffee.  
  
"So let me guess, you heard from Clarke" she says after another mouthful of hot chocolate.  
  
"How you know?" you frown and you really want to know how she does.  
  
"Please, you were ready to burst on the phone, and this didn't sound like a date" she point out looking around the run down café "If it is I get bonus points for my idea last time" she smirks.  
  
"It's not" you laugh. "I just- yeah I heard from Clarke" You explain. "i'm sorry I shouldn't have called" you blurt out shaking your head now feeling like a idiot.  
  
"Don't be stupid" she rolls her eyes. "Friends is the next best thing, besides I'm looking forward to see how your love story plays out. So tell me all" She grins excitedly.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovely reaction last time guys so thank you all so much! :D 
> 
> Hope I still get your approval!


	8. Chapter 8

**I can't do this!**

"So let me get this straight" costia smirks while holding down a laugh and you can do nothing but huff as she mocks your terrible abilities in life. "You told Clarke the kiss was a mistake although she confronted you and asked for the truth"

"Why did i tell you again?" You question regrettably as you hear her begin to laugh at you.

"Because someone has to tell you, you're a complete idiot. Who does that? Do you want the girl or are you trying to scare her away?"

"I freaked" you whine pushing your coffee mug away. "I know i should have been honest, i know" you breathe crossing your arms across your chest. "she told me she was straight and clearly not interested so why make it awkward?" You question like you had no other choice. "Not to mention she's my best friends girl. I can't want her." You say sadly as your eyes drift down before back up again.

"Yet you do" Costia says with sad eyes. "I understand what you're saying i do, but she came to your home asking you for the truth, she deserved that much and you lied anyway" costia explains softly. "I get there are obstacles, big ones that need acknowledged but you can't help who you fall for Lex"

"I don't see what you see" you breathe "all i see is her avoiding me, barely starts up a conversation with me anymore. She avoids me" you admit reaching for the neatly folded napkin.

"Do you start a conversation with her?" She questions raising her brows.

"No but she can't even look at me" you say defensively narrowing your eyes.

"Look, what i see is a girl confused she has never been with a girl before and then she has you kissing her. Which for starters she has a boyfriend, secondly she hasn't had a go at you once, so why would she suddenly not want to be near you if everything she says to you is still nice? that would make no sense." She explains until you're staring at nothing listening to everything she tell you. "Not to mention she kissed you just the other day" Costia says with told you so eyes. "She's just scared, confused even. All her clogs are changing in that brain of hers and she's just figuring them out. Time is key and realising you like a different sex can be scary"  
  
"So what do I do now?" you question defeated but  you honestly have no clue. Maybe you should hirer a life coach you think while folding the napkin innocently in your lap. You watch Costia slouch back lazily in the chair with a huff and wondering eyes before focusing on you and you know she has many options running through her thoughts. You're such a idiot you should really think about slapping yourself once in a while.  
  
"If I were you" she breathes twitching her lip to the side while leaning forward again. "I would let her no in anyway I can that, that kiss was far from a mistake" Costia admits looking at you seriously. "because her clogs are changing wheather you believe that or not, and you're the only cause to that, so telling her that kiss was a mistake will confuse her more. So do her a favour and yourself"  
  
"I can't just say it to her" you say already thinking up scenarios of how to push that across. The opportunity had risen and passed and you screwed it up like you do everything.  
  
"Yes you can" Costia admits reaching forward and squeezing your hand in reassurance. "you're just scared too" She says like she can read not only the future, Clarke and her clogs but your mind and the girl really does scare you in the most surprising way.  
  
"Thank you" You say softly looking up to her as your eyes wonder across her features aimlessly.  
  
"Don't thank me yet" she smirks "You have a tough ride ahead of you, best friend and all that" she cringes "Messy stuff" She teases.  
  
"I know" you huff. "I don't want to lose him either"  
  
"Well that's where you have to decide your own fate" She breathes "Do you want the girl more, or your friend?" She questions and all you can do is stare in to her hazel eyes. You feel silly for never thinking it would come down to a choice, that you some day would have to choose. In all honestly before Clarke kissed you back and this conversation you were certain you would never have to anyway by Clarke's choices but now you can't help but question everything you thought you knew. It's strange how you can look at something at the exact same time as someone else and see something completely different, yet when Costia explained her version it oddly made sence despite your mind telling you it still can't be right. You just know.  
  
"Hi" Comes a quiet voice knocking you from hazel eyes and your thought before being replaced with blue eyes and blonde locks.  
  
"Clarke" You squeak wondering what the hell she is doing here as you find it impossible to tear your eyes away. "What are you doing here?" you question stupidly wishing you could just slap yourself to shut up already. How you got through university is a mystery. You watch her gaze drop to Costia's hand still holding yours before she diverts it even quicker away with a swallow.  
  
"Coffee" She smiles shyly and the whole thing is fake as she shakes her take away mug in your line of sight "Is this a... Date?" she questions hesitantly and you watch her smile again while you pull your hand abruptly away from under Costia's.  
  
"No" Costia says softly stopping you from talking. "Just here for the same reasons as you" she smiles trying to ease the girl that kissed you just days ago. "Apparently best Coffee I'll ever find"  
  
"Yeah" Clarke smiles politely turning to Costia. "Mocha is incredible" she admits. "Well I should" she says pointing towards the door before she looks back at you one last time. You know you should say something, anything at al;, even by the glare Costia is giving you know you should just speak but your words fail you and your mind wasn't prepared for her to be here tonight.  
  
"Yeah" you say softly with a smile of your own.  
  
Not that, anything but that.  
  
You watch her leave and before you have time to scold yourself you feel a sharp pain on you leg  
  
"Ouch" you groan reaching down for your leg. "What was that!" you snap giving daggers to the girl who is all buy rolling her eyes at you.  
  
"What was that? What was that! Man get out there and go talk to her before I kick you again" she orders giving you the pointed finger. "She totally thinks this is a date not to mention she caught us holding hands. Now go" she explains like you're not all there.  
  
You have her shoving and pushing you out your chair before you can jump up on your own accord and chase the blonde outside, not that you're not grateful or anything its just your leg hurts and you're a baby. You look left to right clutching your coat across your chest as you try to keep any body heat firmly beneath your layers of warmth before forgetting everything you were originally doing as you spot the blonde not far infront of you down the street.   
  
"Clarke" You say taking quick steps in one direction "Clarke, wait!" You shout a little louder as you see warm air breath out your mouth in to the cold night.  
  
"LooLoo" she says furrowing her brows but all you can think is it ridiculous how much you miss her calling you Lexa loo.  
  
"It's not a date" You blurt while your cheeks blush instantly. "We're just friends" You add to try and calm your beating heart.  
  
"You don't have to explain anything to me" she says her gaze dropping to the floor nervously before looking at you once more. "She's a pretty girl" she admits and you watch it pain her to say it.  
  
"I want to" You swallow pausing as you think exactly what to say. God, how can you word it without sounding a idiot. You think of Costia and her glare, knowing if you walk back in there and tell her you couldn't she might actually hit you for real. You swallow again ignoring the silence you have made linger around you because never have you felt uncomfortable around Clarke when neither of you have wanted to talk so you refuse to accept it now in hope Costia is right. "It wasn't a mistake" You breathe with your eyes on the ground. Your scared to see what she will think of your confession so you keep your eyes down on the Stoney hard ground.  
  
"What wasn't?" she questions and you swallow again in fear you have to elaborate.  
  
"The kiss" You breath. "When I kissed you" you explain. "It was never a mistake" You confess and you Close your eyes at how good it feels to say it aloud. You're not sure what gives you the courage to look up but you are glad you do as you look in to blue eyes. "I Just needed you to know that" You say softly stepping a little closer to her and you're not sure if your doing it for your own comfort she always brings you or if its because blue eyes light up yet look confused all at once. "I shouldn't have done it. I know that, but" You pause your eyes wondering aimlessly across her face wondering if she is ready to hear it yet. "I think I would be even stupider to not want to" you admit and you think its the most honest thing you have said in your life, because she is Clarke Griffin. The girl you instantly connected with and who you haven't been able to rid her from your thoughts since.  
"You kissed me the other day" You say wanting to reach out for her as she just stands and listens to you. "I Don't know what that means, I'm not even sure you do either yet but I just really needed you to know that me kissing you...It was something I have tried so hard to avoid but couldn't" you confess.  
  
You huff out a breath not sure what else to say or where else to go from here and regrettably losing your confidence as she stands staring at you with no words to say. You smile at her softly wishing she knew every effect she had on you, how beautiful you think she looks and how everything about her you love, but you know she isn't ready for that yet so instead you reach forward and swipe your thumb slowly down her jaw line with sad hopeful eyes knowing this is where you say goodnight.  
  
"I won't push you for anything" you say quietly. "I just wanted you to know" you admit with one more soft smile. "Goodnight Clarke Griffin" you say before turning around and heading back towards the café, but not without turning back one last time to see the blonde watching you leave.  
  
"So?" Costia asked eagerly the second you stepped though the door.  
  
"I told her" you breathe and you only just realise how fast your heart is beating in your chest while your legs are shaking.  
  
"oh my god!" She grins excitedly. "Shits going down" she claps like its the best news she has heard all day.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if this is extra short but I needed it to end there. So yeah how was that?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the high praises in how I'm writing the story and how Costia came across, so glad you loved is so much!  
> Yet love the typical urgh!! when Costia's name was first mentioned lmao, look how I can change your view amazing right ;) 
> 
> Here's the next chapter for you!  
> Is Clarke slowly confessing?  
> Find out more... 
> 
>  
> 
> Like I said smaller chapters but more updates! :D Saves waiting weeks!

**I can't do this!**

 

It's almost midnight and you still can't sleep. Honestly you're not sure you have slept properly since you told Clarke the kiss was far from a mistake, you had thought it over again and again, replayed the conversation, her facial expressions, her silence, and how she didn't retract away from you when you touched her face. To make matters even worse you didn't go to Bellamys on Wednesday, you had told him a white lie to silence him and chose to give Clarke space away from you instead of being in her face every week without a choice, but god do you really just want to see her.  
You huff out in annoyance throwing your pillows to the floor as you toss to the opposite side once more, demanding, pleading for sleep to come.  
  
Yet it never does.  
  
You lay there thinking of blue eyes, blonde hair and pink cheeks. You wonder what's running through her head, what she's thinking, why she kissed you in your office, you even find yourself hoping that your lips didn't fail you on the two occasions your lips had met hers. You hadn't thought of that before and the thought scares you as you lick your lips, what if you were terrible? What If you were to sloppy and wet? What if she wanted to kiss you but after actually doing so you put her off from your sloppy or dry lips.  
  
This is what happens when you don't see or hear from Clarke at all. You're scared you know that, you have put yourself out there ready and waiting for anything Clarke is willing to give you, or take away completely and the later scares you more than you ever thought a single human being could. You think about texting her, asking her how she is. It's nothing to forward or to much you think and you generally really want to know. Yet every time you go to Costia and her burning eyes are watching you telling you not to even think about it so you don't because so far she is right and you're a mess as she puts it. You just really wish you could see her and its only been five days.  
  
A knock distracts you from your thoughts as you sit up confused wondering who that could be, its Saturday night and almost midnight. Yet you climb out of bed acting grouchy and annoyed despite being ready to rip the sheets from the mattress and burn them for all eternity because the darn thing won't let you sleep.  
  
"I'm coming!" you snap after hearing another loud continuous knock from the door letting you know they are growing impatient.  
  
When you pull the door open you stare out confused for a moment with a furrow to your brow. When you opened the door, honestly you're not sure who you were expecting, really you wasn't but a drunk Clarke, Raven and Octavia wasn't one of them. You stare out for a moment, forgetting to welcome them in and ask them what they are doing here as you realise they have been out without you. You didn't know it would hurt until it did.  
  
"Move out the way then" Raven snaps pushing you aside as they all stroll in while Clarke grips around Raven's neck for dear life.  
  
"What are you doing here?" You question closing the door before wrapping your arms around you. You ignore the pain in your chest as your eyes watch them kick their heels of, and already you know they have been clubbing.  
  
"We are drunk" Clarke blurts out with a funny laugh before putting her finger to her lips. "Shh. Don't tell Lexa" she whispers looking to all her best friends in silence, and you frown a little more as she says the last part. Drunk Clarke has no filter, you know this more than anyone as you hardly drink and look after all girl every time you go out.  
  
"That is lexa you idiot" Raven bites slapping the back of the blonde's hair.  
  
"Ouch!" She whines pushing the Latina away from her.  
  
"Why wouldn't you tell her?" Octavia frowns falling of the arm of the couch until she's laying down lazily. "You said she was working" She grins. "FYI!" She adds pointing her finger at you "You're boring. All work and no play. Boo."  
  
You feel like you have stepped in to black hole and came out somewhere unknown. One minute you were sleeping, now Octavia's calling you boring for not coming out, while Clarke's telling everyone not to tell you they are clearly drunk. You have no idea what to say, no idea what's happening so you settle for looking at them confused as they lay around your living room looking about ready to call it a night.  
  
"So what are you doing here again?" You question swallowing away the lump in your throat as your eyes land on the blonde slouching down looking more consumed with alcohol than you have ever seen her. When her eyes meet yours she gives you a clumsy dorky smile.  
  
"Clarke suggest we come here and crash" Raven says like its obvious and in away it is, every time you go out together you all end up coming back to your apartment but this time it seems you weren't invited and you know Clarke had made up a lie to shut everyone up.  
  
"Oh right" You say with a smile trying to act as normal as possible.  
  
"Bed!"    
  
"Couch!"  
  
"Couch!" Clarke adds proudly with her hand in the hair. You smile as Raven pushes her of the chair and on to the floor because Clarke is always the last one, yet never completely understands what they are actually doing, you teased her once for being so cute when drunk, and she had slapped you across the arm with a pout, even then you wanted to kiss it away.  
  
"Yeah. No" Raven says a little pissed Octavia shouted bed before her. "You can put the idiot to bed as we have done all the heavy lifting" Raven says cheekily pushing Octavia of the couch.  
  
\--  
  
It shouldn't feel awkward you tell yourself as you guide her to your room at the end of the hall. She's leaning lazily against you and you took it as a good thing she didn't object to sleeping in your bed or allowing you to be the one to take control of her instead of the other girls.  
  
"Sit here" you say softly sitting her at the end of the bed. You stare at her for a moment as she stares at you back, her eyes wondering lazily across your face and you would pay to know what she's thinking. Without thinking you guide your thumb down her jawline like the other day and you wonder why she has drank so much, why she didn't invite you nor want to tell you but she's drunk you reason holding of the questions for another day. "I'll get you some water" You croak before quickly clearing your throat. "Stay here" you say softly before turning around and heading back to the kitchen.  
  
You take your time trying to work out what's what because everything seems to have got even more confusing. You run the tap for a while longer than necessary before filling a glass.  
  
"Somethings off with her" You hear being said before the fridge opens behind you.  
  
"Who?" you question confused as you turn around to face Octavia.  
  
"Clarke" she says. "She's acting weird" She admits while helping herself to some cheese.   
  
"How do you mean?"  
  
"Tonight." she says closing the fridge before leaning back on the kitchen counter. "She was dancing with everyone"  
  
"so?" you question with a furrow to your brow obviously missing a point here. "She dances with us all the time"  
  
"Yeah. Exactly it wasn't us, it was other people. People she just met" Octavia says while looking down the hallway you had moments ago walked the blonde down. "She looked flirty" she admits. "She just seems, off. What do you think? Are her and Bellamy having problems?" she questions and you swallow hard the second it leaves her mouth. You're left speechless for not the first time that night, and honestly you're conflicted to what to say next. The first question that pops in your head is what does Octavia mean by flirting, however you can't ask that question and you know it. You duck your head looking at the cold water you hold in your hands before looking back up.  
  
"I haven't seen her much lately" you admit truthfully.  
  
"Yeah" Octavia says. "Figured as much" She rolls her eyes. "all Work no play" She teases and you breathe again as the lightness of the conversation returns. "Well good luck with her" she laughs "She drank more than her usual" She grins already walking of to her bed.  
  
\--  
  
"drink this" You say softly bending down on your knees to come to her level. She looks tired, like she's ready to drop any moment but her eyes open wider as she looks at you carefully trying to stay awake, you cant resist the smile that breaks out across your lips. You knew she was an adorable drunk many months ago, but still you can never stop watching her anyway.  
  
"Thank you" she says finally taking the glass from your hands before taking the smallest of swigs, you find yourself smiling again at how typical that is. "Lexi loo" she says softly but tiredly.  
  
"Yeah?" you question taking the glass from her hand and placing it on the side.  
  
"What have you done?" she questions sadly and you look at her confused for a moment as blue eyes scan yours.  
  
"What do you mean?" You question while resting more comfortably on your knees.  
  
"you" She says reaching out for your top to play with between her hands before looking you In the eye again. "You done something to me" she says with a furrow to her brow but her eyes aimlessly search your face but you now know what she's talking about. You feel guilty as her blue eyes look scan you for answers, for help anything really that would explain her confusion but unfortunately you have no answers. You look down to your lap closing your eyes as you go while taking a steady breathe.  
  
"I'm sorry" you confess before looking back up and leaning forward on your knees so you're closer to her. "I never meant for this" you whisper like its a confession directly from your heart. There is nothing else for you to say, she knows you kissed her, she knows you don't regret it, that you wanted to and you struggled to stop. She knows everything that can break you in seconds but still you look at her and all you see is a vulnerable, confused different girl from the Clarke you knew so well.  
  
You did that.   
  
She stares at you softly, her eyes drawn down and you know you don't deserve this level of calmness, this level of emotion because you're the one who put her in this horrible position where she questions everything. You almost jump out your skin as her hand reaches forward and soothes your cheek but you lean in to it non the less, your heart beating double what it was only seconds ago.  
  
"I keep thinking about kissing you" she whispers and you close your eyes so tightly as your stomach drops in the best of ways. It's exhilarating and you want to hear the quiet confession again to make sure you heard right, only when you open your eyes and her heavy eyes are still looking at you, you know you wasn't hearing things. You lean in to the palm of her hand even more, hoping she will understand that's all you can think about too, god you have had so many sleepless nights about it you have lost count. "I'm with Bellamy" she says with a frown of her own and you hate how confused blue eyes can quickly change.  
  
"Shh" you hum pulling your tight lips in to a understanding smile. You reach out soothing the frown from her face as you have wanted to for day. "I understand" you say softly not needing her to explain anymore, you don't want her hurt, stressed conflicted and if you could wish this all away for her, you would be damned with how you feel, you would do it for her. "You're drunk" you say with a amused smile but the whole things a façade to hide your fears, your disappointment and the horrible pain you feel against your ribs. "You should get some sleep" you say standing up and reaching for her hands. Thankfully she takes them and you guide her in bed like you do every other drunk night, she watched you sadly as you throw the quilt over her to keep her warm. "Your water is just here" you point out before turning around.  
  
"Where are you going?" she blurts out stopping you from moving anywhere.  
  
"To sleep" you lie because you know you aren't sleeping for the next year, possibly longer.  
  
"Lay with me" she says pulling at your hand despite your resistance.  
  
"I don't think that's a great idea"  
  
"Please" she pleads sitting up and looking at you with those blue eyes you can't say no to.   
  
You fight for what feels like forever to say no, to walk out the room and not look back but instead your body betrays you as you wordlessly climb in beside her. She doesn't turn around or strip like she normally does, instead she faces you with her heavy eyes looking softly at you as she edges closer and you hate yourself for stiffening up, but you have never been in this position before but you also don't want to hurt her.  
  
"I missed you Wednesday" she confesses in to the darkened room while reaching for your hand beneath the sheets. It's all innocent but you know in your heart its not at all.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me you were going out?" You question unable to not ask the question that hurt. She looks at you regrettably, but like you already know as she squeezes your hand begging you to understand, I suppose in away you know the answer but just incase your wrong you need her to say it.  
  
"because I'm trying to get away from you" she explains softly squeezing your hand once again. You nod not sure if to feel hurt or glad.   
  
You lay there quietly watching her eyes slowly give up until they close completely. You know you won't sleep tonight, not with her confession and having her in your bed. So instead you choose to enjoy what you have of her and watch her move lazily closer to you for warmth. You're aware she may freak in the morning and shout but for now she want you here, so you stay.  
  
"Lexa" she mumbles and you frown because you thought she was asleep.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I needed to see you tonight" she whispers as she nuzzles closer.  



	10. Chapter 10

**I Can't do this!**

 

 _"_ _I needed to see you tonight"_ _  
  
_ Clarke's words repeated in your head over and over again. You heard them perfectly when they left her mouth, but you're not sure how long it took you to realise the silent message. The message that brought her back to you instead of back home to her bed where Bellamy would be waiting. The realisation had your heart pounding as you watched her sleep peacefully while a overwhelming sense of guilt washed over you for your best friend. He trusted you and you betrayed him in away he never thought you would and you're not sure what to do about it. You feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough because when ever Clarke's in your line of sight, you forget. You forget the guilt, forget the betrayal, forget your loyalty to your friend and all you see is a woman you struggle to resist, a woman that makes you smile even when you know you shouldn't.  
You held her hand last night as you nuzzled closer together, keeping any cold from beneath the sheet. You told yourself you tried to move away but she didn't let you, only you know you barely tried at all because she the moment she squeezed your hand in question you stopped moving altogether and just squeezed her hand back for reassurance.  
  
It's all wrong, but you're to lost to care.  
  
_'I keep thinking about kissing you'  
  
'I missed you Wednesday'  
  
__"I'm trying to get away from you'_

You think. Think. Think. You just can't stop.  
  
You know you're over analysing every word she told you, but you can't help it while she's so close with her hair splayed across your pillow smelling of vanilla and a mixture of beer while her lip pouts as she sleeps. You smile subconsciously at such a peaceful beautiful mess while you move your hand to brush her hair from her face. You think about not seeing her like this again and it hurts because god you want nothing more than to be able to see this every day and you curse Bellamy for not realising how lucky he truly is.  
  
"Hi" Her voice is croaky and dry and you wonder what you have been doing while she woke apparently unnoticed.  
  
"Hi" You respond suddenly nervous as blue eyes look at you carefully while tucking a arm under her head not showing any signs of looking away or moving. You stare at one another for a moment, not sure what to say or if she had caught you staring while she slept. "There's water on the side if you need some" you say stupidly thinking of her dry throat.  
  
"I'm ok, thanks" she smiles and you know she wants to laugh at how nervous you become. "Thank you for not just throwing us out" she says with a small quirk to the corner of her lip.  
  
"I wouldn't do that"  
  
"I know" she barely whispers before looking in to your green eyes once more.  
  
It's so awkward yet calming you hate it. She isn't sure what to say and you sure as hell lost your brain months ago apparently so you're not even going to a attempt it, because attempting it means the possibility of ruining it, what 'it' is you're still not sure but either way you won't risk it.  
  
"I can't do this" she says dropping her gaze from you to where your hand rest between them and you frown thinking of something to say.  
  
"Do what?" you question feeling the thumping of your heartbeat getting faster, ready and waiting for her to knock you back and tell you what you have always expected to leave her lips anyway. Your frown grows as she refuses to look at you and instead focuses in on your fingers circling the sheet beneath you.  
  
"You. Me." she mutters sitting up in bed and you fight not to follow her movement and remain laying down. You breathe out a heavy breath and look at her, you really look at her and you're sure she can see your façade fall as your stomach drops with devastation. You had talked to yourself all night, thinking into her words more than necessary, thinking that ok maybe she could like you just as much back, maybe she could want this as much as you're trying to fight it. Maybe. Yet she had barely woken up took less than a few minutes to make you feel like you are the biggest idiot to walk this planet, this is why lesbians avoid straight girls, it can get very complicated. "I'm with Bellamy" she huffs out closing her eyes and you're half tempted to tell her not to wear it out, but you don't because you're hurt and jealous and she's Clarke. "I shouldn't be here with you" she says looking at you confused. "I should have gone home." She breathes and you can tell she's growing frustrated with herself, only then do you sit up too but still you have no clue what to say, and you're not sure you can look at her anymore so instead you focus on the door. Your exit.  
  
"I should go" she mutters climbing out of bed and walking toward the bedroom door only to pause before she opens it. "Lexa" she says defeated and you finally look up to see her back to you.   
  
"it's ok Clarke" You find your voice. You know it's not but it has to be. "I understand" You say and your voice wavers just a fraction. You said you would stop all this for her, that you would back of the second she can't handle it or says she doesn't want it, and you will. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt her, to cause her confusion beyond anything she has ever felt before you, so you inhale a deep breath because you know there's nothing you can do now. You move from beneath the sheets until you are standing behind her while Clarke presses her forehead to the door with her hand still firmly on the handle.   
  
"Nothing is ok" she breathes sadly pressing her body further in to the door "I can't stop thinking about you" she whines angrily before turning around to face you her eyes catching your gaze almost immediately. "Why wont you leave my head?" she pleads stepping closer to you.  
  
"I don't know" you confess, and you really don't but you ignore the flutter in your chest because she thinks about you just as much as you think about her. "I don't know" you repeat sadly. "I can stay away" you suggest painfully and you watch the words sink in as her eyes flash across your features aimlessly before landing on your lips. "If it will help" you swallow "I can do that." You're not sure you really can but try you will.   
  
"Lexa" she breathes her eyes still on your lips and for a split second she catches your gaze before diverting her eyes back down to you're lips again. You swallow harder than you ever have because she's making you nervous and anxious and she's looking at your lips like she did the other day before she kissed you.   
  
"Yeah" You barely whisper your eyes not daring to move a inch.  
  
"I don't think I can stay away from you" She confesses her eyes looking up at you once again for a brief second. "All I can think about is kissing you" she whispers and you swear she's moving closer. You stare at her all hot and bothered and you swear you have never changed temperature so quickly at a confession before, but she's so close and you can smell her sweet morning scent she's clouding your mind and blocking all your senses.   
  
"Clarke" You just about mutter out swallowing even harder than last time as her forehead comes to rest on yours. You know where this is leading, what she's going to do, you can tell how she's taking her sweet time while staring at your lip, hungry and soft. You should remind her about Bellamy, remind her she can't do this, or push her away and tell her to decide, because only moments ago she cut you deeper than you thought possible to now nervous and excited while patiently waiting to feel her lips touch yours again.   
  
You say nothing, instead you move Closer your eyes looking in blue eyes as she focuses on your lips, you want to lean in to close the gap but you're wondering what's keeping her from closing it herself, so instead you wait and rest your hand on her hip. You watch her eyes close at the contact and let out a breathe and you think you might explode. You're barely doing anything at all but she makes it feel so intimate and special that you want to move your hand to other places and discover more reactions she gets from you. Her eyes open just seconds later and first she looks in to your eyes before edging closer to your lips.   
  
She touches them so carefully and soft you think she's scared you might pull away. She's giving you a choice to move, to tell her to stop but you don't. You already lost yourself when you felt her unsteady breath against your lips before she kissed you. Instead you encourage it more, you grip her hip not only to keep yourself steady from the dropping sensation she sends through your stomach and knees every time, but to pull her closer to you, to feel every curve pressed tightly against your own as you kiss her back with so much need and want. A soft whine escapes her lips and you swear you lose your mind as you push her against the door carefully begging to hear such a sinful sound again. She nibbles your bottom lip harder than expected so you pull away but you are surprised but what you see. She's smiling at you devilishly with a smirk to say, Ha. You go to smile back but she's already kissing you again, pulling you in, pulling you closer as her tongue pleads for entrance. The involuntary moan was inevitable, you know that when it leaves your mouth as you let her tongue push against yours. You never knew kissing could feel so good, so intimate and special and just beautiful. But it is and you lose yourself more every time her tongue pushes eagerly against yours as her hands run up your shoulders and around your neck.   
  
  
"Are you awake!"   
  
The loud continues bangs on your bedroom door scare both of you apart, and you wipe your lips dry of Clarke as you stare at the ground trying to gain your breath back. You risk a look at Clarke two and she's doing the same facing the opposite direction. For a moment you both lost yourself, but now reality has come crashing down and you're suddenly scared she will leave again, especially after that kiss and her confessions.  
  
"Hello?" Octavia shouts again banging even louder. "Wake up!"   
  
"We're awake!!" Clarke shouts back placing her hands on her hips annoyed before turning around and you are unable to not look at her.   
  
"Bellamys on the phone!" she shouts "He wants to talk to you"   
  
Your stomach seizes up at the mention of your best friend and you swear you and Clarke both freeze as you look at one another. Her lips are still wet from you kissing her and you can still taste her on your tongue. Yet her boyfriend is on the phone waiting to talk to her. You turn around first because there's nothing else you can do and you can't look at her when she speaks with him, not now. You hear the door click open a second later and you breathe out heavily as you hear Clarke speak.  
You just want to block it out, her tone, the happiness she plays perfectly, you can't look at her even more because what if its all real? What if when you look at her she is really happy? Her tone isn't fake? You shake your head at the thought and grab your own phone as a distraction.   
  
"Lexa" Clarke says softly as she stands infront of you, only then do you realise her phone call is finished and she's looking at you sadly. You know what's to come next, you know that is, she's calling it a day because she can't do it and it angers you, it angers you because you can't do anything, you have no say and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You shake your head before she even says a word but you wait for what's to come anyway.   
  
"I'm sorry, i shouldn't have. We shouldn't have done that" She says looking at you with her confused blue eyes. You've had enough, you know it. You want to snap at her, bite her head of because she's hurting you again, because she kissed you again and led you on but you don't, you just nod your head stubbornly before looking up at her.   
  
"Its fine" You say your tone harder. "You're With Bellamy i get it, you can't do this. I should never have kissed you to start with" you say and your arms cross across your chest protectively as she looks at you like that, she knows she's hurt you now, she can see it. "it wont happen again" you promise and you push your lips in to a understanding smile as you try to step away and away from this bad decision.   
  
"Lexa" Clarke says more firmly gripping your arm. "Don't do that" she pleads and you see the fear appear in her eyes like switching on a light.   
  
"I'm not doing anything" you say taking your arm from her grip. "You can't do this Clarke" You say with a huff. "I understand"   
  
"You understand?" she says angrily. "Well that makes one of us then, because I feel like  I'm losing my mind" she snaps. It's the first time she has shown any anger towards you since you kissed her and it just so happens to be when you're walking away. "You kiss me, then you're dating someone" she snaps again as she pulls her hand from you "i have a boyfriend. God i have a boyfriend" she explains pacing the room as you watch her. "I shouldn't be wanting to come to you instead of him, i shouldn't be kissing you. God i shouldn't be thinking about you the way I have been" she rants her confusing blue eyes revealing everything that's confusing her because you are walking away. "I tried, i really tried getting you out my head, I went out without you, I danced I talked, I did everything without you and you're still here" she points angrily at her head like you just wont leave and she's begging for a escape. "Why won't you leave" She pleads her eyes tearing up because she has no idea what to do.   
  
"I'm sorry" you repeat your arms dropping at you reach out for her but she pushes you away wiping her eyes refusing the tears to fall.   
  
"I hate that you kissed me" she says angrily and you swallow down her words.   
  
You look at her and you see the mess you caused, the confusion she's in the anger that building and you nod at nothing repeating her words again. They hurt, they slice though you so brutally you beg for your walls to rebuild, but this is Clarke and that won't happen. So you say nothing, you do nothing as she realises what she has spat at you. You silently walk out the room without another word, she's said all she needs. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buzzing for the next chapter already ;)   
> That can only mean one thing right? Hmmm!
> 
> So what's are your thoughts, what's going to happen after this? Clarkes little scared outburst at the thought of Lexa walking away despite that's what she's been saying all along? But hurt her right at the end? Ouch. 
> 
> What now?


	11. Chapter 11

** I can't do this! **

 

"Then what?" Costia questions sliding a martini to you across the bar.  
  
"I left the room and made sure me and Clarke wasn't alone until she left" You admit taking a taste of your drink. You're not a drinker but the way you're feeling right now you feel like you could down the whole bar and you still wouldn't be drunk enough to deal with shit like this.  
  
"You just left her in your room?" Costia questioned eyes widening as she grabs a cloth and begins wiping down the bar.  
  
"Yeah" you breathe cringing at her reaction. "Shouldn't I have?"  
  
"Well, no but I think you did the right thing anyway" she says surprising you and she laughs when you look at her. "Don't act so surprised, there are ways you could have dealt with it better but I get it. She kissed you again, and then she's telling you she can't do it" she shrugs. "I actually feel sorry for her. She seems so confused and generally has no clue what to do about her feelings. I mean her feelings for Bellamy haven't just vanished, there still there but yet they seem to be being replaced, by something she's never experienced"  
  
"Yeah" you say defeated. You have ran every scenario over in your head to how she must be feeling to be able to be kissing you one moment while losing herself, to absolutely petrified if she even comes near you again. When you realised you were gay it wasn't a big deal, your attraction to men was little to none so it really wasn't much of a surprise to you so Clarke's situation is very different and you have no idea how to handle it the right way. "I got a phone call earlier from my boss" You admit quirking your lip to the side "He wants me to go to new York and help get the new firm on its feet until they find someone more permanent"  
  
"wow" Costia says dumbfounded "That's seems like a incredible opportunity  
  
"It is" You admit with a sigh   
  
"But you're not sure if to go?" She questions with a raised brow. You already know you don't need to answer. "Has she tried to contact you or anything?"  
  
"Yeah" You say pulling out your phone.You had put it on silent over a hour ago due to the constant notifications from Clarke. "She's called me a dozen times, and texts a few times too" you admit bringing your phone to life to prove exactly that. You hate ignoring her, and you would be lying if you said you wasn't itching to pull it out the moment you pressed silent and slid it in your back pocket.  
  
"Hi" You are interrupted as a man slides beside you.  
  
"Sod of buck a roo!" Costia snaps waving her cloth around as she diverts him elsewhere, he stares at her for a moment before standing back up and wondering of, you can't help but laugh and raise your brow at her. "You were saying?" she questions like the whole event never happened.  
  
"Um. Yeah" You grin. "I'm not sure what to do" you say more seriously. "I gave her time and she came to me. I told her the truth and gave her space to clear her head and she still came to me" You say frustrated "but then she's standing infront of me telling me, she can't do this? What am I suppose to do about that?" You question pulling the olive from your glass and sliding it in your mouth.  
  
"What am I your therapist?" She questions teasingly.  
  
"Kind of" you shrug with a smile. "I can pay you"  
  
"If its better than here then you're on"  
  
"Then you're hired" You grin.  
  
"Nah seriously. Like I said, time" she says with a shrug. "You can either stick around and wait for her to realise what she wants, or call it a day" she says like its obvious. "I Can't decide for you I'm afraid. Some people take years, refusing to accept what's infront of them, while others grab the bull by the horns and live life in the moment. She likes you that's clear and apparently she cant stop her lips falling on yours" Costia smirks as you reach out to smack her only for it to grow in size as you miss. "Pushing her won't help, but not talking to her wont either" She says pointedly while tapping the screen on your phone that just so happens to light up with another notification. "She clearly has something to say. You should speak to her" she informs before disappearing down the bar to another customer.  
  
You think it over twirling the phone in your hand as you repeat the messages in your head. The problem isn't listening to Clarke, or even being near her, they're the easy parts. The hard part is never knowing what to say, never knowing what's to much or not enough. Not knowing if you're crossing a line or not close enough because you have never been in this position before where everything needs handled with care and patience to still possibly get the result you dread. Everything was usually so simple, you go out meet someone, talk, hook up or date.  
  
"So what are you going to do?" Costia questions as she returns wiping down the bar again, like it isn't already sparkling.  
  
"Maybe I should answer?" You say more of a question than your decision.  
  
"Right" She laughs rolling her eyes. "Are you this incapable when you're with her?" she questions amused.  
  
"Pretty much" you laugh while taking a mouthful of martini.  
  
"No wonder she's torn" she teases as you eye her warningly. "Kidding" she laughs. "Ring her you idiot, before I call her"  
  
\---  
  
Stepping out in to the freezing cold night maybe wasn't your best decision. You're already shaking from nerves you don't really need the weather adding to it. You press call before you have time to over think things and walk back inside with no phone call events what so ever, you know Costia would only push you out the door again anyway, or worse snatch the phone and speak to Clarke herself.  
  
"Lexa" Clarke breathes  
  
It's the first thing you hear, and despite the cold air surrounding you running a chill through your bones, you feel a small amount of warmth flow through you.  
  
"Hi" You say innocently looking through the window where Costia is smirking at you. "sorry I've ignored your calls" You say looking to the ground ashamed. "I just needed time to breathe and think about everything" you say closing your eyes tightly as the phone line falls silent.  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"A bar" You say simply looking at the design from the outside. It's bad that you can tell its for the rich just by looking at it.  
  
"with Costia?" she questions more quietly and you frown at the tone, taking small steps infront of you.  
  
"Yeah" You admit with your brow still creased. "She works here" You explain. The phone line falls quiet again as you look through the window where Costia is now serving a customer.  
  
"Can I see you?"  
  
You take a minute to long to answer, but honestly you are not sure if you are ready to. You're not sure you can stop yourself from wanting to kiss her anymore than she is at actually doing it. Knowing she thinks about you to makes matters worse, because you know its not just one sided.  
  
"Do you think that's a good idea?" you question instead looking to the ground again not sure what answer you're hoping for.  
  
"No" She breathes and you nod at her words. "But I really need to" she says after a moment of silence.  
  
"Where are you?" you question taking in a breath.  
  
You can't say no to her.  
  
"Outside your door" she admits and your heart skips a beat.  
  
"You're at mine?" you question freezing in your movements.  
  
"Like I said, I need to see you" She says more shyly than you have ever heard her.  
  
"I'll be ten minutes" you say already heading back indoors to grab your stuff while you hang up.  
  
"Clarke's at mine. Got to go. Call you tomorrow" You rush out as Costia watches you rush for your stuff. You are already near the door before she had time to respond.  
  
"Go get her buck a roo!" she laughs and the door closes behind you.  
  
\--  
  
You took fourteen minutes to arrive home. You know that because you were looking at your watch every thirty seconds impatiently wondering why you ever chose a bar out your way, while quietly cursing your taxi driver to hurry the hell up. You were so caught up in worrying about just getting there, you forgot to worry about the rest, what to say, what was going to happen from here, why she was even at your door in the first place when you clearly wasn't home. It all rushed to you in a panic as the lift dinged opening the doors which left you staring at Clarke leaning against your apartment door. You froze on the spot still standing in the lift as sad blue eyes looked at you before giving you a smile that's was barely there at all. Only when the lift doors threatened to Close again did you move your feet bowing your head to the ground before looking back up again.  
  
"Sorry I took so long" You say nervously as you push your key in the door allowing her to enter first.  
  
"It's ok" she says and you watch her arms wrap protectively around you as she looks around your apartment like it was all new to her. You give her a minute to gather her thoughts, to decide what she wants to talk about and why she's here as you remove your heels and coat before walking in to the kitchen for two wine glasses. Truthfully you need this moment for yourself too, because you have no idea what's about to happen, and this time there is no escape.   
  
"Here" You say quietly handing her a now filled glass as she sits in the middle of the couch.   
  
"Thanks" she says looking at the liquid briefly before she looks at you. You can't be this close to her right now, so you smile softly and create space between you as you sit on the chair opposite her. The silence is deafening and you know one of you should say something soon instead of staring at your wine glass and one another, but you don't trust yourself to say the right thing right now so you settle for taking a bigger mouthful of wine instead. When you pull the wine glass away from your lips she's looking at you, really looking at you and you can't help but look back while wondering what's running through her mind.  
  
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier" she says eyes never removing from yours. "I didn't- that's not what I meant" she breathes closing her eyes in frustration.  
  
"It's ok Clarke" You say and at this stage it feels like its a automatic response.   
  
"It's not" she breathes looking to her drink before back to you. "I don't want to hurt you Lexa" she confesses as her eyes aimlessly skip across your features. You want to roll your eyes, laugh even and tell her its to late for that but you don't because you're frustrated and you have no idea what she's really thinking.   
  
"Urgh" she wines in frustration. "Why is everything so hard?" she questions and you look up to see the exhaustion painted across her face before she downs half of the glass of wine with a cringe to her lip, you resist the urge to smile and instead look down because now's not the time to find her cute. "Just give me a minute ok?" she questions and you nod not sure what she's asking for, but when she shows no sign of moving and instead just looks at you and starts talking, you know she's asking you to just listen. "You kissed me" she explains. "I Didn't expect that, god I really didn't. Then I thought we could just move past it, forget it ever happened and carry on because, you're my best friend" she says with a furrow to her brow. "No matter how much I tried, I couldn't. I don't know why I couldn't." she says even more confused with herself as she remembers the events after the kiss. You do nothing but listen because you have no idea how she felt, no idea what she went through so you look at her, god you look at her because she's waving her hands around with a furrow to her brow and you know what she's saying isn't planned and your heart beats a little harder at the mess she is.   
  
"I didn't want things to change, but they did" her frown deepens "we went from speaking everyday, to not speaking at all. Avoiding one another. I wanted to talk to you, god I really did I wanted to ring, text but I was scared because the kiss" she says her eyes widening. "it kept replaying, and I didn't want it to" she says quietly. "Then Costia" she breathes but she says the name a little harder. Her eyes looking down to her lap before looking up again while playing aimlessly with the wine glass.  
You realise something right there and then. Despite her trying to explain things in the best way she can, she's still confused. She's confused by her change of tone, by why she can't just forget it, why she kissed you, she can't make it make sense to you because she can't make sense of It herself and you swallow hard at how confused she really is and getting a little insight.   
  
"You kissed her infront of me" Clarke says not daring to look at you "it hurt" she breathes. "It shouldn't though should it?" she questions. "I have a boyfriend. I live with him" she explains "Our kiss to you was a mistake, you said that. So why did it hurt?" she questions her brows pulling down in concentration. You put your glass down and move closer to her putting your bum on the table infront of her as you reach out for her hand gripping it with a force you didn't know you had. You feel guilty, so guilty not for Bellamy or the betrayal you have done, but for the blonde infront of you.   
  
"Clarke" You start only for her to cut you off as she uses her other hand to press to your cheek while edging closer with glistening eyes. She wants to cry, you can see it and your heart breaks as her confused eyes look in to yours.   
  
"When I'm with him, I'm thinking of you" she says as her eyes aimlessly wonder across your features taking you in while her thumb sooths your cheek. "I don't look at girls Lexa" she confesses as she's begging you to believe her. "I still don't" she says even more confused "Why with you?" she questions and she wants you to answer it. She needs you to because how can it mean she likes women if she doesn't see other women that way. You watch her tears shed from her eyes as her lips turn down while she clenches her jaw trying to stop it, but she can't.   
  
"Clarke" you whisper reaching forward to wipe her tears away while soothing your thumb over her tightened jaw as its all she has from stopping herself sobbing. "I have no answers for you" you say sadly. "I wish I did, I wish I could give them to you" you breath as you rest your forehead against hers. "I can't tell you how you feel. I wish I could take it away, all of it" you admit because you have never not seen Clarke put together. Her tears continue to fall and your heart breaks even more because you can't take this away, you can't make this better infact you're pretty fucking useless considering you caused this shit to begin with.   
  
"Don't get upset" you whisper more of a plea as you continue to wipe her falling tears sadly. "I- " You pause looking for something, anything to say but what really is there? You're stuck because what you need to do you really don't want to, but you clench you jaw and push yourself.   
  
"I think you need time away from me" you confess. "Time to work through that head of yours with no distractions" You say softly looking in to soft wet blue eyes as you brush blonde locks clear from her face. "You know how I feel for you Clarke" you say and you hope she really does. "but I can't be the one to decide these choices for you" you breathe sadly no matter how much you wish you could.   
  
"I don't-" Clarke starts only to pause sniffling her nose while wiping her tears. "I don't want that" she says. "I don't think I can" she admits bringing you even closer because she's scared you will leave. "I just- I want you around me, but I still-"   
  
"You still care for Bellamy" you finish in a understanding tone. "I Know" you admit running you hand down to her chin till you're gripping it for her to look at you and listen. "You need this" You tell her because she does.   
  
"I don't think I can" she whines holding you tighter.   
  
"You won't have a choice" you say closing your eyes regrettably before reopening them again to see furrowed blue eyes. "I'm going away for a while" You say only deciding on your final decision right now, you need to do this for her.  
  
"what?" she questions her voice hardening and demanding as she forgets her fallen tears.   
  
"My boss needs me to" You explain. "I think I need to for me to" you admit.   
  
"You're leaving?"   
  
"I'll be back" You say trying to keep her close but her body has tensed and she's no longer listening.   
  
"How long?" she demands.   
  
"A month to six weeks" you say looking in to blue eyes "You need time to clear your head" you say as she stands up but you quickly follow her lead. "Clarke" you say desperately as she's getting ready to leave.   
  
"I need to go" she says shaking her head and you curse yourself for every wrong thing you have possibly said. You grab her arm pulling her back and preventing her from leaving and absolutely terrified you have made the choice for her for being a idiot, but you are desperate and with her you know no right or wrong. You look in to her blue eyes begging for her to understand but she's hurt and confused but you hold her even tighter.   
  
"Tell me what to do" you plead "I don't know what you want me to do" you say and you know its desperate. "I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have" You confess as you search her blue eyes, she softens. You feel it in her posture along with her eyes as her lips fall downwards just a little.   
  
"I don't know" She says defeated only then do you trust her not to leave to let go. "I just-" she says shaking her head. "I don't know anymore" she breathes and you find yourself nodding in understanding because neither do you. "When do you leave?" She questions looking at you sadly.  
  
"Two days" You confess and you watch her deflate a little more her arms wrapping around herself and you desperately want to replace them with your own.   
  
"Can I stay here tonight?" she questions After a beat of silent. "On the couch" she adds. "It's just he will know I've been crying and I don't want to-"   
  
"You can stay" you interrupt not needing a explanation while suddenly feeling awkward again.   
  
\----  
  
  
You go to bed thinking of the next six weeks ahead of you, they haven't even begun but you know they are going to be the most challenging of your life so far. Not only do you have to take on the task of not focusing on the blonde in a different state, but you have to actually work and be on top of things or you could possibly ruin your career before its started and prove to everything that you're nothing but useless. To top things of you know you won't sleep tonight, you can't even shut your brain of for a few seconds because if the next six weeks wasn't bad enough, Having Clarke in the other room sleeping was hard enough. It had taken everything in you to say goodnight and walk out the room as she laid lazily on the couch while knowing it will be the last time you see her. Even more aware it could be the end of everything between the two of you as you head of to give her space.  
  
You only realise you have fallen asleep as you are being woken by a shift in your bed. The rooms dark but as you lazily open your eyes you see a shadow laying beside you. You blink a few times before you see Clarke staring back at you.   
  
"Lex" she whispers incase you aren't fully awake.   
  
"Hm" you hum staring back.   
  
"I don't want you to go" she says reaching her hand out for yours.  
  
"I know" you say.  
  
You don't want to go either, but you both know you have to. You let yourself fall asleep together one last time, because in all honesty you think it will be the last time Clarke Griffin steps foot in your apartment and you hold her a little tighter for it.   
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, just wanted to say a few things. 
> 
> Firstly thank you so much for everyone that has commented with such high praises! Like seriously, wow! Thank you so much!  
> I'm so proud of myself for everyone thinking I'm good at writing angst, however I'm sure that makes me depressing ;) lmao!
> 
> Secondly I just wanted to explain why I don't want Lexa away to long :)   
> I've read a few story where they have huge breaks and every time I read them I think its to long, for this story especially because I find there so close and cute together, and even though Clarke's in two worlds she can't get mad at Lexa, and she certainly didn't want her going anywhere, she didn't think she could stay away it was just unfortunate it was forced on her, so because Clarke's on her way to realising loads of things she has already confessed I didn't want them waiting to long as I like it raw, Clarke just needs to figure out if she wants to remain with Bellamy while Lexa's away really, if she does Lexa kind of has her answer. :) So yeah hopefully I write it more understand I don't know but that's my reasoning, not a clue what I'm doing with Bellamy yet :(

**I can't do this!  
**

"So how's everything going over there?"  
  
"I can't wait to come home" You moan slouching back on the bed while looking at your phone.  
  
"You know I've never heard someone whine quite as much as you" Costia says shaking her head. "You're in a different state with everything paid for, you don't know how lucky you are!"  
  
"You realise I'm working right?" you question with a raised brow "With all the tie and suit kind of guys you can't stand"   
   
"yuh huh" She nods waiting for your point.  
  
"I don't have time to enjoy it properly"  
  
"Course you do, you're wasting time on the phone with me aren't you?" she questions with a smirk. "You could be sight seeing right now"  
  
"Its late" you deadpan.  
  
"Find a fancy pub then, jheeze. It's all free!" She exclaims like you had no idea you had a company credit card in your blazer. "Free, Lexa. Free!"  
  
"Maybe tomorrow" you say with a heavy breath while kicking your shoes off.  
  
"You said that last week, and the week before that. I knew there was a reason I didn't go for you" she says Scrunching up her face. "You're boring"  
  
"I am not boring" you defend raising your brows. "and you so went for me" you smirk knowing you have her there.  
  
"Not how I remember it" She says shaking her head while walking around on the camera.  
  
"Told you, you have memory problems. It's why you work in that pub" You joke with a smirk.  
  
"Ouch!" she mocks offence. "That hurt" she lies.  
  
"Shut up" you laugh standing up to run yourself a bath. "How's work anyway?"  
  
"Hm now that you mention it, guess who I bumped in to after work last week" She says with excited eyes as you run the hot tap and stick the plug in.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Clarke Griffin"  
  
At the mention of her name you snap your gaze back to the screen to see Costia smiling devilishly with new information. You haven't spoken to her in six weeks, you had agreed it was what was best and necessary and you had felt like you were dying everyday for it. You missed her more than you could express or even begin to explain. You missed her voice, her smile everything that just made her, her. Most nights you had gone to sleep thinking of your last goodbye. She had held your hand as you walked her to the front door as she nervously played with your fingers before looking at you with those nervous blue eyes. Its then that you made your agreement not to contact one another with her protesting, its then that you told her to do what ever needs done no matter what that is. You're aware that means you had given her permission to tell Bellamy what ever she needed to, or if anything at all not that she needed that permission in the first place but you felt like you should voice it anyway.   
  
"How did she look?" You question as you sit on the toilet seat starring at the screen.   
  
"She looked, Different" Costia explains hesitantly.   
  
"Different?" You question furrowing your brow. "How do you mean?" You question turning the hot water of so you can hear properly. You can feel your heart pound in your chest at the thought of Clarke different, and a sense of worry washed over you immediately. You have absolutely no idea what's happening back home, how she is, or even if anything has changed at all. Bellamy had called you a few times but you had dodged his calls, before sending him a text explaining you're busy and you will call him later only you never did. Truth is you were scared to answer his calls, not because he might no you kissed his girlfriend, but because he might not and Clarke might still be happily his. It was the coward way out you know it, but you couldn't stop the dreaded feel corrupting your stomach at just the thought, you're not ready yet to hear you were just a mistake.   
  
"I don't know" Costia explains with a twitch to her lip. "I don't know her very well, but" she says looking around her own room searching for the right words. "She was so quiet" she says finally focusing back on her phone. "She looked deep in thought the whole time she was there"   
  
"where were you?"   
  
"That coffee shop you showed me" She says with a smile. "when I was ordering I noticed her sitting down playing with salt"  
  
"Did you talk to her?"  
  
"I thought it would be rude not to" she says as she places her phone on the kitchen counter so she can move freely around the kitchen. You watch her for a moment waiting for her to continue or elaborate further while she rummages through her cupboards. "I said hi and she just looked at me for a minute, like she wasn't really focused on who I was" she explains while coming back in to focus infront of the camera. "She was polite enough though, she apologised for being rude at Bellamys"  
  
"She did?" You question not surprised at all as your smile slowly grows. That was the Clarke Griffin you knew, the one that cared about everyone, who wouldn't look down at a fly never mind another human being because she believes you can be who you want to be, as long as you're happy who cares? Which now that you really think about it is rather funny.  
  
"Yeah" Costia smiles back. "She was actually pretty nice, even asked me to join her if I wanted to"   
  
"Did you?"   
  
"just until I waited for my coffee, I was in abit of a rush or I would have" Costia says regrettably. "but she did ask about you" Costia says and you want to hit her for not starting with that. For six weeks you have done nothing but guess, nothing but wonder if she's still thinking about you and dying to get in touch like you are. "She asked how you were" Costia smirked "She was trying to be subtle but it really wasn't" Costia laughed "Turns out you both have that in common"   
  
"Shut up" You say rolling your eyes while your heart beats with the first bit of excitement you haven't felt in to long. "What did you say"   
  
"I told her you're doing good" She says softly. "I told her you miss her" She says even softer with a understanding smile.   
  
"Thank you" You find yourself saying. You didn't no you needed Clarke to no until that very moment.   
  
"Lex" Costia says more seriously. "I have to go but, she looks like she's doing better" Costia says honestly. "When are you coming home?"   
  
"I'm not sure" You say even more annoyed. You had hoped to be heading home already, you had reached your deadline two days ago but the company wasn't ready for you to just up and leave yet, especially since your boss hadn't decided on the person he wanted to run the entire firm yet. "Hopefully soon"   
  
\--  
  
"You should come with us" Andy pleads. "Trust me it will be fun, its your last night" He says like its reason enough. You had said no every Friday night to the same thing and returned back to your hotel room to relax and forget about work but the excitement of going home tomorrow had your spirits higher so you found yourself smiling while shaking your head.   
  
"Fine" You huff only to smile wider as he cheers.   
  
"Good. 8'o clock woods. Don't be late" he orders pointing his finger as you as he rushed out the lift.   
  
\--  
  
You go. You drink. You laugh, and god you let your hair down for the first time in eight weeks and it feels amazing. Your muscles are so tight and sore that you are glad of the alcohol effects you usually hate as you feel every sore part disappear while you dance the night away.   
  
When you sit down and take your wine glass from the table you take a moment to look around, to say your silent goodbye to New York city. For eight weeks it had become your home, you had made new friends and was proud of how you laid the new firm out with high praises from your boss. You had eventually listened to Costia's nagging words telling you to enjoy yourself, and for some reason when you heard that Clarke had asked about you it made it easier, since then you had visited the Empire state building, you had gone to the memorial ground of 911 and traced your finger over the engraved names with so much respect and sadness. You even went on a big red tour bus just so you could say you had done it. You fell in love with New York along the way, the lights, the atmosphere and especially the food, but what made it even better was when you were doing all these things, you knew Clarke would fall in love with all of it just like you, you imagined her smile, her laugh and her excitement at riding a red bus with no roof. You smile at nothing as you look around the bar one last time, seeing people hitting on others, dancing while many were being told to get lost. You laugh again at nothing and you feel like you're floating as you pull your phone out. You shouldn't be this happy to be going home tomorrow but you are, you know you should be nervous, but you can't be not when you will see her again, no matter the outcome, you're ready.   
You pull your phone out and scroll through your old photo's until you see one of your favourite photos.   
  
You and Clarke dressed as Michael Jackson, her arm swung effortlessly around you as she clings to your hip. You only just looked up in time as Octavia clicked the flash but the moment you looked at the photo you had to have it, so did Clarke apparently as Octavia was sending it seconds later.   
  
"Who's that?" Andy questions swinging his drunken arm around you as you laugh at him closing your phone.   
  
"Just someone I know" You brush of as you clumsily begin swaying to the music with him.   
  
"A special someone or just someone?" he questions waggling his brows  
  
"Special" You say after a moment. You smile because those words don't come close to how you feel, and the time apart had only made your heart grow fonder. "Excuse me" You say quickly not giving him time for a response before you're making your way out the bar while pulling out your phone.   
  
You don't think, you're not scared. You just do it.   
  
It rings once.  
  
Twice.   
  
Three times.   
  
"Hello"   
  
It's hesitant but you heard it, you heard it like she's making sure you're really calling and you are. You let out a breath because its the first time you have heard her voice in to long, and you smile in to the night sky because soon you will see her.   
  
"Hi" You say through a toothy smile. "I know it's late, but I just I wanted to tell you" you say pausing as you look up to the night sky. "I'm home tomorrow" you say and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding as your smile grows with every bit of excitement pumping through you. It could be the drink, but you are sure its just how she makes you feel, because not only have you realised your feelings are stronger than you ever thought possible, you have realised you're in love with her.  "I would love to see you" You say as you pace the path.   
  
"I'd like that" you hear her say and you know she's smiling.  
  
  
 **Needed this chapter for the effect of not seeing one another for quite some time :) Sorry!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well things have to crash right?

** I Can't do this! **

 

Home never felt so good, you're not ashamed to admit you dived on your bed head first with a loud moan of satisfaction. You even rolled and snuggle deeper in your sheets and pillows like some annoying dog would after you've made the bed. Truthfully you are just glad to be off the plane, you knew you were unlucky in love but god, life really was trying to screw you over as you were sat next to the most boring person you have ever met. Apparently he masters in philosophy, you hadn't the slightest clue about it when he first started but now you're pretty sure you can write a book, a book that no one would buy while it collects dust on the bottom shelf of a run down library. You just wanted to sleep your hangover away, but no there he was yapping in your ear while you silently thought about cutting his tongue out.  
  
"What" You whine down the phone before it even has time to ring.  
  
"Well hello, yes I'm fine thank you"  
  
"Urgh" you grunt your eyes already closing from such a long day.  
  
"Tired?" Costia questions as you press the phone on loud speaker to lazy to hold it to your ear.  
  
"Urgh"  
  
"So you're a grumpy sleepy" Costia laughs. "Just wanted to say welcome home, and come see me when you have settled" She sings down the phone.  
  
"Thanks" you mumble eyes already closed before you hear the phone go dead. "Hm. Sleepy" you mumble gripping the pillow tighter as you fade in to darkness.  
  
\---  
  
You wake to the familiar sunlight creeping through the cracks of your blinds and the sweet smell of home. You stretch out in style because today you don't have to rush, you don't have to put your face on or even get changed because you have the next few days of as a thank you from your boss. You intend on taking full advantage. As you make your way in to the kitchen and make yourself a cup of coffee you notice the blanket Clarke used hanging over the back of your couch. You smile as you reach for it, because she never really needed it as she snuggled up with you in bed. You breathe a breath out as you sit on the arm of your couch pulling your phone out. You have no text or call from her yet, not that you should as you never told her what time you would be home, but still you can't wait to see her. You're ready to face the unknown and the next chapter of your life whether it's with Clarke or without her.  
  
It had took time to accept that, you dread that moment of course you do, but there's always that maybe. You can't deny you are clinging to it, that and the words she had left you with, honestly it had given you all the hope you needed in the last few weeks, her sad eyes when you told her you were leaving, the way she clung to your hand even though she was already backing out your door. You missed her the moment she turned around and every day since. How you never considered you were in love with her was bizarre.  
  
"Just text her" You mutter looking down at your phone "Just let her no your home" you encourage "Just a text" You say one last time before shaking your head writing out a message. You keep it simple, because what else is there to say? It's not like you can text her with the question that's been looming around you for two months. Your stomach drops at the thought.  
  
**Clarke :** Are you free today? xx  
  
You slide your phone across the kitchen counter before making sure its on loud. You busy yourself waiting for that beep. You freshen up your home as you sing along to song's you don't know the words to, but carry on singing the wrong one's anyway with pride. You make lunch and stare at your phone as you eat, clicking it alight incase you missed the sound. You didn't. You sigh loudly as you slide the phone back across the counter only chewing because you have too, suddenly no longer hungry. You refuse to let it worry you, to let it set doubt in your head as you know how excited you are to see her, so you still keep busy.  
You jump in the shower washing the dirt from your skin and the terrible conversation about philosophy. You try not thinking about why Clarke hasn't texted you back as you wash your now frizzy hair. If you think, you plant doubt, and if you plant doubt, then you will lose all the confidence you are sure you have gained. As you dry yourself free of water and put more comfier clothes on you find yourself already walking towards your phone on the kitchen counter as you dry your hair with a towel.  
As the phone comes to life there's a knock at your door.  
It's enough time to realise you have no notifications before twitching you lip to the side as you head for the door.  
  
You stand still for a brief second, a second where you take her in, eyes wondering aimlessly across her before landing on those blue eyes you watched turn away from you in the exact hallway eight weeks ago. You smile because, god she takes the air from your lungs and she looks even more beautiful than the last time you saw her. Costia was right you think as you finally connect your eyes with hers, she does look different. You swallow hard because that seems to be a effect she has on you.  
  
"Hi" You say shyly suddenly the confidence you thought you had now long gone.  
  
"Hi" she grins before wrapping you in one of her bear hugs unexpectedly. You hold her just as tightly as she holds you because you have missed her. She still smells of vanilla and you can't stop your smile from growing as you squeeze her just that little bit tighter for much longer than necessary, but you really couldn't give a dam. "I've missed you" she admits slowly pulling away as she pulls herself together but you can do nothing but grin from ear to ear as your eyes have a mind of their own. She really is beautiful.  
  
"You two" You admit biting your lip nervously. You were to excited to see her again to actually take the time in thinking how to start such a conversation you were dreading having. Now you just feel awkward as you stand staring at her more shyer than you have ever felt in your life. Dam confidence. "Can I get you a drink?" You question suddenly clearing your throat. You don't wait for her to respond before you're darting of to the kitchen in search for a drink of your own.  
  
"No thank you" she says with a soft smile and you know she's looking at you amused.  
  
You bide time looking in the fridge for a bottle of water despite it being directly infront of you. You beg yourself to grow a pair of balls and just ask her, just come out with it and get it over with, its what's lingering after all and its what you need to know before you can move forward with any conversation you are about to have. You close your eyes because you know she can't see you whispering to yourself that you can do it, but reality is, you know you can't, and you have been staring in thie fridge for far to long. As you close the fridge Clarke is already looking at you.  
  
"I broke up with Bellamy" she blurts out.  
  
Well that was easier than you thought it would be.   
  
"I'm sorry" she says covering her face with her hands. "This shouldn't be awkward" she says annoyed with herself but you can't help but smile because it's like watching the confused girl before you left when none of her conversations were planned. "I didn't mean to say it like that"  
  
"When?" you find yourself questioning as you move closer to her.   
  
"Four weeks ago" she admits looking down to the ground before back at you, her eyes are sparkling with hope and something you have never seen before and you can't take your eyes of her. You smile sadly knowing how hard that must have been, but inside your chest flutters because although she hasn't confirmed what she wants, its a step in the right direction, a step where you could possibly be. "Can we sit?" she questions. You're so close you don't want to but you nod anyway as you follow her to the couch.   
  
"I guess we have a lot to talk about" you say as she watches you carefully.   
  
"I Guess we do" She smiles sitting closer to you on the couch.   
  
"How is he?" you question after a moment, ashamed of yourself for avoiding his calls.  
  
"I don't know" she says reaching for your hand as her blue eyes stare in to yours. She was always confident and you find yourself smiling because despite the situation, that hasn't changed. "He asked me to stay" she admits "but I couldn't"  
  
"Why?" You find yourself questioning and its so quiet, so soft that you are sure she knows what you're really asking. You know she does when she squeezes your hand looking in to your green eyes before down to your lips.  
  
"because even though you were miles away, I still couldn't escape you" she whispers looking in to your green eyes once more.  
  
"Yeah?" you question after a beat of silence Your hearts pounds against your rips so hard you're sure you could see it if you looked, never mind hear it.  
  
"Yeah" she smiles licking her lips. "I've really missed you Lexa" she says honestly.   
  
Your mouths dry and your hearts pounding and to make matters worse you have no idea what to say as she squeezes your hand again. Only now do you realise no matter how much you hoped all these things would leave Clarke's mouth, you never really believed they would. Deep down you expected the outcome to be opening the flood gates to something you wasn't even sure you were prepared to deal with. Yet here she is, looking at you with that spark you have never seen before but quickly growing addictive while she tells you, you have been on her mind none stop for the last two months. Honestly your ears are ringing and you don't even think you are breathing.  
  
"I'm still figuring things out" she says softly.  
  
"I understand" you say quickly. You don't need her to explain that she don't want to just jump in to something new, that she's still getting use to the idea of her sexuality changing. You nod with a smile that tells her its ok, because it is. "You don't need to explain anything" you say as you watch the spark become alive in her eyes, you can't help yourself from reaching forward and gliding a thumb down her now relaxed jaw line. "It takes as long as it takes"   
  
"Thank you" she says.   
  
"For what?"  
  
"Being patient" she say quietly and shyer than her usual self as she looks down at your entwined hands. "and giving me space"  
  
"Did it help?"   
  
"Yeah" she admits connecting her eyes with yours once more. "I realised a lot since you've been gone" She grins biting her bottom lip.   
  
"I look forward to you filling me in" you say not wanting to push her anymore than she's ready to.    
  
"Me to" she hums eyes drifting to your lips before back up again, you lose yourself for a moment. You can't help but sooth your thumb over her jawline as you think about kissing her again, you have memorised the taste of her lips from the three kisses you have shared, you're not embarrassed to admit you thought about them daily. She's a great kisser after all. Her growing smile brings you back and stops you from leaning forward as you're caught staring, you clear your throat with a pink blush to your cheeks and try to brush it away.   
  
"So where are you staying now?" you question clearing your throat again. You want to know everything, what she's been doing, how she is, what she's realised and of course the more daunting part what Bellamy knows, but for know you keep it light because its the first time you have seen her In to long and you just want to enjoy the moment. Just for today.   
  
"In a hotel" she says huffing as she slouches back on the couch. "Temporary of course. Just why I'm looking"   
  
"A hotel?" You frown. "Clarke, you could have stayed here"  
  
"I was trying to get away from you, not surround myself with everything you" she smiles.   
  
She has a point.   
  
"You can't stay in a hotel" you still state. "There expensive, and I have a spare room. You can stay in that"   
  
"Lexa I'm fine" she says pulling your hand in to her lap and bringing you closer. "Thank you though" She whispers bringing her forehead to rest again yours. You're silenced instantly as you study her features while her vanilla scent blocks out all your normal body functions. You're sure you're not breathing again. "Can I kiss you?" she questions sweetly and you know you're a idiot when your bottom lip parts from your top in anticipation. As if that's even a real question, you resist the urge to roll your eyes because you're not breathing as it is and her lips are awfully close.  
  
"Yeh" You clear your throat quickly hoping she doesn't notice the mumbling mess you have become as you look down at her lips. "Yes" you barely whisper and you watch her lips turn in to a smile before focusing back on your lips. "You never have to ask" you say softly as you're heart has gone erratic.   
  
She watch her the whole time, as her smile drops from your lips as she shifts on the couch that little bit closer. She's watching you too with every move she makes making sure you're ok as much as she is. You want to scream you're good, that you have thought about it from the moment you flew out eight weeks ago till this very moment, but you don't, you stay quiet inhaling a nervous slow breath as her eyes close and her lips reach out for yours.   
  
Your ears are ringing as you feel her lip tremble against yours as she kisses you with so much want. She feels the same, taste the same and god you think its even better than every other time you have ever kissed another human being. Your hands slips across her cheek keeping her close as you pull her in for more, because this isn't nearly enough, you're sure Clarke will always leave you wanting more. The soft sound of her familiar moan has your stomach dropping while your knees fall weak, you want to grab her, feel every curve, every tremble until she's calling your name with more want than she's ever experienced. Yet you know this has to be all her pace and she's not ready to commit to anymore yet so you hold back biting her bottom lip before kissing her again while hearing her sinful moans escape those delicate lips.   
  
"Hmm" she hums parting from your lips but keeping her forehead resting against yours. When you open your eyes you see her eyes still closed tasting you on her own lips, it gets your heart racing and you want to kiss her again already. "I've been wanting to do that for a while" she confesses as blue eyes flicker open and you don't resist even holding back the smirk on your lips.   
  
"Me to" you admit biting your bottom lip.   
  
You refuse to leave the bubble you both have created for a little longer as you hold one another and talk about the time you have spent apart. Nothing important gets mentioned, nothing that you know needs discussed anyway, but for now you allow yourself to smile and laugh at some stories she tells you, while you also tell her about your philosophy man. She holds your hand the whole time as you snuggle closer to one another, you ignore the way her eyes drift to your lips occasionally as she does the same when your eyes wonder too. Instead you smile and let your heart flutter that she isn't running away from you, she's just still has things to figure out but as far as you're concerned, you're waiting for something that's worth it.  
  
You light a few candles around the living room as the room falls dark, you intend on continuing your conversation while holding one another just as close, but when you move back to where you previously were Clarke is laying across the couch with a space empty ready for you. You hesitantly lay down careful not to touch her anywhere she doesn't want and she smiles amused at you once more before pushing a few strands of your wild hair clear from your face.   
  
"Lex" she whispers like the world is asleep.   
  
"Yeah"   
  
"When did you know?" she questions.   
  
"Know what?"   
  
"When you started seeing me different?"   
  
The question catches you of guard because you had removed the tension from the room, you hadn't spoken about you and her, what this means or where you both stand. You hadn't even spoke about your best friend and how he is since you kissed her, you know its lingering around both of you, so it really shouldn't have caught you so of guard.   
  
"Um" you hum twitching you lip to the side as you look in to her blue eyes. "I've thought about this too" you admit. "Remember when it was Bellamy's birthday?"   
  
"Yeah?" she frowns thinking back months ago.   
  
"I was ill that night and I really couldn't be dealing with the party or the drink so I went upstairs" You explain reliving the day. "You had noticed i'd vanished and come looking for me"   
  
"I found you hunched over the toilet" She continues for you and you smile because she remembers.   
  
"Yeah" You say with a blush.   
  
"That was a long time ago" She says with a soft furrow to her head as her eyes aimlessly wonder across your features.   
  
"Yeah" you say looking between you before looking in to blue eyes. "I was always a little slow on realising things" You say because its the truth. When you came to the conclusion you thought of Clarke more often than not, you couldn't pinpoint the exact moment things changed until you had time away from her. "You took care of me" you shrug smiling at the memory, she didn't just take care of you like holding your hair back from the sick. She stayed with you all night, held your hair fetched you a drink and demanded you nibbled on something while pulling a blanket over the both  of you on the bathroom floor. She cuddled you as you shivered before helping you up in Bellamys bed. She stayed with you all night and made Bellamy sleep on the couch in his own home, and you had never had anyone so caring or soft towards you.   
She looks at you for a moment with those big blue eyes, and for a minute you think she wants to say something but she thinks better of it and stops herself, instead reaching for your hand and snuggling closer towards you.   
  
It's weird in the best of ways because for so long you have seen her as a friend, seen her as a person with a line between you, lines you can not cross, but right now you seem to be crossing all of them and its weird because you never thought you would, but at the same time you never want to go back.   
  
She doesn't say a word after that as she snuggles close enough to feel your breath, you're not sure when it happens but both of you fall asleep with your heart never feeling so full. You stay in your protected bubble for just a little longer. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I'm trying to figure out how i want this to go down, bare with me everyone.  
> Up until these chapters its been easy lol now however...urgh!

**I Can't do this!**

 

The first thing you notice when you wake up is blue eyes staring back at you. She's smiling that smile she uses to tease you but you are to tired to ask her why. The second is her hand resting on your bare hip, its surprising how quick you are suddenly awake. You go to greet her with good morning but you stop when you remember how close she is, you just pretty much got her, you don't want to kill her with your death breath just yet.  
  
"I never knew you snored" She says amused her smile refusing point blank to move from those beautiful little lips.  
  
"I do not snore" you say turning your face to the side to hide your breath.  
  
"You do" she says before leaning up on her elbow looking down at you. "A little cute one" she smirks. "I've never woke up before you before" she says like she had thought about it in the brief moments you were asleep while she had nothing to do but watch you.  
  
"That's because you're lazy" you hum turning back to face her as you try not to think of her other hand still resting on your bare hip. She says nothing as her eyes trace over you, and you just know your hair is a wild mess. You never got time to brush it yesterday as she arrived while you were drying it with your towel and was left with little to no choice to brush your hair back with your fingers.  
  
"What?" you question shyly, you can feel your cheeks burning up as your smile grows.  
  
"Have you watched me sleep before?" she questions curiously her fingers twitching against your hip like she was about to sooth it before stopping herself. You have a feeling these random questions are going to keep firing at you, as she learns things she never knew, or maybe did but never thought much of them.  
  
"Yes" You admit looking at her carefully and you wonder if this is the first time Clarke has ever watched you.  
  
"A lot?"  
  
"Sometimes" you admit sucking your bottom lip between your teeth.  
  
"What was you thinking?" She questions placing her head back on the pillow beside you as she squeezes your hip.  
  
"What?" You blush, wondering what kind of question that was. Truthfully you just didn't want to answer it.  
  
"What did you think when you were watching me?" she questions firmly as her smile grows amusingly. She can see your blush you know she's not blind, but she waits patiently for your answer as she nibbles on her own lip, its draws your attention embarrassingly quick.  
  
"I thought" You say nervously pausing as your eyes look in to hers. You have never spoken this was with her before, not when you're this close all cuddles up after waking up with her the morning after kissing, the morning after she tells you she's now single. "I thought that you looked so beautiful, yet so unaware of it" you admit while tracing over the small freckles across her nose as a distraction from blushing. She says nothing as she wraps her arm around you moving it from your hip to snuggle closer, her leg slipping between yours as yours slips between hers. You could actually pass as being moulded together.  
  
"I guess we have a lot to learn about one another huh?" she questions like she's seeing you in a new light for not the first time, but its dawned on her there's so much that neither of you know about one another.  
  
"Yeah" you swallow eyes on her the entire time as you forget about your death breath and bad hair. "I suppose we do" You whisper.  
  
She blinks once, twice before she's leaning closer to capture your lips. You think you could evaporate if she makes you feel any lighter and for just a second you forget about your breath, the mess you look and the things you both soon have to face and lean in closer. You short circuit at the last second with wide eyes covering your mouth.  
"Clarke" You say not wanting her to taste the vile sewage that's happening in your mouth right now. She smile's before she laughs but it doesn't stop her, she takes your hand so slowly allowing her eyes to fall on your lips once more.  
  
"I don't care" she whispers knowing exactly what you are doing.    
  
Her pink wet delicate lips are on yours in seconds and you can do nothing but let it happen because saying no to her is one thing, but turning down those lips you have already felt is something completely different, you're pretty sure it's a impossibility. It's meant to be a quick kiss, a morning kiss, a kiss that made her feel something when you confessed you thought she was beautiful, but as her lips pull back to move away, a second later there back on yours and you can't help but smile because even though she's a little behind compared to you, in the kissing department it seems you're on the same page. Your smile can do nothing but turn in to a grin as she pulls away with a hum of delight.  
  
"We should get up" You whisper  
  
"We should" she agrees but neither of you show any sign from moving from the couch.  
  
\---  
  
You spent the day with her, and your bubble never felt so full in your entire life. You smiled and laughed as you cooked breakfast before brushing your messy hair. Quite quickly you had realised that Clarke has a lot of questions. You were unprepared for the first one last night, and even more so for the second but when she asked the third while jumping on your kitchen counter with a shy smile you already knew she wanted to confirm something she had though about in the eight weeks you had gone. You don't blame her for asking the questions she has, but apart of you feels like you are under a spot light being magnified and that terrifies you, because you still feel like you're not sure the line you can cross and the line you can't.  
  
"What was your thoughts when you first saw me?" she questions and it startles you because you thought she had gone to the toilet while you were getting changed.  
  
"In what way?" you question with a furrow to your brow as you pull on your boots.  
  
"Everyway" She says nervously leaning on your doorframe with a shrug. You find it impossible not to find how shy she goes with each question.  
  
"Um" You think moving over to her to look in to nervous blue eyes. "Honestly, I thought How did Bellamy Blake land you?" You say sadly. It catches you both of guard as you think about the boy you both betrayed, you more so than Clarke. You tried not to think of him purposely because you didn't want to feel anymore guilt than you already did, but his name seems to be around every corner no matter what you do, and you know if you look at your phone there will be a miss call or text.  
  
"Right, Bellamy" she says sadly like she two had forgotten the dark path you have to go down.  
  
"we need to talk about that" you say softly on edge.  
  
"I know" she says looking down to the ground. "Just not right now?" she questions hopefully. "Later?"  
  
"Sure" You nod with a sympathetic smile. "What did you think about me?" You question after growing fed up of the awkward silence.  
  
"What?" she questions a little startled at the rebound not expecting it one bit, and you smirk because now she knows what it feels like.  
  
"What did you think of me when you met me?" You question through your smirk as she shifts next to you. You certainly won't let it go now.  
  
"Don't laugh" she whines rubbing her hands over her face embarrassed and you just can't wait to hear it. "i remember thinking your eyes were out of this world" she laughs while changing a beetroot red. You laugh with her a little because its cute and she never told you. She has told you since how she loves the colour of your eyes but that was casual so that didn't count. "I told Bellamy, I'm surprised he never told you" She cringes and you have the urge to nibble on the bottom lip she grips between her own teeth.  
  
"He didn't" you say softly naturally reaching your hand out to her hip hesitantly, your heart pounds as her reaction is the same as the first time you ever did it. She lets out a heavy breath as she leans in to it closing her eyes as she takes comfort in your touch. You fall in love with her a little more. "Clarke" You say a little softer than normal.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"i really have to go" you say regrettably as you lean in to her little more.  
  
The last thing you want to do is leave the bubble you two have formed. Despite hating her questions every time she fires them at you, you would happily answer them all as long as she's still in your company smiling at you while biting at her bottom lip nervously.  
  
"Me to" she whines "You're lucky you don't have to go to work" she states with a pointed finger and you can do nothing but laugh.  
  
"Will i see you again today?" You question hopefully.  
  
"Maybe" she says looking at you like she doesn't want to leave to start with.  
  
\---  
  
"Well either you got laid or someone died and you're happy about it?" she questions with a smirk. "Which would make you sick by the way" she laughs turning around to grab you a bottle of water because it is far to early for a drink.  
  
"Neither" You laugh rolling your eyes.  
  
"Well somethings happened"  
  
"How can you tell?" you question still amazed and worried at how well she can read you.  
  
"Duh. I'm your therapist" Costia says like its the most obvious thing to man kind. "Spill it" She demands leaning her elbows across the bar.  
  
"I saw Clarke" You say looking shyly down to your bottle before back to Costia.  
  
"Yeah and?" She laughs with widened eyes with more enthusiasm than you've ever seen.  
  
"She broke up with Bellamy" You say first because you think that's the main factor.  
  
"That's good" She says with a gentle smile.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"So what does this mean for the two of you?" She questions curiously. "I mean what's going to happen from here?"  
  
"I don't know. She said she's still figuring things out." You admit with a shrug. Truthfully you hadn't realised how messy it could be until she told you she had split with your best friend. You're not sure what you expected to happen after that, and apart of you didn't really think about it because you never thought it would happen. You had already accepted Clarke would brush you away like It never happened, but now that she hasn't you have no idea what to do. You can't just claim Clarke as your girlfriend because firstly she's not even ready for that never mind if she actually wants it at all. Secondly you haven't even spoken to Bellamy yet and you cant imagine it going good in the slightest. "I think she wants to get to know me more" you admit while pulling your fingers down the condensation around your cold bottle.  
  
"I understand that" Costia nods. "Like dipping her toes in before she dives in" she explains. "She will start noticing things about you that she has never noticed before and probably have a lot of questions" Your smile turns in to a full blown grin because that's already began and Costia just seems to be creeping you out more and more. "but there's still Bellamy, Clarke's feeling won't have just vanished so you still need to talk properly about that"  
  
"I know" you say because it's the biggest elephant in the room you're sure everyone can see it. "She might be coming around later"  
  
"Good" She says "anyway what you doing this Sunday?"  
  
"Bonfire night?" You question as she just looks at you. "Well usually the group all go to watch the fireworks, eat terrible treats while freezing our arse off" You explain. "I'm not sure that will be happening this year"  
  
"Probably not" Costia says knowingly. "Well I'm going, you should come" She grins. "Few friends are joining me and it will be fun"  
  
"I'll think about it"   
  
\---  
  
  
You rang Clarke over two hours ago and she still hadn't called you back. You watched terrible television to try and distract your mind but nothing seemed to work because honestly you had been excited to see her despite her never promising to actually come. You try her one more time before giving up and throwing your phone to the opposite end of the couch with a huff. It's weird how someone can have you so attached so quickly and easily, yet it scares the shit out of you because you know there is nothing official actually happening going on between you. When you were in New York you discovered you hadn't only fallen for Clarke but you had fell completely in love with her, but what scared you more than realising it, was the thought of never getting to tell or, or hear it back.  
Hours passed and the clock struck midnight. She hadn't called you back or even sent you a quick text so reluctantly you fell in to your pillow and tried to forget and ignore your doubts.  
When morning came one of the first things you did was look at your phone only to fall disappointed when there was nothing. You wanted to call her again, make sure she was ok or something but you stopped yourself because you didn't want to seem like a stalker or obsessed. The weirdest think though is, if you never kissed her, and you never confessed you felt something for her, you would have bombarded her phone already making sure she's ok without a second thought.  
When the day goes by and still you hear nothing from Clarke you're struggling to understand why, so therefore your negative thoughts take over and you can do nothing but let it happen.  
  
On day three you've had enough of being alone at home. You pull on your jacket and grab your car keys knowing exactly where you are heading. When you're in the car you have the conversation mapped out, how its going to go, what you want to ask. Really you just want to yell at her for not contacting you back just to settle your mind, but you won't, you just need answers because three days in silence wasn't fair after waking up to whispers and a morning kiss. You feel like you're in a mind game and the jokes on you.  
  
When you walk up to her gallery you naturally look in past the glass to see if she's in there before walking in only to stop in your tracks. You swallow hard because you're not sure what to think, not sure how to react and you certainly know you shouldn't keep watching.  
  
But you do.  
  
You watch as Bellamy stands closely to Clarke reaching out for her desperately. You should look away, stop spying and just get in your car because this isn't your business. Yet you can't no matter how much you scream it at yourself, you remained still your hands tucked in your coat while you chest beats rapidly. They just stand there talking while Bellamy places his hands on Clarke's hips while it looks like they are crying. You wish you could hear but you can't.  
Just as you about to walk away and give them the respect and privacy that they deserve, you pause in your footsteps as Bellamy kisses the woman you love. It doesn't last long and its briefer than you think all your kisses combined, but it hurts, god it hurt.  
It was like a punch to the gut and a kick while your down. You swallow hard looking at the two through the glass one more time before nodding to yourself in acceptance and walking away.  
  
You walk away with a heavy heart, a ache you have never felt before, and for some reason you feel like the smile has been removed from your lips permanently. You promised yourself you wouldn't hurt her, you promised yourself you would walk away if necessary and you promised yourself you would walk away if she doesn't want you.  
   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I love how all of you know there are no updates weekends and you dreaded it :'D  
> hahaha made my day.  
> So here, for all of you because I had so many comments last chapter I give you your peace :)  
> You're very welcome.
> 
> Got to love Friday cliff-hangers though, am I right? :)  
> This is the last weekend chapter you will receive :P

**I can't do this!**

****  
  
When you got home you had no idea what to do with yourself, apart of you just wanted to curl into a small ball and sleep the night away just to be able to forget for a little while and to stop the heavy feel of your heart. It was a strange feeling, like there was a constant gap of pain making you feel so many mixed emotions you aren't even sure which one was coming out on top. You eventually curled up on the couch under a blanket flicking through every terrible channel until you found something at least a little bit bearable. Clarke Griffin was making you feel many things tonight apparently, because not only did you try to watch the program infront of you, you physically found it impossible to shut of your brain to be able to focus on anything but Clarke. You kept trying though, because what else was there to do?  
  
You didn't want to feel sorry for yourself and cry because you put yourself in this position knowing the consequences. You knew things could possibly go the other way and what makes it worse is you expected that all along anyway. So you grit your jaw tightly together as every thought possible of Clarke Griffin over takes you while you try to watch two and a half men. You want to laugh because Alan is so tight and Charlie wants nothing more than his brother to leave, but you just can't. Instead you stare blankly at the screen as you hear the audience laugh when you should be.   
  
You're not sure how many episodes you've watch until someone is knocking on your door. To be honest you're not sure how long the episode has been on that's on right now, you couldn't say if it has just started, near the end or simply in the middle. You stare at the door from your spot wondering who it could be, not that many people came to your flat anyway, but as you hear the knock once more you know.  
  
Is it wrong that you think about not answering? Because you're not sure you can hear her words, hear her tell you she kissed Bellamy Blake and woke up from whatever world she was living in. You are not sure you can even look at her right now either, but strangely your body moves anyway to unlock the door and pull it open. You hate her because she hurt you, because despite you not wanting to see her you still want to just as much, but you hate her more because it is physically impossible to hate her.  
  
"Hi" She says with a growing smile as she looks at you with her soft blue eyes. You don't smile back you don't think you can, but you do notice her clothes are different from earlier and you think your stomach drops at the assumptions your mind seems to haunt you with.  
  
"Hi" you say evenly leaving the door open as you head back to the spot you have reserved on the couch for the last few hours. You don't welcome her in and you don't offer her a drink nor linger around her. You leave her to make up her own mind in what she wants to do as you pull the blanket protectively back over you while trying to get your head straight for the events about to happen. There's two ways you can play this, one being act like you're fine as she stomps on your heart. Two, be yourself. You're not sure which way you're about to go.  
  
"Is everything ok?" she questions closing the door with a tiny frown, before moving to the opposite end of the couch. Only then do you realise the small plastic bag in her hand.  
  
"Fine" You exhale with a frustrated huff. You look at her and you know your eyes are hard, you're waiting for the punch, the big blow and you swallow waiting for her words. "What are you doing here Clarke?" You ask softly but fed up and you watch the blonde frown a little more because she knows you to well. It's like you can see Bellamy kissing her all over again when you look at her lips so you quickly look elsewhere as you swallow the ache.  
  
"I wanted to see you" she says hesitantly and she's looking at you a little confused. "What's wrong?" she questions after a moment.  
  
You're still torn in how to go about this, do you stand your ground tell her you know all, or wait for her to tell you? When you look at her again with blue eyes looking at you in the same soft way they always do you choose.  
  
"Do you think little of me?" you question your jaw clenching stopping yourself from getting upset.  
  
"What?" she questions scooting closer to you on the couch as she reaches for your hand. You move them away from her reach not because you want to hurt her, but because you need to get through this. You have been patient, you gave her space, you respected everything she needed for you to only find her kissing Bellamy. You feel hurt because she got your hopes up, you feel hurt because she's still looking at you right now like nothing happened since the last time you saw her. "no course not" she frowns pulling her hand back. "Why would you think that?" You shake your head as you look down to your hands holding on to one another.  
  
"I just think its best you go" you say because you feel like you want to shout and yell, because she's being so ignorant.  
  
"why?" She questions moving closer on the couch so she's directly infront of you. She lifts your chin up with her fingers so you're looking at her and you can see buried in those blue eyes, she worried and confused and a little frantic when she speaks again. "Speak to me" she pleads her eyes aimlessly looking in your eyes. You curse yourself as you take a moment to take her in, the tiny mole above her lip and her beautiful long lashes.  
  
"You kissed Bellamy"  
  
It slips past your lips so quietly, so broken, but her eyes are on you and yours are on hers. She doesn't flinch, nor move away, her frown grows just a fraction before it vanishes completely, and her eyes study your own expression while looking in to the green eyes she fell in love with when she first saw you.  
"I did" she says and its soft but barely a whisper as she reaches her hand for your cheek for you not to look away. "but it's not what you are thinking" she soothes while shifting herself on the couch so you are both fully facing one another. "My phone broke and he showed up at my gallery" she explains as you stay there silently connecting the dots to her story while you try not to think about how pale and clear her skin is. "he thought I was ignoring him because I hadn't texted him back, so he came around as I was getting ready to close."  
  
"Your phone broke?" you question feeling suddenly relieved she wasn't avoiding you.  
  
"Yeah" she smiles studying your features once more "you though I was ignoring you?" You say nothing because its obvious, how could you not think that? Three days without so much as a text or a phone call, or even a knock on the door like she has done today. "I would never do that to you" she says softly soothing your cheek with her thumb before looking down to your lips wanting to kiss you but she doesn't instead she breathes a heavy breath knocking herself out of it before moving away. "Bellamy kissed me" she explains "I told you I still had a few things to figure out and I was telling the truth" she explains moving her hand from your cheek in hope for your hand. This time you accept and don't flinch away, she squeezes your hand with a gentle smile because this is way better than a minute ago.  
  
"When I split up with Bellamy I told him there was stuff I needed to figure out for myself. I didn't know what that meant for us, because I wasn't entirely sure what I was feeling. I still felt for him of course I did, my feeling don't just vanish it's just they felt pushed aside, like something else was over taking" she explain and your heart flutters because you know she means you. "He gave me my time and space like you did but up until last week he has been reaching out, hoping to reconnect and pick up where we left of. I met him Friday night, the night I left here" You don't realise you are squeezing her hand tightly until she squeezes yours back. "Nothing happened" she says softly and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding as her eyes trace your facial expression carefully until you see the slight tilt of her lip. "I told him in the nicest way possible that I was done, and didn't want to go back to old roots. That's the night I broke my phone by the way" She grins scooting closer just that little bit more. "I wanted to come over after but it was so late and I didn't want to wake you"  
  
"I wouldn't have minded" you find your voice and its actually sad how quickly she makes you want her all over again.  
  
"I know" she hums blue eyes sparkling. "Bellamy came to my gallery today he was upset, so I got upset and it was just a big messy blur, he really wants to try make it work but I just can't do that" she says sadly while soothing the back of your hand. "The kiss was kind of finalising it, I guess" Clarke says her gaze dropping down as she thought about it.  
  
"So you're not getting back with Bellamy?" You question still unsure but needing to hear the actual words leave her mouth  
  
"No" She says softly as she looks back at you with amusement buried behind her eyes  
  
"I haven't heard from you since you left here"  
  
"I know" She says sadly. "I'm so sorry there's no excuse. I just got so busy with work yesterday I had a new artist coming in to show me her works, I did tell you the night before"  
  
"You did?" you question with a frown.  
  
"Yeah?" She smirks "Were you listening to anything I said?" she teases watching as your face is still set in confusion.  
  
In honestly you don't remember her ever saying anything, but there is a huge possibility that you could have zoned in and out as you tried not to think about her lips while they were moving. Ok, possibility isn't the right word it appears you zoned out completely.  
  
"Yeah" you quickly say hiding all evidence of being caught.  
  
"Right" She laughs squeezing your hand. "Do you still want me to go?" she questions hesitantly.  
  
"No" you say immediately holding on to her hand.  
  
"Good" she hums leaning closer. "Because I've been dyeing to see you" she blushes. "I rushed home got changed, my new phone had been delivered but i just wanted to see you" she confesses bringing the bag to her lap to reveal her perfectly sealed phone. "Is that lame?" she questions nervously.  
  
You stare at her for a moment and for a minute you feel sick of the emotional rollercoaster you appear to be on. One minute you were angry because she hadn't got in touch, next you were nervous yet excited to see her, which quickly changed to the worst feeling you have ever felt as you watched Bellamy kiss her and get the wrong end of the stick, while being surprisingly surprised and so happy she is here to clear it up with a cute blush to her cheeks. You lean forward on your knees and bring your lips silently together, because your heart is beating wild again, your smile is back and she is here looking cute and adorable while she tells you her and Bellamy are done for good while she couldn't wait a few minutes longer to set up her phone to see you. You just love her.  
  
"Lex" she whispers eyes flickering open for a brief second.  
  
"Let me just kiss you for a while" you plead closing the gap once more. You need this. You need to taste her, to feel her, to hear her whimper in your mouth so deliciously. You don't know you have pushed her back until she's snaking her arms around your neck kissing you back with so much passion you feel like you want to explode. You nip and suck until her breath is heavy on your lips before your tongue dominates hers. Claiming her and removing all trace of Bellamy Blake.  
  
"I'm sorry i scared you" She whispers after your lips barely part. She can feel your fear you know that as your eyes flicker open and she's looking at apologetic. You nod because you can't hide it, not from her and you're not sure you ever want to, one of the best things you like about Clarke is how she pays close attention, how she can read you like its her own mind. Yet as you look in to blue eyes and the dreaded feeling in your chest long gone you forget it happened because she's holding you like she never wants to let you go, and looking at you in away you know she wants to kiss you again.  
  
"Let's set your phone up" you whisper with amused smile, you never want this to happen again.  
  
"We should" She agrees with a little laugh but her arms refusing to remove from around your neck. It's the first time you have been in this position and she looks more beautiful than ever before. "Maybe we should talk about Bellamy first?" she question a little nervous "I just want to enjoy the night with you, so i think it would be better to get it out the way?"  
  
"Ok" You agree leaning down to kiss her once more, your not sure if its his name that has you on edge, or the fact you're not sure where this conversation can go.


	16. Chapter 16

** I Can't do this! **

 

You never thought you would dread a conversation when Bellamy Blake's name would be mentioned, then again you never thought you would be such a bitch to kiss his girlfriend and appear to steal her away either so I guess you're seeing things for the first time. You breathe a heavy breath as you clutch a pillow to your chest to face Clarke. You had put space between the both of you, figuring it would be the best option but all you want to do is have her close as you watch her lean on the other arm rest while her feet meet yours in the middle.  
  
"Where do we start?" You question unsure as you look to her fluffy socks before back up to blue eyes.  
  
"From the beginning I guess" Clarke says softly before moving her feet to sooth over yours.  
  
"Where's that exactly?"  
  
"When you left." Clarke says looking at you nervously. "I told you I realised a lot, and I did" she explains looking down to your tangled feet to explain further. "When you first left I felt lost. I still went home to Bellamy, we still spoke the same, and we still slept in the same bed. Everything was suppose to go back to normal, well so I thought. I told myself it was just something new and exciting. I told myself that it was just because mine and Bellamys relationship had grown boring and the same stuff everyday. I told myself everything" Clarke confesses looking back up to you. "Only when I went to bed at night and laid by his side, I started thinking about laying next to you. It was weird at first, and confusing that I just kept shaking it off, until it go to the point I couldn't anymore" She admits as she begins fiddling with a loose string from her ripped jeans. "One night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about you, when you kissed me for the first time and how I reacted. I started thinking what it would have been like if I kissed you back, how would it have ended? Everything just seemed to be flying at me, thought after thought and it just got so much I got out of bed and went downstairs"  
  
You remain quiet as you take comfort in her feet soothing over yours while making sure you listen to every word instead of zoning out.  
  
"If someone would have walked in to the kitchen at two in the morning they would have seen me and thought I was going nutty" she smirks finally looking at you with a sense of bravery. "I was pacing the kitchen in my dressing gown talking to myself" she admits rolling her eyes.  
  
"What were you saying?" you question before sucking your bottom lip in to your mouth.  
  
"I wanted to ring you. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind and all that was left was you" she admits with a nervous smile. "I was trying to talk myself up to ring you, but it was late and eventually I reasoned with myself that I really shouldn't we had agreed we needed the space so I ended up sleeping on the couch thinking about everything. I realised that night it wasn't fair on Bellamy anymore" She says sadly. "When he came home the following day I had already packed a bag" She confesses as you swallow thinking of your best friend coming home to his girlfriend already packed and ready to leave, you ached for him and it only made you feel worse about the whole thing.  
  
"What did you say?" you question your voice a little broken as your gaze shifts to your knee. You know if you think about Bellamy it will only make you feel worse, but you can't help it. He may not be the best looking boy out there, but his personality was one of the best you have ever came across, he always meant well and he would do anything for the people he loved, you have no idea what you're going to say to him.  
  
"I told him it wasn't working for me anymore, and that I needed to figure stuff out for myself" Clarke admits. "I didn't want to tell him what had happened between us because, I realised that wasn't the only reason why I was doing it. You may have kissed me and started things of but I guess I realised I wasn't in love with him like I thought I was" She admits with a furrow to her brow. "Does that make sense?" she questions looking at you hopefully.  
  
"Yeah" You say softly soothing your foot over hers to give her some comfort no matter how small it is.  
  
"He gave me space despite the odd text here and there asking if I'm ok and telling me he missed me" Clarke admits "but the more time I spent away from him, the less I missed him. Yet the longer you were away I missed you more. I guess its why i went Crazy when you disappeared to new York the first time without a word" she admits causing you to look up at her. You had never mention her having thought about you before you kissed her so this came as a surprise that quickly caught your attention.  
  
"What?" You question with a furrow to your brow and Clarke can't help herself but roll her eyes as she smile at you.  
  
"Lets stay on topic" she grins. "Octavia has been none stop on my back, I've actually avoided her as much as possible because she simply doesn't understand it and keeps telling me to stop being stupid"  
  
"Have you told anyone about bein-"  
  
"Bisexual?" Clarke finishes for you with a smile as you Clear your throat, you have no idea why you're being so weird.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"I have. I spoke to Costia actually" Clarke says catching your attention for a whole other reason again.  
  
"What? Costia? When?" You question with your own furrow to your brow.  
  
"I bumped in to her in the coffee shop one night" Clarke explains as you lean forward. "i asked if she wanted to join me and we had a chat. It was nice actually, to be able to talk to someone who wasn't you who already knew they liked women" Clarke admits "She made me see things a little different and told me to follow my heart not my head, because your head can change its mind from minute to minute where as your heart will either be in it or not" Clarke says softly.  
  
"Wait. You bumped in to Costia like four weeks ago in the coffee shop?" Lexa questioned wondering if it was the same time Costia had told you she had a brief encounter with Clarke before leaving or if they had bumped in to one another since.  
  
"Yeah about then" Clarke says with a furrow to her brow. "Why?"  
  
"She told me she didn't stay and talk it was just brief. The little bloody liar" You declare ready to yell at her for not telling you.  
  
"Well if it helps, she helped me a lot" Clarke says softly finally moving from the opposite side of the couch and closer to you while throwing your legs over her lap. "What do we tell Bellamy?" Clarke questions more seriously as her hands begin soothing patterns over your pyjama covered legs. You look in to her blue eyes for a moment unsure yourself, because you haven't got a label either.  
  
"What does this mean for us?" You questions carefully. You don't want to push but you can't determine what you tell Bellamy until you know.  
  
"I don't want to stop spending time with you" she says hoping you understand but you need more than that. "I can't promise you anything but, i can tell you i think about you more than anyone" she hums quieter than before. "and you scare the hell out of me" She admits. "i want to see how it goes" As she reaches for your hand you watch her blue eyes look at your fingers before sliding hers between yours and holding on tight. "I like you, a lot. I'm not at your stage yet though, I've just about accepted it myself and i know there's so much still to deal with, i don't want to disappoint you"  
  
"You won't" You hum leaning forward and pulling your legs beneath you. "i understand. I just needed to know what this means for us, because Bellamys going to have questions and i wont have the answers"  
  
"What if we didn't tell Bellamy?" Clarke asks cautiously. "we did wrong i know that, but it's just going to hurt him. I know its what pushed me to breaking up with him but there was also other factors"  
  
"He deserves the truth" you say because he does. You have no idea how you will tell him but you know you should be the one to because your the one he trust, the one he never expected to hurt him in such away because he saw you as more of a baby sister instead of a best friend.  
  
"I know. I should be the one to tell him."  
  
"i want to if that's ok?" You question as she looks at you hesitantly.  "  
  
"If that's what you want" Clarke says placing her hand over your cheek and pulling you from your thought until you're looking in to light gorgeous blue eyes. She doesn't say anything as her eyes take you in, like she's memorizing every inch of your face until she has it in memory. "Can i ask you something?" She questions eyes connecting with your once more as you nod waiting for a question she has been dying to ask. "Did you ever get the impression i felt something for you before you kissed me?" She questions taking in your facial expression as it changes from one second to the next.  
  
"Briefly" You admit pulling her closer. This is why you sat opposite ends of the couch, because you can't stop touching her. She smells so good all the time and those blue eyes and delicate lips are enough to make you forget the difficult conversation you were having only seconds ago. You swallow as you watch her eyes light up waiting for you to continue, waiting for you to reveal your idiotic time when you thought she might feel the same. Her fingers drift down from your cheek down to your neck and you all but forget to breath as her fingers spread across your hot skin, only growing hotter by the second. You look at her with a dry mouth and nothing to say while she knows exactly what she's doing to you but continuing anyway never removing her gaze from you for a second. "Clarke" You breathe feeling her fingers smoothly trace down your neck and across your collarbone until she's pushing your hair aside.  
  
"Yeah?" she questions eyes bright with that teasing smile.  
  
"Stop" You croak shaking your head as she smirks even wider. You take her hand in yours removing the distraction before shaking your head at her. "That was on purpose"  
  
"Sorry" she smiles proudly still unable to keep her hands of you as she fiddles nervously with the end of your hair. "It's weird seeing the effect i have on you" she says shyly. "i really like it" You laugh a little because she's just a adorable mess like you and you only realise it now.  
  
"I like it two" you smirk "but do you want me to answer your question or not?" you tease.  
  
"Yes. Sorry" she whispers eyes dropping to your lips before back again.  
  
"It was at Octavia's Michael Jackson party" You admit remembering it like it was yesterday. "You're always touchy feely, but there was something different about that night, i felt like you were watching me all night and you told me i looked sexy" You say embarrassingly closing your eyes because you sound so stupid saying it out loud. "I know it's stupid" you brush of "but it just felt different to me, especially when the night came to a end and we stayed up talking, i just felt like you didn't let me out your sight or let me go all night" You shrug brushing it of because it doesn't matter anymore, on some level even if it wasn't that night you still got the girl by your side tonight struggling to keep her hands of you.  
  
"You didn't imagen things" Clarke whispers so quietly as she brings your lips closer together tracing them with her eyes. "I couldn't keep my eyes of you that night" she confesses biting her lip and catching your attention fully, you have told her to stop doing that. She obviously didn't listen. "You looked sexy and hot" she whispers before biting her lip even harder while you get hotter. "i didn't think anything of it at the time though" she confesses bringing your forehead to rest on hers as she aches for your lips. She looks hypnotised and like Clarke, you're not sure you can ever get use to it either, you're not even kissing her yet but she looks so frustrated at the thought with her eyes drawn heavy down and her lip dropping open ready to capture yours.  
  
"Stay" You blurt out.  
  
"What?" she frowns eyes flickering to yours for a brief second.  
  
"Stay tonight" you whisper. "You can sleep in the spare room if you want, Just stay" You plead because you just saw her again and you're not ready for her to leave, not when she's this close and sexy while smelling of perfume.  
  
"Ok" She whispers with a soft smile and you can't help but smile too before you capture her lips.  
  


It hasn't been long since you last kissed but for you it already feels like forever. You fall into one another messily as you shift on the couch pulling her closer until she's straddling you while she smiles against your lips as neither of you wanted to part despite it being easier.   
"Shut up" you mutter smiling yourself before kissing her again not wanting to waste any more time. She hasn't said anything but you know she wants to tease you as your new want for her is so new to her, but you're sure she loses herself in these kisses just as bad as you.

You push and pull, suck and nip until both of you are breathless tangled in a hot mess of one another. Your hand is buried beneath her blonde locks while hers is most defiantly creeping up your top burning your skin on the way.   
"Clarke" you moan. Your body going crazy as her hand stops below your bra line. You're kissing her again before you can even breathe because apparently she's driving you crazy and your body wants nothing but her. You grip on to her locks pulling her deeper until she's whining in your mouth and gripping at your rips like she's wants more to.

"We should slow down" Clarke barely mumbles between kisses. She's breathless and hot and in no way showing she really want to stop at all, with her flushed cheeks and lips still hungrily catching yours.

"Yeah" you breathe kissing her back. "Slow down" you whisper while pulling her hips in to you. It takes a moment for both of you to slow your kissing until you eventually stop resting and your foreheads against one another's. You feel dizzy and hot when you open your eyes watching Clarke panting for breath with heavy lidded eyes fully focused on your swollen lips.

"How do you do that every time?" She whispers as hers hand comes to rest on your cheek as she traces your wet bottom lip with her finger.

"Do what?" You swallow holding her tighter because if she keeps doing these things and looking at you like that you're not sure you will be able to slow next time.

"Make me tremble" she confesses in a whisper her eyes finally looking up to look in to your eyes. "Weak" she explains.

You don't answer because you have no idea. Instead you nuzzle closer to her as you enjoy your own stomach drop.

"Bed?" She mutters after a moment of holding and looking at one another. You nod wordlessly as you peck her lips as she climbs of you and takes your hand and leads you down the hall.

"Well i guess this is me" she grins cheekily as she stops outside the spare room. You look at the closed door wondering if she's serious while Clarke's smile grows even wider.

"You don't have to sleep in here" you stutter.

"No? Where would i sleep then?" She teases and you do nothing but squeeze her hand.

"With me" you say seriously. In all honesty Clarke had never slept anywhere but in your bed in this apartment. She was always the slowest to claim things, not that you're complaining.

"Slow" she grins stepping closer to kiss your lips before she backs away in to the spare room. "Good night Lexa woods" she hums biting her lip.

"Good night Clarke Griffin" you beam as you watch her disappear and close the door.

You fall helplessly in to your own bed with a very childish whine even if the smile wont leave your lips for even a second. You fall asleep thinking of her only a room away and know you have to tell Bellamy as soon as possible.

Tomorrow you tell yourself.

Tomorrow.

 

  
  
  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**I can't do this!**

 

Apparently keeping your lips of Clarke's was one of the most challenging things you have ever done. The moment your eyes blinked open your thoughts were on her sleeping just a room away. You wanted to knock on her door, ask her if she wants breakfast or coffee, you wanted to hear her ask all the questions you have began to hate as you blush a shade redder. You wanted it to be the weekend so neither of you had to go anywhere, but it wasn't so instead of knocking on her door you tiptoed around your room silently getting ready for work. When you finally decided you looked presentable enough to work in a law firm you stepped out your room and headed for the kitchen only to be pleasantly surprised to see Clarke already at the breakfast table chewing through toast as she sings to the radio quietly. Your smile grows instantly and you're embarrassingly aware of it too. Despite being rather close with Clarke already for the better part of a year, you had never seen this side yet. Sure you had woken up with her hungover as hell as she nurses her head in her hands while you do everything you can to help, and sure you have seen her wake in her own home but Bellamy was there and she certainly wasn't kissing you the night before while confessing she likes you more than you think.  
  
"Morning" you hum and its the sweetest you have ever heard your own voice. You want to cringe or take it back but you can't stop smiling and already you want to kiss her as blue eyes look up with her own adorable smile.  
  
"Morning" She grins before continuing to chew through her toast. She covers a hand over her mouth before speaking again, and strangely you wish she wouldn't. "How'd you sleep?" she questions finally moving her hand as you watch her swallow. She smiling again and apparently so are you because its contagious.  
  
"Good" You lie and you know she reads right through it when she smirks with sparkling blue eyes, you guess she found it difficult two being only a room away. Anyone would think you've been dating for months and you're in the honey moon stage, not just finally voicing how you feel while sharing separate beds.  
  
"Me to" She says amusingly as you step closer in to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of coffee that Clarke has already brewed.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" Clarke questions spinning around on her chair to face you and you can't help but let out a amused breath with a small laugh as you turn to face her. You have barely seen her for five minutes and she's already rolling.  
  
"Only if I can ask you one?"  
  
"Deal" She smirks as you watch her eyes study your outfit before looking back up to you. "When you came home from New York what did you expect to find or to have changed?" She questions chewing on the bottom of her lip but you can tell by the way she's looking at you she's thought about this more than once, what you expected from her, and how you assumed things would go once you gave her the space she needed.  
  
"Well" You pausing looking in to your coffee wondering if you should be completely honest, because clearly you couldn't have been further from the truth.  
  
"I don't think you will find a answer in there" she teases with a raised brow noticing your hesitation.  
  
"Shut up" you smile before taking a mouthful of some much needed caffeine. "I guess I just though nothing would change at all" you admit flickering your eyes back to blue eyes who seems to be watching you more intently with a quizzing look. "I thought after time away, you would realise it was just a moment thing, that you would stay with Bellamy and brush me of like it was a quick phase or curiosity" You admit. "I still hoped for different though"  
  
"Do you still think I'm just curious?" she questions after a brief moment of silence. You watch her climb of her chair and walk closer to you, and you can do nothing but grip the coffee mug tighter as she invades all your senses.  
  
"no" You breathe eyes looking in to blue eyes before there flickering to her lips. You still think your dreaming and apart of you wants to say you really hope not, but there's still that possibility that she isn't exactly sure what she wants yet, you just know she's feelings all these new desires and she's going with the flow. You swallow as she studies your face trying to read what your feeling from what you're actually saying, you feel hot and nervous because you know she's good at it and you don't want to hurt her feelings by saying your still scared that it could be.  
  
"It's not curiosity" She tells you softly but with  firmness behind her voice. "Trust me" She pleads eyes aimlessly looking in yours as you look in to hers. She seems so certain and sure and you feel like she's not saying something.  
  
"How can you be so sure?" you question and your voice sounds so croaky it sounds like you just this second woke up. You swallow it away as it seems your having a stare of so close and intense, yet you never want it to stop. She reaches out and places her hand on your hip and you bask in her warmth resisting the shudder that feels ready to run down your spine because you don't think you will ever get use to her intimate touches and the look behind those blue eyes.  
  
"Because I think I've thought about you before you kissed me" She confesses.  
  
It like a bomb goes of in your head and your unable to stop your eyes from widening before zeroing in on her as they aimlessly search her face for any hint of a joke.  
  
"What do you mean?" you frown as she squeezes your hip gently.  
  
"I mean that, when you were away I had time to think everything over" she breathes out with a harsh swallow. She looks a little scared and nervous, but you don't question it instead you place your coffee mug down and hope you give her the courage she needs to carry on. "I don't think this is the first time I've thought about you differently" Clarke admits looking to the ground before reaching for your hand hanging by your side. "I didn't realise it at the time of course, but when I think back on it it makes sense. Like for example when you said about the Michael Jackson party, you felt my eyes were on you all night. Well, they were" She shrugs with a frustrated huff. You want to tell her it doesn't matter, that she don't need to say everything right now, but you don't think you can wait to hear this, so you stay quiet and listen squeezing her hand to carry on. "At the time I didn't know obviously I just was aware I was doing it, but had excuses for things like your my best friend, and you looked really good and the dance just" she smiles. "You were really good at that two" she settles with but you know she wants to laugh thinking about it despite knowing how good you know thriller. "I guess it wasn't the only time and the more I thought about it, the more I realised I shouldn't have been as shocked as I was when you first kissed me" She explains with a gentle smile. "I didn't think about sleeping with you or anything to obvious that screamed I fancy my best friend, but there was just little hints" She explains.  
  
You stare at her quietly because you wasn't prepared to hear that and you honestly think you could possibly be dead right now, only the pounding against your ribs tells you different as you stare at her dumfounded. You want to wrap her in a ball and hide her away because nothing had you prepared for Clarke Griffin. She may be scared even unsure at time but the one thing you can always rely on Clarke for is the god Honest truth, she isn't scared of it like you, or most people in the world and you were aware of that way before this very moment but still it shocks you and you can't help but lean forward and capture her lips because maybe, just maybe she isn't just curious.  
  
"What was that for?" She breathes you lip barely apart from hers as her eyes stay closed and her body stays close.  
  
"Everything" you find yourself breathing as her smile grows in the sweetest of ways. You kiss her again because you can't stop yourself and because you can. She smiles as she leans in to your body pressed against the kitchen side, you forget about the coffee you need to drink to keep you awake for the day, you forget the time ticking in the living room telling you you're going to be so late for work as her tounge brushes against yours. You forget your early meeting with a important client as she runs her fingers through your hair messing the neat curls up you just put effort in to. You forget everything because nothing worth thinking about while you have Clarke Griffin telling you she thinks she liked you a while ago while her tongue pushes yours in away that screams she's getting turned on.  
  
\--  
  
Your day is distracted and taken away from you because of her confessions and her kisses she's just so dam good at. You got yelled at the moment you showed up for work looking like you just had rushed sex in the elevator but you struggle to care as you tuck your hair behind your ear while still thinking of those lips. You had planned to go and speak to Bellamy today after work, to tell him the betrayal and pain you have caused him without even knowing. You're nervous as hell but you refuse to lie to him anymore, you are aware you broke every code in the non existent book and apart of you isn't sure how he will react. Bellamy's never been aggressive, he stands his ground of course and he is extremely protective of loved ones but then again no one he has trusted and loved has ever gone for the woman he loves. You think about it all day when ever you're not thinking about Clarke's lips and her sinful moans, or the way you woke to see her in the kitchen chewing on toast. You resist smiling about it because right now you know you shouldn't not when the worst part needs to be done, and you know it won't end there.  
  
You forget all train of though when Clarke shows up in your office on your lunch break with a bag of food on your desk while taking ownership of the big chair. You love that sight, and god have you missed it, you don't really realise how much though until she's dominating it again with her smirk telling you she isn't moving and you can sit in the small chair opposite the desk. You do of course, and at some point you move the chair around the desk closer to her as she asks more questions while chewing through her own lunch. You forget about Bellamy Blake for a while longer and when she leaves she takes up texting you.  
  
Everything feels like before yet completely different. She use to show up in your office more often than not. She use to text you all day everyday to the point you had to tell her you're now going to sleep. The only different now is, there's a lightness in your chest with a heavy guilt too. You can kiss her when you please because she wants to spend time with you much like you do her, only your still betraying a friend in the process. It's all wrong but yet feels right. You had decided to talk to Bellamy after work, show up at his home and tell him everything, but when Clarke texted you she will come around after work you forgot about your best friend again only to remember a while later when you were making a cup of coffee for yourself and Clarke. Maybe its because the coffee maker was your new house warming present from him, he had laughed and joked that you would rather die without your morning coffee, plus you could be a bitch through out the day so he saved himself and his friends of your monster within. You had laughed rolled your eyes and slapped him telling him not to be so dramatic. You tear the coffee with a sad smile because you know already Bellamy and you will share no more memories which only makes you think of them more. You're not surprised when Clarke notices something wrong, and you resist a while longer before telling her. You tell her your fears and how you feel, before telling her a few memories about Bellamy she didn't know.  
  
You feel your eyes water as you laugh in to a memory when you had sprained your ankle one night while out. Bellamy had called you a doughnut with a laugh before pulling your heels of and telling you to jump on his back. At first you had objected and told him you're are not getting on his back, but then he grabbed you bridal style anyway and carried you the whole way home until your feet touched the warmth of your own home. You remember it like it was yesterday, because he was out of breath and you wasn't the smallest person in the world, you watched him struggle and shift you in his arms, but still he refused to put your feet back on the cold winter ground so he fort through it like a champ.  
  
You fell asleep thinking of Bellamy Blake knowing tomorrow your beautiful friendship will come to a end for what you've done. You don't blame him and you can't imagen how it will hurt him, but you plan your speech anyway telling him how much you love him, how you will do anything to fix this, but you already know there's nothing.  
  
**Clarke: You sure you don't want me to come? x**  
  
You read the text as you take a nervous breath and tuck the phone back away. You need to do this alone, you owe him that much. Yesterday you told yourself no more distractions as you fell asleep with his ex girlfriend by your side. You told yourself you will take what ever he throws at you because no excuses will ever excuse this. You swallow once, twice and then you're raising you hand to knock on Bellamy Blake's door.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**I can't do this!**

 

"Lexa's here!" Octavia shouts through the house as she passes you. "he's in the kitchen. Bye" she says quickly and then she's disappearing down the drive.   
  
"Bye" You mumble pointlessly because she's already gone and you have grew more nervous in milliseconds. You take one more breath before passing the threshold and walking in to the familiar warmth you do every Wednesday. You try your best to ignore the photos that are dotted on the walls because you know in most of them you are standing by Bellamys side while he try's to annoy you just before the photo gets snapped. You will never admit it to him but you never did get annoyed you actually enjoyed his efforts and ended up laughing while shoving his hand out your face of something, more importantly you loved that the photo's looked natural instead of staged, it was real memories of smiling, not say cheese because there's a camera in your face.  
  
"and I thought I was hearing things" he says as you approach the kitchen. He's already looking at you confused and a little annoyed. You don't blame him, you ignored him for the two months you were away other than the odd text telling him you're busy while he tried ringing you. You give him a soft smile because at the moment you wish he was hearing things and seeing things for that matter as your heart pounds in your chest.  
  
"Hi" you say weakly as you cross your arms over your chest while squeezing your car key in your hand.  
  
"What's going on with you?" he questions throwing the tea towel on the kitchen counter after drying his hands. "First you dodge all my calls, which I can understand you're working but you couldn't spare five minutes just to talk?" he questions. You do nothing but listen as you see the pain behind his eyes, although you're not sure if its because of you or for the heart ache you know he feels. "but then you get home and you don't even tell me, and still ignore me anyway" he says defeated with narrowed eyes. "Do you even no what's been going on?" he questions and still you say nothing. You stare at him in a daydream because you're a awful person. It's one thing thinking about how Bellamy must be, how he must be feeling, but it was a different thing entirely seeing it first hand. You know Bellamy, he's a quiet person, he keeps himself to his self just like you, you don't give to much away, just little hints here and there, that's how you know Bellamys hurting because he's talking and trying to make sense of it all. You stare at him sadly as he waits for you to answer but you don't because you know he's talking about Clarke, and in just a few moments he's going to learn the horrible truth.  
  
"Clarke left me" he says after you leave him in silence. His voice sounds drained and you can't look at him, instead you swallow as you look to the ground because your heart aches for him in away you didn't think possible, the worst part is despite what Clarke says you know its because of you. "and I have no idea why" he says drooping against the kitchen counter looking down to the ground himself. "I needed my best friend" he says after a moment before looking up to you again.  
  
For the first time you look up in to his dark brown eyes and you see the sadness, the heart ache, the confusion, he even looks a little lost as he holds back tears he will never let fall infront of you. You imagine him telling you his a man and men do not cry, in his butch voice like he's trying to growl but instead of laughing and rolling eyes like you had done a thousand time's you want to tell him its ok to be sad, but you don't you stand rooted to the spot as you squeeze the key in your hand even harder feelings every sharp curve dig in to your skin.  
  
"Bellamy" You breathe trying to stand properly instead of slouched against the door frame. "There's something I need to tell you" you swallow eyes flickering around the room pathetically before landing back on the boy who would have done anything for you. His eyes are narrowed as he looks you up and down before frowning even further.  
  
"You don't seem surprised" He says stopping you from speaking.  
  
"What?"  
  
"you knew already" he states instead of questions.  
  
"yeah" you breathe because there's no use in lying. You watch those words cut through him because you knew and you didn't call, you knew and you didn't care enough to make sure he was ok, you knew and you failed him as his best friend. You watch him bite his tongue as he goes to say something before stopping himself and you certainly won't ask him to continue, because what ever he's thinking now, you know is going to be a hell of a lot worse in a couple of minutes. "Bell" you breath coming further in to the kitchen to stand infront of him with a bit of distance. "There's something I need to tell you and there's no easy way to say it" You cringe at your own words because they sound so heartless and not thought through but really there is no way you can put It any better.  
  
"What?" he questions. He looks more concerned for you than he does for himself.  
  
"I.." You stutter you feel every inch of your body shaking as you rub your arm nervously over your leather jacket.   
  
"Lexa" he says nervously yet impatient.  
  
"I kissed Clarke"You say so quietly but for that brief second you're looking in his eyes because you need him to know, but not a second later your eyes are on the ground because you're ashamed of what you have done, ashamed because who you have done it to. The silence lingers and you're not sure you can manage to look up, because apart of you is scared of what you'll see. Since you met Bellamy, you've never hurt him if anything you had became one another's protectors.  
  
"What?" You close your eyes at the sound of his voice because it seems so distant and cold and you are not use to that, even when you walked through these doors moments ago with him pissed at you for ignoring him there was no coldness only confusion and a hint of annoyance.  
  
"I'm so sorry" You breathe shaking your head but like the coward you are your eyes remain down, you feel your eyes fill up but like Bellamy you won't let them fall, not infront of him, not yet because you haven't explained anything yet. "I never meant for any of this to happen"  
  
"What do you mean you kissed Clarke?" He questions more firmly You bite your lip stopping yourself from getting upset as you shake your head. How the hell do you explain this? "Lexa!" he snaps slamming his hands on the kitchen counter growing more impatient. "What do you mean you kissed Clarke?" he snaps as you finally give him the decency he deserves and look at him. His eyes aimlessly look at you as he searches for a answer waiting for you to speak but patience growing thinner by the second.  
  
  
"I kissed her" You say simply because there's no other way to explain it. "Three months ago" You explain. He narrows his eyes at you as he works it out in head wondering what both of you have done since then and now.   
  
"How could y-" He stutters struggling to get his words out as he looks at you with so much distance. "What do you me-" Shaking his head he turns away from you and rest his hands on the kitchen counter and you can tell by the bones in his fingers and the knuckles under his skin his tensing. It's uncomfortably silent and you have no idea what to do, in all honesty you didn't plan on what you were going to say because you knew it would probably take a different route anyway.   
  
"Bellamy" You say softly stepping closer.   
  
"Don't" he orders turning around and looking at your hand in disgust before it could touch him. "How could you do that?" he questions with the sharpest bite you have ever heard. You retract your hand so fast you feel like you have been electrocuted. You allow the silence to fall around you again because there's nothing good that can come from your mouth, but you also can't just leave not yet. You watch him pace the kitchen as his jaw tenses and that vain on his forehead you tease him about comes to life.   
  
"Why are you telling me this?" he finally questions and it almost startles you because the silence was deafening.   
  
"Because I don't want to lie  to you anymore" you explain looking away from the wall you are sure you have bore a hole in to.   
  
"Is that wh-" he stops looking to the ground before looking at you with gritted teeth. "Is that why she left?" he questions with furrowed brows. He has never looked at you discussed before but for the first time he manages to make your skin crawl as he eyes you with so much betrayal.   
  
"I don't know" You say bowing your head again uncomfortably. It's not a lie because Clarke had said there were other factors but you kissed her was certainly a major.   
  
"Has something more happened between you?" He questions and this is the question you are dreading because now you have to tell him that you didn't only betray him once but you repeated it, you didn't feel guilty enough the first time so you dipped back in for some more. You close your eyes and take a breath thinking of blue eyes looking at you the way you have grew to love before opening them to face your demons.   
  
"We have kissed more than once" you explain and you watch him flinch at the confession as his anger grows.   
  
"I don't want to hear it!" he snaps holding his hand up for you to stop as he turns and stares outside the kitchen window. You give him the silence he needs as you squeeze your key even tighter as you watch his breathing become more erratic judging by the way his shoulders rise and fall. "Tell me" he order after a few minutes and he doesn't turn to look at you for even a second, you're not sure he even can. "Tell me everything"   
  
Despite your better judgement you find yourself nodding and before you know it you're telling him you kissed her for the first time in your office but she left you alone and didn't speak with you for a week. You tell him you didn't mean for it to happen but he brushes that of as you continue to tell him she kissed you back weeks later. You tell him why you left for New York the first time and second and you watch him take it all in cutting him left right and centre but he deserved the truth and you had promised no more lies.   
  
"I Looked at you like my sister" he says turning around and for the first time you see tears in Bellamy Blakes eyes as he swallows more harshly than ever. You're belly coils at your own actions because you never wanted to bring him to his knee's, you always was the one disgusted in people's actions and could never understand how someone could do this to another, but now you realise its easier said than done.   
  
"I love you Bell" Your voice breaks as you step closer but he holds his hands up for you to stop. "I know you don't believe me" you sniff " I can't do anything to make this right, god I'm such a idiot" you cry because no matter how well put together you are, and no matter how much you knew you would lose your best friend it never felt quite so real until now as he stands infront of you a broken betrayed man.   
  
"Do you love her?" he questions stopping you from talking. It catches you of guard and your watery eyes widen as you look in to brown eyes.   
  
"Does it matter?" You question wiping your cheek. It's answer enough and he nods his head in acknowledgement.   
  
"Get out of my house" He says turning his back on you.   
  
"I'm so sorry" You plead moving closer with out permission.   
  
"Get out of my house Lexa or so help me god!" he snaps slamming his hands aggressively on the kitchen table startling you. You stand there for a moment pleading him with your eyes not to send you away but you know by his own he needs you too. You have just told him you are in love with the woman he is, you kissed the woman while she was his. Your best friend.   
  
"Please" he pleads more weakly and he lets his eyes full closed.   
  
You nod at him as you wipe your eyes free of tears sniffling your nose and hoping you have done a good job at putting yourself together. You know you have failed because your eyes feel sore and puffy and its always obvious when you have been crying, you raise your chin anyway and look at him one last time before you leave his home, and this time you looked at all the pictures on the wall on the way out. You're not ashamed to admit when you climbed in your car you didn't drive away immediately, instead you cried and got angry at yourself as you hit the steering wheel.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some interesting stuff is about to happen next :P 
> 
> intro.... Octavia! :D


	19. Chapter 19

**I can't do this!**

 

When you get home your eyes are sore and puffy, you barely have any energy to stand straight and you feel so surprisingly numb. Only as you pull your apartment key from your pocket you look up to see Clarke leaning against your door waiting for you. Your feet still as you look at her with a sad smile, you didn't expect her here but you should have, and these are all the little things about her you are sure you fell in love with, you didn't have to ever tell her when you would need her, she would just know. Her blue eyes are cast down as she smiles back at you cautiously and finally you take those final steps to your front door.   
  
"Hey" she hums softly giving you another sad smile as she takes in the redness beneath your eyes. She doesn't ask for a hug she just gives you one and somehow its exactly what you needed as you hold her back just as tight as you close your eyes. You have never cried infront of her before but you feel your tears falling again so easily in the comfort of her arms and all she does it squeeze you even tighter.   
  
"Sorry" you mumble in to her neck and she shakes her head not willing to listen to any of your nonsense as you pull away wiping your tears free from your face.   
  
"Don't be silly" she says wiping your cheek for you and holding you close. "You're aloud to get upset" she explains like she already knows you are not as invincible as you want people to believe the soft smile she gives tells you exactly that. "Come on" she says taking the key from your hand and opening your apartment door.   
  
You don't stand to take your shoes of first like you usually do, you don't even have time to take your jacket of because Clarke wouldn't let you hand go and immediately guided you towards the couch and pulled you on it with her as she squeezed your hand softly. You watched her blue eyes carefully trace over your face before feeling her thumb ever so softly glide over your red cheeks, it wasn't what she was doing that had you melting in to her touch, it was the way she was looking at you, with so much patients and worry and you already knew you didn't even need to say a word right now, she just wanted to be here for you, because Clarke may have lost a boyfriend but she knows you have lost a best friend of the best years of your life.  
  
"He hates me" You say your eyes casting down as she refuses to let go of your face.   
  
"He doesn't hate you. He's just hurt" Clarke says and you know she's only trying to help but you find yourself shaking you head out of her grip.   
  
"You didn't see the way he looked at me" you say with a frown. It's like his eyes had burned in to your memory, the way he looked at you with so much disgust.   
  
"No. I didn't" she says just as softly even though you are moving away and standing up. "but I know what he thinks of you, he's just hurt right now"   
  
"God I'm such a idiot" You breathe pushing your hands in your hair as you walk over to the big Glass window shadowing over the city.   
  
You find yourself starring out at the night sky as the city lights up the streets below. You remember Bellamy seeing the place for the first time as he helped with DIY, one of the first things he did was whistle as he approached the window while admiring your view. He had tapped on the glass to see how thick it was and had questioned you on how easily it would smash. You had no idea of course and thought it was a stupid question and you never cared to find out but he kept on saying it was a long way down like you could possibly fall one day.   
  
"Do you want me to go?" The voice startles you and you're not sure how long you have been silent for as Clarke appears right beside you with questioning eyes. You frown at her confused wondering why she would think that, before remembering what you had said only moments ago. You close your eyes in regret because despite you being a complete idiot and knowing it, you also couldn't regret Clarke if you wanted to, you just regret how things happened.   
  
"Please don't" You breathe opening your eyes again to look at her while stepping closer. She nods at you as she turns to look out your window like you did only moments ago and you can't help but watch her as something is clearly ticking inside that head of hers. "Bellamy rang me" She says and you frown because you only just saw him. "It was after you left because he knew everything"   
  
"What did he say?" you find yourself questioning.   
  
"He was just angry and confused. He was shouting a lot wanting to know how I could do it"   
  
"What did you say?"   
  
"Nothing" she breathes finally turning to face you. "I hung up, because I can't speak to someone who isn't ready to listen. I know I did wrong, and I know you did two but we can't change what is done, all we can do is say sorry learn from our mistakes and hope one day they forgive us, and if they don't well we just have to live with that" She says sadly but you can't deny it makes sense. "I loved Bellamy but it wasn't what I thought it was" Clarke explains as she reaches her hand out for yours. "I can't feel guilty for not loving him like he loved me, but the way I did it, I know there is no excuses for that"   
  
"What do we do now?" You find yourself question as you look in to blue eyes.  
  
"Well" Clarke says softly "Despite everything I can't help how I feel for you" You blink at her as you swallow because nope. Certainly never getting use to her little confessions of wanting you. "But I really need the loo" she smirks. "Don't go anywhere" She laughs as you can't help but copy.   
  
You feel the smile on your lips as she disappears and you can't help but feel like its the first one you have had all day. You may feel shit and down and maybe a little self pity but as the smile slowly peels it way back of your lips you realise that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, because despite what you have lost you have also gained something far beyond anything you could have ever hoped for, and maybe it doesn't justify the losing your best friend but you already know you would do it again because you have never felt so much emotions run through you all at once since you first kissed Clarke.   
  
The sound of your door being knocked aggressively pulls you from your thoughts with a frown. You check the clock on the wall as you approach the door wondering who it could be at this hour but as you pull the door open your answers are quickly answered and your frown grows more.  
  
"Oct-" You are cut off immediately as your head whips to the side and you feel a hot burning sensation throbbing on your cheek. As you pick your head back up you only have a second to see the burning anger alight in her eyes before she slaps you again in the exact same spot.   
  
"Octavia!" you hear but you feel a little dizzy from the force as you pull your head back again. "What the hell are you doing!" Clarke snaps as she comes protectively infront of you pushing Octavia back.   
  
"How could you fucking do that to him!" Octavia snaps looking past Clarke and directly at you as you hold your throbbing cheek in your hand. "who does that kind of shit to there best friend!" she snaps stepping closer only to be blocked by Clarke's arms.  
  
"I'm sorry" you find yourself muttering as you swallow harshly.  
  
"You're sorry" She mocks with a laugh a little out of breath from her anger. "Oh that's alright then. That makes everything dandy again doesn't it!" She says with a harsh bite. "He looked at you as family Lexa, does that mean anything to you at all?" she questions to only anger her more when you say nothing. "Bellamy might not be able to hit you but I certainly can!" She grits as she moves to come closer to you again. You wait for the impact as you scrunch up your face but Clarke refuses to budge and pushes Octavia back once again.   
  
"That's enough!" Clarke snaps stepping up to Octavia. "What the hell do you want her to say!" she snaps. "She has said she is sorry! What else do you want her to do!" she screams in Octavia's face and you are brought to silence as you watch Clarke defend your honour, not that you have any. "you have no right to barge around here and lay your hands on her!"   
  
"You're no better!" Octavia bites not backing down. "you we could expect it from, turns out you were just a slut" she laughs. "but her! We expected more from you!" she says angrily looking to you then Clarke with disgust. "what are you doing snuggling up while you just torn Bellamy apart?" she bites. "He might just sit there but I won't"   
  
"I never said I was better. I know what we have done is wrong, and we feel terrible about it, but you have barged around here shouting your mouth of and yet there is nothing we can do to change this" Clarke explains calmly but you can tell by the way Octavia's eyes are aimlessly looking to you and Clarke she is no calmer and probably never will be. "This has nothing to do with you Octavia."  
  
"This has everything to do with me"  
  
"No Octavia, it doesn't" Clarke says through a breathe. "I know you love your brother, and I know your just looking out for him but you need to go, now" Clarke says firmly gripping the door ready to close it.   
  
Octavia just stands there shaking her head angrily looking at you with the same betrayal Bellamy looked at you with. "You two deserve each other" she bites. "You call yourself friends?" she mocks. "You know no meaning of the word" she snaps looking at you at the words seep through her lips and then she's walking away as Clarke closes the door.   
  
The second the door closes Clarke turns around to face you and cups your cheek, her angry eyes and her strong structure quickly disappears as she turns back in to the normal calm caring woman you love. She looks at you with those sad blue eyes.   
  
"Are you ok?" she questions as she aimlessly looks in your green eyes.   
  
"No" you swallow and you have never said a single word with so much honestly as Clarke pulls you in to her arms again and for not the first time that night you cry. Who would have thought you were the lawyer who could defend anyone in court with any argument but was brought to silence as you were smacked twice and screamed at by Octavia, while Clarke stood infront of you and protected you. You take comfort in her arms as you breathe her vanilla scent going over Octavia's words repeatedly, Octavia was right about a lot of things and while you felt the guilt already she had only made it worse, when you pull away from your embrace from Clarke you look at her softly as she gives you a quizzing look.   
  
"I think you should go" You say with so much regret and you know she wasn't expecting that. You wasn't either but on some level Octavia was right, you just broke your best friends heart in to pieces and you're sitting here with his ex girlfriend who can make you smile in seconds if she really wanted to. You shouldn't get that luxury, not yet, not right now. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I love leaving you on cliff-hangers!   
> Weekends no updates from this fic :P   
> However I am going to work on Lost And Insecure before I update any more chapters of this so you may have to wait a while :) Sorry but I have this part on my other story I really need to write before it erases from my mind forever


	20. Chapter 20

**I can't do this!**

 

"Do you ever leave me alone?" Costia teases as you take a seat at the bar.  
  
"It's a real struggle" You grin pulling your jacket loose from your shoulders as she's already making your martini.   
  
"So what's up?"   
  
"What makes you think something's up?"    
  
"Frown. Hair, and god your eyes" She points out with narrowed eyes like she's trying to find something that actually doesn't look wrong while you touch your hair subconsciously.   
  
"I Look fine" you say defensively which only causes Costia to raise her brows in challenge waiting for you to reveal what's actually up. "I told Bellamy"   
  
"OH dam" Costia says dramatically folding her arms across the bar and leaning on them. "What did he say?" she questions her eyes aimlessly looking at you for answers. "Did he slap you?" she finally questions as her eyes land on your slightly swollen cheek, which instantly makes her stand straighter with a silent rage burning in her eyes.   
  
"No" You say playing with the napkin beneath your glass. "Octavia however didn't hold back when she showed up at my house last night" You explain remembering the way her eyes bore in to you, the way she so furiously slapped you not once but twice and still wanted to come back for more, you're sure if it wasn't for Clarke she may have punched you the way her anger built with every second you stood infront of her.   
  
"What happened?" Costia questioned. "How's it come to that?"   
  
"I don't know" you shrug before taking a mouthful of martini. "I wanted to be the one to tell Bellamy, I think I owed him that much. So I told him, I answered the questions he asked and then he asked me to leave" you explain. "So i did, when i got home Clarke was waiting for me"   
  
"Is there any service in this place" A older gentleman shouts from the other end of the bar holding his money out impatiently waiting.  
  
"Not right now there's not, and you interrupt my conversation one more time you won't get it at all" Costia bites back before turning back to you.   
  
"Where's your manager!" he demands with a bit of a smirk you watch Costia blow out a breath before slowly turning back to him.   
  
"I am the manage mate! So if i were you i'd shut up or get out, alright" Costia says finally daring the man to say another word but when the older gentleman just stares back impatiently and finally gives up grabs his jacket and leaves, you can't help but laugh.   
  
"You're the manager?" you question because you never knew that.   
  
"Hell no" Costia laughs. "but i'm not about to just give my bosses details to fire me, besides he will never know" she shrugs. "anyway, so how's Octavia end up slapping you?"   
  
"She showed up at my door"   
  
"Bitch" Costia says so casually while shaking her head.   
  
"She's just looking after her brother" you said understandably. You think you would do the same if you had a sibling.   
  
"Maybe, but you don't do that" Costia says. "Where was Clarke through all of this?"   
  
"She stood between us"  
  
"Awh" Costia coo's and you just roll your eyes at her typically. "was she like protecting you?" She questions with a smile.   
  
"Shut up" you say knowing what road she's trying to go down to tease you.   
  
"Fine. Fine." she grins. "So how do you feel now that everything's out in the open?"   
  
"Honestly" You breath looking in to hazel eyes. "I Feel lighter" you confess. "I feel guilt and terrible and even a little exhausted, but I'm glad I've told him, I'm not a liar, and I've hated having to do that" you confess.   
  
"Where does this leave you and Clarke?" You smile at the mention of her name because you have thought that question over in your head all night, you had thought what would be the best action to take, you repeated Clarke's words when she said there is nothing more else either of you can do to make this problem go away.   
  
"i sent her home last night after Octavia left" you confess and no matter how much you wished you didn't you knew you just needed to clear your head.  
  
"You didn't!" Costia questions with a growing disbelieving smile.   
  
"I know" you say. "I'm a jackass, but i needed to clear my head everything was just becoming to much all at once, all in all it was a terrible day. However what's done is done, I've hurt Bellamy and ill probably never get that friendship back, plus if i had to do all this again i would" you confess. "Clarke makes everything feel so much better, she makes me smile in the most ridiculous of circumstances, and honestly for the whole eight weeks i was away i was petrified she would still want Bellamy"   
  
"You love her" Costia says with a gentle smile.   
  
"I do, i think i fell in love with her quite a while back" you say shyly pushing your glass back across the bar. "i want to at least try what ever we're doing because, well i guess she had me at hello" you smile before laughing at your own little typical saying.   
  
"Well, she's a lucky girl" Costia says softly. "Because I've heard people talk about there loved ones, people there dating or whatever nearly every night at this bar when the punters think you are there best friend and decide to give you there life story, but none of them have sounded or looked as genuine as you" Costia admits. "Plus both of you are hot as hell and the sex will be amazing I'm sure" Costia quickly adds with a devilish smirk as you shake you instantly feel your cheek burn with the thought.   
  
"I hate you sometimes" You lie because honestly Costia make's you life just that little bit better too.   
  
\--  
  
You stand nervously across the street with your hands tucked snuggly in your pockets staring through the big glass windows of Clarke's studio. It's impossible to stop your smile from growing at you watch her dust around the pieces of art and it dawns on you how much things have changed. You can walk right in there and kiss her, because you now know she wants to kiss you just as much, you know she's probably thinking about you because she told you herself that you're always in her head and as confusing as it is for her she doesn't want it to stop. Your smile isn't just a discreet one no more, its pulled in to a full blown all pearly whites on show kind of smile and you're not even bothered about the strange looks you are getting as people look at you weird. She's beautiful and talented and weird and just everything that make's your heart pound in your chest and you still can't believe how she wanted you back from just a kiss. Before you know it you're stepping across the road with confidence as you remember all the little things Clarke has told you confidently and sometimes shy.   
  
The ringing of a bell above your head has you stupidly looking up as you push the door open. You can't help but frown never remembering that there before and for slightly being startled considering you are the one who opened the door to start with.   
  
"Lexa" Clarke says already looking at you with her fluffier still in hand.   
  
"That's new" you say feeling like you need to point it out for looking at it with confusion.   
  
"Yeah" Clarke grins. "It's so i hear people coming in when I'm out back" She says softly with a hint of shyness as she eyes you carefully. It's been less than twenty four hours since you last seen her, since you asked her to leave after she stood protectively infront of you and still you can't help but feel every muscle turn in your stomach with excitement while your smile grows nervously. "How are you?" she finally questions because you are just staring at one another like you're teenagers all over again and you wish it never leaves.   
  
"Good question" you say seriously trying to hide the smile you know is threatening to grow already. You step closer to her keeping your eyes straight as she looks at you curiously with a questioning look. "I wanted to speak to you actually" you admit and you can't help but notice how beautiful she looks in a cotton jumper and tight jeans, simple clothing but yet complements her perfectly.   
  
"What about?" she questions her eyes narrowing and you know she's nervous as her blue eyes look nervously in to your green ones.  
  
"us" you say looking to the ground before back in to blue eyes. "I've been thinking about what we've done, the pain we have caused in doing so" you say softly. "i'm sorry about yesterday, and just everything" You breathe as you watch her swallow trying to work out what you're trying to tell her. "Everything just got to me and hit my all at one, literally." You try to smile about it but it falls flat and Clarke can't seem to find the humour in it either so instead you continue trying to push the urge to lean forward and already be kissing her. "How we started was wrong, we hurt people we really cared about and we were damned with the consequences at the time, i didn't think and i don't think you did either" You say looking in to blue eyes as they narrow out on you.  "it should never have come to that and i know that i should never have kissed you"   
  
"Lexa what are you saying?" she questions but is sounds more of a demand as she frowns at you looking for answer, she's so nervous and worried you can feel it and you are so cruel for doing this but you love it when blue eyes light up so you continue. "Are you calling it a day?" she questions before you have time to say anything. She looks hurt and a little angry as she crosses her arms protectively but to you she looks at cute as ever. "You knew what would happen" She tries to explain to understand why you have came to your decision and she's right you did know exactly what you were doing, you knew the consequences and you accepted them.   
  
"I know" you say  
  
"So we done all this for, nothing?" she questions and she takes a step back.   
  
"No, i did all this because i want to take you on a date" you breathe allowing your smile to grow as her eyes look at you confused for a second. "i knew the consequences, i knew what we were doing Clarke, and I'd do it again, along as you come on a date with me" You breathe and you don't realise how much you are shaking until you reach out for her hand to pull her back a step closer. "What's done is done Clarke, i can't change anything and i don't want to all i can do is be sorry and hope one day he forgives me" you say softly with a growing smile because they were the words Clarke said to you last night before Octavia interrupted, and god was she right.   
  
"You want to take me on a date?" Clarke questions dumbly and you can't help but laugh as you lean just that little bit closer with a firm nod.  
  
"Yes" you whisper. "More than anything, only if you agree"   
  
It take's a moment as her blue eyes are still looking at you confused but her eyes quickly drift down to your lips as you are a lot closer than you were moments ago, you watch her smile grow as blue eyes sparkle with realisation of what's actually happening instead of her immediate thoughts, you're a little evil but you love her this way. She nods at you and got your jaw aches from smiling.   
  
"Is that a yes?" you question.   
  
"Yes" she breathes while biting her lip.  
  
"Good" you mumble moving even closer until your lips are gently brushing against hers. Your arms fall around her as you pull her flush against you and you know she's smiling cheekily against your lips as you try not once but twice to deep the kiss but she refuses it.   
  
"Clarke" You whine begging her to stop teasing you, but she's laughing at you as her lips pull from yours.   
  
"I don't kiss on the first date" She says and your eyes are fluttering open.   
  
"this isn't our first date" you say smartly.   
  
"Well i guess you will just have to wait" she says cheekily and you don't feel silly when you pout at her because apparently you really want to kiss her more than she wants to kiss you. Women, so confusing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :D   
> First day I'm thinking bonfire night? Lol as Costia has mentioned going to watch fireworks in chapter 18 i think!   
> Lol what you guys thinking?   
> Anything you want to particularly happen on this date let me know, be creative!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so i could come up with some terrible shitty excuse, but i got nada!  
> So yeah I'm terrible, you rule, i suck and you're awesome!  
> Thanks for waiting hope it was worth the wait and i even made it that little bit longer, let me know what you think :P

** I can't do this! **

 

  
Choosing a date quickly became one of the most challenging things in the world. You should have probably thought about it before actually asking her but unfortunately you didn't think about that first and jumped to the gun because you were just to excited. You knew you didn't want it to cheesy because Clarke hated cheesy dates, you remember Bellamy taking her out for a candle lit dinner once in a private part of the restaurant as music played in the background she told him it was lovely and perfect because she wasn't ungrateful but being one of her best friend she told you the truth, she absolutely hated it, it felt fake and put on and just a little staged for her ideal date. So like a champ you used your friendship to your advantage and crossed out majority of the usual date ideas until you were slouching in your office chair struggling to focus on the case files infront of you as you were absolutely clueless. Considering Clarke was the least fussiest person you know, you find it quite shocking how fussy she really is. She doesn't mind something active, but not to active because exercise shouldn't be a date. She loves watching movies but she doesn't understand the point of it for early dates because how can you get to know one another in the dark in silence? You have to admit you agree with Clarke on that one, but still it doesn't help you one bit.  
  
No candle lit dinners, not to much exercise and no sitting in rooms in silence.  
  
Right.  
  
You sit on it for the entire day, thinking of things here and there but none of them feel right, none of them seem like the perfect date you want Clarke to have with you. First dates are always first impressions even if she has known you for a entire year. If the very first date where you are suppose to make your best efforts is boring well, that shows what kinds of relationship she is going to have with you if you continue. When you finally feel like you have given up the will to live, your eyes open with what you think is the most perfect idea and you can't help but smile at how good it is as you tell her, Sunday.  
  
You had three days to prepare for it, three days to panic over it, and three days you refused to see her in person because you thought the date would be even better after forcing yourself to wait to see her, of course it didn't stop you texting each other all day, every day and you would be lying if you said she still didn't make your heart pound with excitement.  She had declared that not being able to see one another was the stupidest idea in the world, and you couldn't help but smile as she sent you a pouty face. Still you had to agree because you were itching to see her too but it made you feel even warmer inside at her declaration. She had even asked you what would happen 'hypothetically of course' if she just showed up at your door. You had laughed as you stared at the words highlighted on your phone and admittedly you wrote out a message you had to delete which told her she would have to do it to find out. Before you could send it though you thought better of it and playfully warned her that if she came you would refuse to text her too until Sunday. You couldn't help but smile as she sent a sad emoji declaring this wasn't fair. It was weird how it felt like your date had already began from just the anticipation and suspense to see one another again, especially now that everything was out in the open and you were free to do as you pleased.

**Clarke : Hm, so maybe I should have asked this before today, but what should I wear? x**

You find yourself grinning from ear to ear as you hold back a giggle. You had sent one another hundreds of messages within the last few days all of different subjects and a few of the same but not one of them was about where the date was taking place or what to wear, all she knew was the time it took place and the time you would be picking her up. You type out a reply as you stand infront of the mirror wrapped tightly in a towel as you begin getting ready yourself.

**Lexa : so why didn't you? x**

**Clarke : I may have been distracted :) x**  
  
**Lexa : Distracted? x**

You throw your phone on the edge of your bed as you turn to look in the mirror. The smile you wore was undisguisable, you're sure its been that was since she kissed you back in your office. You breathe out a heavy nervous breath as you look at the time. You have four hours to get ready and be at hers and somehow you feel like there's not enough time. As the towel falls to the ground you open up your underwear draw searching for the right set, you don't want it to slutty, nor to relaxed, you highly doubt it will even matter as she won't even be seeing you in your underwear but still you feel like you want to feel your best, not just look your best, so you settle on a black lacy set that hold your boobs perfectly. You forget what you're doing when your phone dings bringing it to life.

 **Clarke :** **Hmm playing dumb? Fine, you have restricted me from seeing you and if you haven't noticed I've really really hated it and it's been a little distracting xx**  
  
**Lexa: I may have noticed a little. Dress for warmth :)**  
  
**Clarke : For warmth? Where are you taking me again, I don't think I've asked that either, what have you done to me?**  
  
**Lexa: You seem to keep asking me that question x**

A warmth floats through you as you reread her words. You had seriously lost count on how many times she had asked you that question, but still each time she does you feel a warmth spread through your chest like it never has before because she says it like you have done all these incredible weird things to her that she never even knew existed and despite not knowing what you have done to her exactly to provoke these feelings, you can't help but feel the exact same way, because you have never been the kind of girl to look at your phone in a meeting but now you seem to constantly be waiting for the vibration in your pocket, you have never been one to slouch on the couch with a bottle of wine as you play with your lovers fingers just laughing and smiling, and god did the smiles ache your jaw. She's changed you so effortlessly, and all you feel is this big pile of mushy love where you don't think its possible to stop smiling.

**Clarke : You seem to keep making me feel that way. See you in a few hours :) xx  
P.s Can't wait to see you x **

As you throw your phone excitedly on the bed once again you can't help but bite your lip as you stay locked in a daydream. The suspense is absolutely killing you, you already feel butterflies of nerves and excitement as you think about her opening the door to you. God you are mush, a sappy not put together piece of mush and you should be deeply ashamed, but you feel like you're floating to much to actually care.  
  
"Shit" you mutter to yourself as you come back to reality and opening your wardrobe. You step in scanning your eyes over every item you own you try mix and matching, you try colour coordinating but none feel right, none feel perfect and you can feel the stress of wanting to look so good built up extremely quickly.  
  
Three and a half hours you tell yourself as you tap your fingers on your bare hips. Finally you decide to make a glass of whiskey before heading back to your wardrobe to face your demons. You can do this you tell yourself, you get dressed every day, like seriously its no big deal.  
  
\----  
  
Your heart feels like its going a million miles a minute as you knock on Clarke's hotel room door.  
  
"I know you want to make a lasting impression but forty five minutes late?" Clarke questions teasingly as she opens the door but all you see is her eyes sparkling and that smile you have done nothing but picture for the last three days.  
  
"I'm so sorry" you say and your tone doesn't show you mean it one bit, in all honesty your hearts pounding to much, your eyes are already tracing her lips and blue eyes and its embarrassing how quickly you want to just already be melted together as one. "I couldn't find any clothes" You say finally shaking yourself out your daze to take in her outfit. She's wearing a snuggly jumper skinny jeans and a pair of wellies and you can't help but smile wider as she came up with the incredible idea to wear wellies while not knowing where she's going, yet you knew exactly where you were going and wore boots, You're a idiot.  
  
"You couldn't find no clothes in your big walk in wardrobe?" She teases with a raised brow. "If I didn't know any better i'd say you were trying to scare me of" she smirks while biting her lip.  
  
"I guess I'm lucky you know better then huh?" You question more quieter as you step closer. She makes you like this, quieter, more nervous and always a little hesitant as you don't want to scare her off, that and you really, really like her you don't want to screw up. "Are you ready?" You question with a gentle smile you could linger here all night having light banter and teasing, but you are already late and if you leave it any later you're going to miss the big show.  
  
"Let me just grab my coat" she smiles biting her lip as she disappears. It takes only a few minutes for her to reappear in a bobble hat, scarf, gloves and a woolly coat and you can't resist grinning at how snug and cute she looks. "ready" she announces closing the door behind her.   
  
"Nice hat" you tease but honestly she looks incredibly beautiful with her blonde hair flowing effortlessly out of it.  
  
"Thank you" She says shyly finally taking your hand in hers as you walk down the corridors to the lift. "So where are we going?" she asks excitedly and you are surprised she hasn't guessed yet  
  
"Wait and see" You say pushing the button to the lift. You turn to her as she turns to you and both of you find yourself just looking at each other with a giddiness in the air, this all feels so nerve wracking and exciting, to the point you want it to be over already to settle your stomach but yet you never want it to end at the same time. A gentle squeeze of her hand has your gaze dropping to her lips while licking your own subconsciously. She pulls you closer as you wait and still you both do nothing but smile nervously, understanding everything the other is feeling because this is new territory yet its exhilarating and you just can't wait to get her own there and show people she's with you.  
  
"I've missed you" she breathes swallowing hard as her eyes aimlessly search your features. "A lot" She's nervous, more nervous than you think you have ever seen her so you find yourself squeezing her hand back hoping it gives her the comfort and reassurance she needs while pulling her just that little bit closer.  
  
"It was harder than I thought" you confess and her blue eyes sparkle at you as she shows a toothy smile before biting her lip to resist just that little bit.  
  
"Are you nervous?"  
  
"Little bit, you?" You confess.  
  
"Little bit" she repeats while you realise you jaw is already aching like crazy. The ding of the lift has you pulling apart just the slightest but her hand remains firmly in yours as she pulls you in with her. Everything is just perfect you tell yourself as you breathe out a nervous breath, the only thing you would change right now is the gloves stopping you feeling her gentle thumb rubbing up and down your own.  
  
\---

She hasn't stopped smiling since she stepped foot on the muddy grass, with her eyes sparkling as you dodge the crowds and walk further in to the field. Your eyes had narrowed in on her the moment you pulled up, you still hadn't told her exactly what you are doing here, but you figured now she just knows. The problem is you know she loves bonfire night, you know she loves fireworks and the beauty of the sparklers people wave around, she even loves the atmosphere and how loud it can get while people shout at there children not to wonder of, or wives moaning at there husbands to stop drinking, even the fair rides terrible music that plays in the distance she loves it all and you know it but does she like it as a date. You hadn't been able to take your eyes of her, waiting for a hint of what the hell am I doing here, or really here of all places? Yet there was nothing you could pick up on that told you she hated it and her word wasn't trusty enough because she would tell you she likes it either way.  
  
"Is this ok?" you question nervously turning to face her as you weave in and out of people hand in hand. She doesn't respond for a moment instead she turns and faces you aswel, eyes searching your own as she continues to smile that adorable way only she can.  
  
"I love it" she hums biting at her bottom lip and the sincerity in her voice has you believing her instantly.  
  
"Yeah?" You question still a little unsure. "We can go somewhere else if it's to cold or-"  
  
"Lexa" Clarke says seriously pulling you abruptly in to her. "Seriously. I don't think you could have picked a better place" she breathes and her smile falls from her lips as she looks at you more seriously, more honestly. "It's my favourite time of year" She admits and you feel a little smug because you already knew that but you're to distracted by how close you now are for the first time in three days.  
  
"I'm glad" You find yourself saying for no reason at all as you lean a little closer in to her, eyes flickering and heart thudding as she give's you that teasing smile. You want to kiss it of her lips, actually you just want to kiss her lips you quite like that smile, its one of your favourite features about her so you find yourself leaning in with more confidence than you ever have, because you're feeling proud you picked the right place, and her lips are just well, her lips. Only as you lean in to capture them she pulls away with a bigger grin and immediately your confidence vanishes as your eyes open wider than normal.    
  
"Sorry" she hums. "I don't kiss on first dates" she smirks while biting on her bottom lip. "Especially when they had me worried for a solid forty five minutes I was being stood up" She says pulling you further in to the crowds towards the stands set up all around.  
  
"That would never happen" You breathe pulling her back in to you until her blue eyes connected with yours. "Especially since it took me so long to find clothes" You tease earning you a smirk and a smack on your bicep. You can't help but laugh as she rolls her eyes but she's looking at you in that adorable way that tells you she wants to kiss you again and you can't help but tease her like she teased you because she made this stupid rule, like you made the silliest one to not be able to see one another, despite how worth it, it is, because no matter what you do it seems neither of you can let go of one another, even on the car journey here her hand rest comfortably on your thigh as you drove while you mentally slapped yourself to focus on the road. "I have something for you" You say reaching out for blonde locks hanging around her hat.  
  
"What?" she questions her eyes flickering to your hands twirling the end of her hair before back to your lips then green eyes. You don't miss how she moves closer to you, just because she can and you know she wants nothing more than to wrap you up, like you have been thinking about seen you saw her, both of you are trying to play it cool and you're pretty sure you are both terrible at it because you're ready to dive on her lips and never come back up for air, hell with living it would be totally worth it.  
  
"Close your eyes" You say through a smile and you know she will refuse already.  
  
"I told you I don't kiss on the first date" She teases and you don't resist the urge to roll your eyes.  
  
"It's not a kiss" you laugh. "Close your eyes"  
  
"You close your eyes"  
  
"How does that make any sense?" You question through the biggest smile. She has always been a baby when it comes to being told to close her eyes, she isn't keen on surprises and she certainly don't like having to close her eyes and patiently wait while using every bit of trust she has for you not to throw a cake in her face or something.  
  
"Why do I have to close my eyes?" she pouts searching your eyes.  
  
"Because you hate it" You grin. "and it seems today is all about new things, unless you don't want it that is" You tease with a raised brow.  
  
"Fine" she whines closing her eyes before peaking one eye open in less than three seconds.  
  
"You're terrible at this" You laugh.  
  
"It makes me nervous" she whines closing her eyes once more only to open them again after five seconds, you're playing with her, and you feel ridiculously mean but you cant help but love it even more. "Lexa!" she whines as she opens her eyes again. "You aren't even doing anything" she says with a little huffiness.  
  
"That's because your eyes keep opening" you laugh before reaching for her hat and pulling it on her face.   
  
"You're losing points" she says through a hidden laugh as she pulls the hat back in the right position trying to give you a glare but failing miserably, you still just keep thinking about kissing those lips until there swollen.  
  
"I didn't know there was a score board?" You question catching your full attention and you can't help but move close to her again because it feels like theres to much distance between you. "Where am I scoring so far?" You question trying to supress your amused laugh.  
  
"I'll let you know at the end" she says simply. "So this surprise"  
  
"Close your eyes" You laugh.  
  
"i'll turn around instead" she says. "Yeah?" she questions for reassurance. You roll your eyes but nod anyway and within seconds she jumps on the spot turning around. You shake your head for a moment staring at the back of her because she is the weirdest person you know, either way she still can't see what you are doing so you're sure its doing the exact same thing but in a different way. You can't help but roll your eyes at her one more time even though she can't see you before pulling two sparklers from your back pocket with a lighter before quickly lighting them and watching them come to life.  
  
"You can turn around now" You say through a smile because the seconds you say it she's turning instantly focusing on what you have. You watch the excitement rise through her as her normal smile turns in to a toothy one while wordlessly taking a sparkler from you.  
  
"I love these" She declares and you would in no way think she is a adult at the age of twenty six.  
  
"I know" You say holding your own sparkler in the air unlike Clarke who seemed to be twirling it around as she takes your hand in hers. You don't care much for sparklers, once when you were a child maybe but now there just things you hold that sparkle until they eventually die out, there's nothing amazing about them or beautiful you find they repeat the same sparkle and that's about it. Clarke however, she thinks something else entirely, she think's there beautiful and in a odd way can represent life. You remember her telling you once and you looked at her with the most bizarre look you could utter but she had told you 'Through out our entire life we sparkle, we shine in our own way never knowing what direction to go next, how to handle it or what's to come, we don't know when we're going to die out so there for we keep shinning until we come to our end, Like a sparkler.'  
When you thought about it you suppose it sounded like it made sense but still a sparkler to you is just a sparkler you will throw away in approximately two minutes but you suppose that's what Clarke see's for having a artist eye, beauty in everything with a story more in depth than you could ever conjure up.  
  
"Daddy! Come on!!! It's going to start, hurry up!!" A young boy huffs by your side as he yanks on his dads hands trying to pull him along while his dad seems lost in conversation ignoring the young boy as he stands effortlessly still despite his son pulling on him as roughly as he could. "Dad!" he shouts with a huff. "I'm telling mum!" he whines now trying to pull his hand from his dad but his dad despite being lost in conversation has a firm grip on his hand. "Get of!"  
  
"I bet he was a little you" Clarke says a lot closer than you remember her, you're proven correct as you turn back to face her only inches away looking lost in your green eyes already. "All demanding and cute" she says before biting on her bottom lip and it feels so seductive to you, you're not sure if its the way she's measuring you up, or the way she thinks you're demanding and cute.  
  
"I was more bossy" you admit with a smile as Clarke's eyes look at you more adoring with her lip still between her teeth. "Stop that" You husk and you clear your throat because you didn't mean for your voice to change, it just did but instead of getting embarrassed you reach your gloved hand to Clarke's chin and pull her lip from her teeth with eyes completely transfixed on them.  
  
"sorry" she breathes but you know she isn't at all because you watch her lip twitch to do the exact same thing only to rethink the action and stop herself. She already knows you think it's teasing, and she certainly knows it makes it so much harder not to kiss her.  
  
"We should head over" she says pointing towards the bonfire where all the fireworks will take place behind it in the distance.  
  
"Yeah" you say still breathing a little different and swallowing harsher than only moments ago, you wouldn't think it's freezing cold outside because right now you feel the need to peel of your layers to feel some fresh air as you feel all warm. She take's your hand wordlessly in your own and without saying a word starts guiding you towards the Hugh bonfire already ablaze warming the field just a little bit.   
  
"Clarke! Lexa!" Just as you have come to a stop close enough to feel the fire but not close enough to feel like your face is melting of you turn to the side searching through the crowds to see who is shouting your names.  
  
"Who's that?" Clarke questions also searching the full crowd.  
  
"I don-"  
  
"Hey guys!" Costia grins standing in front of you with a bottle of bud in one hand while wrapped up in a fluffy coat. "You got here then" Costia smirked at you and you beg her to shut up already. "You should have seen her earlier" Costia points out looking to you before turning to Clarke.  
  
"Complete melt down"  
  
"No I wasn't" you say with a little bite towards Costia as Clarke looks at you curiously before turning back to Costia for more information.  
  
"Yeah" Costia says through a amused furrow to the brow. "You were, your whole wardrobe ended up on the floor when I face timed" Costia says smugly before turning to face Clarke again.   
  
"She's exaggerating" You explain to Clarke as she looks like she wants to laugh but her eyes are sparkling at you and you know she don't believe you, after all you were forty five minutes late. Plus you're lying.  
  
"What ever makes you feel better" Costia says while winking at Clarke. Why did you befriend her again? Times like this you struggle to remember, she's a leach you tell yourself, she just latched on and wouldn't go away, you know it's not true but you will continue to tell her that anyway just to annoy her. "Awhh well this is cute" she says looking to the pair of you and your hands entwined together and you shouldn't but you blush feeling awkward and embarrassed at someone analysing the both of you. "Have you kissed yet?" She questions looking at you with a naughtily glint, she's doing this on purpose. "Not that it matters, I mean you two are way past that right?" she smirks.  
  
"Please go away" you plead and Costia all but smiles that little bit wider. You are going to kill her.  
  
"Fine. Fine." she holds her hands up in a laughter. "I know when I'm not wanted" she mocks offence. "thought I would just quickly say hi." she trails on and you imagine throwing your next martini in her face just to be smug like she is right now.  
  
"hi. bye" You say and you hate that your lips are betraying you as the corners tilt up just a fraction at your stupid embarrassing friend.   
  
"Fine. Bye" she says looking towards you with one more devilish smirk before turning to Clarke. "Enjoy your date. Oh and her underwear" She says pointing to Lexa with a thumps up "On point" she says before you're whacking her away as she laughs. Your cheeks are red and you have never felt so embarrassed.  
  
"I'm sorry about her" You say nervously twitching you lip to the side as you think of a excuse for her actions, you're a lawyer. You can do this easy. "She don't know what she's taking about" You say failing every lawyer and argument skill you posses.  
  
"So you wasn't having a melt down before you met me?" she teases and you blush that little more until she's giggling infront of you snaking her arms around your neck and looking at you in that most adorable way. "it's weird right?" she questions and you furrow your brow at her question as you place your hands on her hips. This is the closest you have held her all night and she's already making your brain fuzzy because it seems no matter what you do, or what your stupid friend says nothing puts her off. "We've been friends for what a year?" she questions looking at you intensely "yet we're stressing how we look around one another" She says with a hint of a laugh "Yet before I just threw on anything" She says and you can't help but smile with her because it does seem rather silly when you think about it, but you're sure it won't stop because things are different now. "It's like I could hold your hand or hug you without thinking twice before, but now it feels like everyone is watching us" she explains and you know exactly what she means.  
  
"That's because before you knew it was innocent" You say as you look around to see if eyes were really on you. "a lot of people still do look though" you say. You have dealt with it for years at first it made you a little self conscious but now you know it isn't always people looking at you to judge its just people still doing a double take on you when you are holding a girl a little different, its like checking to see if you're actually gay in away but still not caring If you are, I suppose its still not something you see around every corner and you thought it was best to see it that way, as long as they didn't stare or grunt they were harmless.  
  
"I get that" Clarke says because Clarke had been that girl once too. She had once been to a bar with you and looked at a girl from a far and eventually learnt throught the night she was infact gay, and Clarke couldn't believe it because she would never have guessed, she wasn't judging it was just wow, that girls gay who would have thought? and a lot of people still do that now. "It just feels weird"  
  
"we don't have to hold hands if you don't feel comfortable" You say as you squeeze her hip. You support what ever she's comfortable with and you understand she is still going through a lot of changes one being feeling like people are staring all the time.  
  
"No" She says looking at you more seriously. "I want to, it's just different" she says with a shrug.   
  
You're silenced as the sky lights up with a beautiful shade of pink sparkles with a loud bang. You both turn to the sky holding one another closely as you pull her even closer. You didn't imagine this date in any particular way, but somehow its fulfilled what you desired because you got her to smile, you got her to laugh, and she teased you while you teased her while never being a step away from one another. You hear the crowd 'ohh' and 'arh' as different types of fireworks light up the sky while children run around with sparklers but you, all you can do is turn and face the blonde as her eyes light up with the sky. You smile because she does, only for completely different reasons, her cheeks are pink and her nose bright red and you are sure if you touch her face she would be freezing cold but you don't because you respect her no kiss rule on first dates.  
  
"it's beautiful" Clarke breathes and you see the cold air leave her mouth. You smile even wider because she infact looks beautiful, and you have to admit you have never seen someone quite suit a black bobble hate like her. You stay quiet keeping your arms wrapped around as you turn to face the bright sky. Despite Clarke always being the touchy feely type you had never been in a position quite like this in a public place, and it hits you all at once, its all so different yet beautiful that you can't imagine not holding her like this again while at the same time you're wrapping your head around actually being able to. It's surprising how easy it feels to change from friends to something more.  
  
"You're thinking" Clarke says turning in your arms so her back is pressed to your chest before pulling your arms back around her waist. She still stares in the night sky completely captured by the beautiful lights but you feel your chest swell with pride at how well she knows you with out needing to look at you for even a second.  
  
"I am" you say because its pointless lying. She turns to you in question her cold nose touching your neck and you think if you smile anymore you will never be able to look sad ever again.  "just thinking about how three months ago you were my friend and now we're" You pause because you have no label yet and you don't want to label anything until you have discussed it properly.   
  
"Dating" she says her eyes looking up to you while your breaths mingle together.  
  
"Yeah" you say melting in her a little more as she says the words. "It feels surreal" you confess.  
  
"I Know the feeling" she says and that's enough to tell you she's thought the same thing.   
  
You both turn to face the firework display once more ignoring the way Clarke's biting her lip once again. You let yourself just enjoy the moment instead of letting your mind consume you, you smile and hold one another a little bit tighter for warmth and just because you can, after all its your first outing with Clarke where she's actually your date and no one is aloud even a bit of her tonight because it's yours. When the fireworks come to a end you wordlessly part from your embrace only to take one another's hand again before following everyone of the field and to the car park.  
  
"How's my score board?" you find yourself question as you finally step of the muddy grass.  
  
"I can't tell you till the very end" she says looking to the ground before looking back at you. "I want to take you somewhere first" She says.  
  
"Like a date over a date?" You question  with a gentle smile. "Was mine not satisfactory enough?" you tease. She rolls her eyes at you with a laugh.  
  
"More than enough" she admits. "I just don't want the night to be over yet" she says honestly with a shy shrug.  
  
"Are you kidding me!!" You are knocked out of the warm feeling that started to make your heart thud in the best of ways as you hear that familiar voice only to look up to See Octavia storming over to you while Bellamy stands further back. You quickly turn your gaze to Clarke to see her letting out a exhausted breath before you turn back to the Blake family.   
  
"Octavia" you say hoping for her to not make a scene. You haven't spoke to Bellamy since you told him about you and Clarke, but its not out of fear or disrespect its because you respect him enough to give him space and time away from you.  
  
"kissing her wasn't enough no? What's this a date" she snarls and you swallow because she's causing a scene and you absolutely hate them. "What are you trying to do rub it in his face?" She snaps only focused on you.  
  
"Not at all" you say looking at Octavia more sternly. "I didn't even know you were here"  
  
"Bullshit. We come every year, you know that" Octavia snaps and you finally see Bellamy coming over. You do know that but that was never your intention and you find yourself a little hurt by the accusation because thats not you, that's never been you. As Bellamy approaches you all fall silence his eyes drifting to your hand holding Clarke's. You feel uncomfortable that you immediately release it and Clarke's doesn't protest.  
  
"I didn't know" You say more quieter to Bellamy because this is between you and him not his sister. "I'm sorry" you find yourself saying. "I'm not trying to rub anything in"  
  
"I know" he says and you look at him for a moment a little surprised he isn't acting like Octavia. His eyes only meet yours for a moment before there darting away awkwardly looking at Clarke before turning to his sister.  
  
"Lets go" he says pulling Octavia away.  
  
"Seriously" She says looking at you and Clarke disgusted. "You're just going to let them" she says confused.  
  
"There's nothing I can do" he says and you know he's right, because as horrible as it is there is nothing that would stop what you want with Clarke.  
  
You watch him pull her away without saying another word and you release a breath you didn't know you were holding until Clarke is standing in your line of sight.  
  
"Sorry" you say because you let go of her in a split second from a simple look.  
  
"Don't be" she says softly reaching for your hand once more. "I get it" she says and you are so thankful she does. She wants to ask you something you can tell, but she resist as she pulls you a little closer. "do you still want to come somewhere else with me?" she questions a little nervously but hopeful.  
  
"Of course" you hum squeezing her hand.  
  
"Good" she grins biting her bottom lip once more. You ignore the way your guilt gets over ride by Clarke looking at you, holding you and just being simply close.  
  
\---  
  
"A rock bar?" you frown pulling your coat from your shoulders as you look around. This is not a place you had imagined being brought to, nore a play Clarke would ever hang out. She looks at you typically through a wide smile pulling her own coat of her shoulders, you try to focus on the bar but all you see are huge tattooed men eyeing you as you walk in. You feel you have just walked in to some bar in Texas where there chewing on absolutely nothing and giving you the death glare. She's lucky you're not keeping a score board too.  
  
"Relax" Clarke laughs throwing her coat over a stall before taking yours two. "It's not a rock bar. It's just a normal bar but they get a lot of bikers in here because its convenient" She explains as you look at her with a raised brow while your eyes search around you once more. "They all look huge and like they want to kill you sometimes, but they are the softest bears you will ever meet"  
  
"Clarke! Nice to see you again" A even larger man says from behind the bar. His face has a tribal tattooed across it with a beard that goes on for days.  
  
"Gustus!" She says happily clasping there hands together as you watch on more confused than ever. So maybe there are a lot of factors you don't know about Clarke. "How's Echo?" she questions sitting comfortably on the stall and you can do nothing but do the same, you are ashamed to admit you actually inspected the chair before playing yourself on it even more so when Clarke catches you and rolls her eyes.  
  
"Brilliant!" he says proudly. "Straight A's. She's such a good girl"  
  
"That's really good" Clarke says excitedly. "She will get accepted in Yale easy" You look up at because Yale is one of the best schools in the country.  
  
"Fingers crossed" he says. "Same as usual?" He questions.  
  
"Please" she says. "and a glass of wine, this one's not in to beer" she says turning to you amused.  
  
"Coming right up"  
  
"You come here often?" you find yourself question looking around the place that looks a little more than run down. It resembles more of a barn, only with alcohol and no animals, although the people surrounding you could possibly resemble bears, or worse.  
  
"From time to time" Clarke says through a toothy smile as she pulls you of your stall and closer to her. "Let your guard down Looloo" she says teasingly "i know most of the guys in here. Harmless"  
  
"They don't look harmless" you says struggle to stop your back from straightening even more. She laughs at you, actually laughs and you turn your weary gaze from the beady eyes on you and turn to her with a frown.  
  
"Here you go girls. Enjoy" Gustus says placing your glasses infront of you.  
  
"Thank you. Keep the change" Clarke says handing over a note. "Come on you" Clarke says nudging you gently. "Lets find the reason we're here"  
  
"Why are we here?" you question taking your glass in your hand while following her around the bar and around a corner.  
  
"For this" Clarke says biting her bottom lip as she places her beer glass on the edge of the pool table.  
  
"Pool?"  
  
"umm hmm" Clarke says cheekily handing you a cue. "I kind of want to beat you at something" Clarke smirks leaning closer to you and you really think she's going to kiss you so you completely stop breathing. "Let's play a game" whispers.  
  
"What game?" You breathe your eyes undeniably flickering down to her lips repeatedly.  
  
"If i pot one, i ask a question. Any question" Clarke breathes. "If you pot, you ask" She says  
  
"Clarke" You breath biting through your nerves with a hint of a smile.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"You know you're going to lose right?" You question confidently and you watch her swallow while watching your lips move. "i want to add to it"  
  
"Go on" she says more amused while creating distant between you and you smirk a little more.  
  
"If i win, i walk you home"  
  
"and if i win, i walk you" Clarke says.  
  
"Deal"  
  
"You can break" Clarke say handing you the chalk. "Break a leg"  
  
\--  
  
You forget all about the bears surrounding you as you lose yourself to a game of pool and the laugh that keeps echoing out of Clarke's lips. You are two one down and you have absolutely no idea why you agreed to this stupid bet. You wanted to walk her home like a gentlewoman, you wanted to watch her close the door as you walked back home with the most goofiest smile on your lips while you spin with happiness, because you are 100% sure your jaw muscles are growing by the second. You might actually start looking like one of these bears if you carry on smiling so much, or maybe not.  
  
"You come here more than from time to time" you accuse as she pots yet another ball. She makes it look so effortless, i mean you're not terrible its just she seems better than you.  
  
"Maybe i do" she laughs biting her bottom lip as she thinks of yet another question. She pulls herself up on the edge of the pool table looking at you with a soft smugness she's been wearing since you started playing, you kind of want to push her of the pool table and show how to really play but it seems even when you tried that she still laughed at you as she beat you yet again. "What's the worst date you have ever been on?" she questions  
  
"This one" you say jokingly but she hits you with her pool cue anyway. "Hm. I've had a few" You admit catching her curiosity even more.  
  
"I'm intrigued"  
  
"Hm." For a moment you really think because you had been on a few dates you swore to never speak of again and without even realising it you find yourself laughing as Clarke's eyes light up with curiosity.  
  
"What?" she questions through a toothy smile  
  
"I once met my date at there home" You say through a laugh. "I remember knocking, expecting them to be ready, i was about five minutes early but still i thought that would be fine"  
  
"You can be early for some people then huh?" Clarke teases and you nudge her while rolling your eyes.  
  
"well i knocked and she came to the door, her sleeves rolled up looking completely stressed" You explain as Clarke smiles along with you. "She apologised a number of times and invited me in but she declared she needed to wash her cat before she left"  
  
"Wash her cat?" Clarke asked in disbelief.  
  
"Yep. You play my face perfectly by the way. I kind of just stood there like, um ok, you can wash your cat before we go on our first date" You say laughing.  
  
"That's weird"  
  
"It gets weirder" You say moving closer to Clarke without even knowing and before you know it you're standing between her legs with a smile so wide you want to burst. "I was downstairs waiting for her to do her business or whatever, really just wanting to go home and then she shouts me for help"  
  
"No way" Clarke laughs.  
  
"Yeah" You say shaking your head. "Like a idiot i went upstairs walked in the bathroom and there's her cat on it's back under the tap like it's enjoying it. She asked me to keep massaging the soap in while she grabbed a towel and to make sure he don't get out"  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"Well it not like i had much choice is it?" you question between laugher enjoying the way Clarke's lips quirk up while her eyes quint.  
  
"I would have just walked out" Clarke admits shaking her head.  "At least i no i have no worries" Clarke says honestly her hand coming to rest around your hips while pulling you further in to her.  
  
"You never did" You say honestly.  
  
"Even with the big angry bears around us?" Clarke teases. "I was getting worried at the beginning there"  
  
"they grow on you" you say with a shrug. They had caused you no problem and even diverted there eyes else where to get on with there own night.  
  
"Well it looks like i get to walk you to your door" Clarke says through a glowing smile and you can't help but pout at her because that was the only part of the night you had prepared for.  
  
"Next time we play my game" You say grabbing your coat before grabbing Clarkes.  
  
"Deal. Lex?" Clarke says softly taking your wrist in her hand.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You look beautiful by the way" she says looking in to your green eyes. You stare at her for a moment because despite the panic of getting changed in to nice clothes if you didn't come here she wouldn't have seen them anyway because your coat was threw over them to keep you warm.  
  
"Thanks" You say barely audible as you hold one another gaze that little bit longer.  
  
\--  
  
Walking down the corridor to your apartment was like learning a baby to take there first steps, slow and careful and biding time just to make sure there is not other steps need taken. Only the real reason you both are walking down it so slow is because you don't want to part, well you certainly don't. You don't want to close the door to her and watch her leave, you don't want her making her own way back home while you think of all the events of the night, you wanted to be the one to take her and you have to admit you are a little sulky about it.  
  
"So" Clarke says i guess this is it she says biting at her bottom lip as she stands infront of you.  
  
"are you going to tell me my score board result?" you question wanting to keep her here just that little bit longer.  
  
"Well" she says through a toothy grin. "No one has ever scored quite so high" she admits twirling your fingers amongst her own. "Thank you for today Lexa" she says honestly. "i really enjoyed it" she breathes eyes connecting with your own.  
  
"Me too" you breathe nervously. You want to so bad give her that kiss. To touch those lips like you never have before, but you don't you lean forward ever so slow before giving her a lingering kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight Clarke Griffin" you say with one more kiss to her covered knuckles.  
  
"Goodnight Lexa woods" She says as you open your door and step inside. You stare at one another the whole time while the door closes until you can no longer see her, your smiles mirroring one another's. As the door clicks shut you lean against it heavily letting the loudest breath out you ever had with the tattooed smile still on your lips. You want to have a excited fit against the door and scream in excitement at how well it actually went, but you stay quiet and punch your arm in the air as you dance like a fool away from the door.  
You suddenly feel incredibly embarrassed as the knock at your doors stops you from dancing and you quickly turn your face serious and open the door like you wasn't just asking like a stupid fairy.  
  
"Clarke" you say as she's standing there looking like she's having a debait with herself.  
  
"So about this no kissing on first dates" She breathes looking from the floor to you. "Technically i took you on a date too" she tries to explain but you are already smiling and don't care what she has to say. "So this would be our se-"  
  
You shut her up as you crash your lips in to hers not caring how desperate you feel. You have thought of nothing better to do all night and god have you had a good night, you feel her hand curl around the back of your neck almost instantly as she lets a cute whine out against your lips and that only encourages you more not ready for the date to be over just yet. You pull her wordlessly in your apartment with you before kicking the door closed while proudly never breaking the kiss.  
  
  


 


	22. Chapter 22

**I Can't do this!**

 

Somehow you managed to light candles, play some music and pour two glasses of white wine before ending up exactly where you started. Kissing Clarke. Her lips do something to you no one else has ever been capable of doing, they were able to bring you to silence just looking at them but oh god having them on you was a entirely different story. Every time her lips parted yours for even a second whether it's to change angle or just to catch a breath you find yourself chasing them instantly. You have felt her smile against your lips over half a dozen times because of it, but not once has she pushed you away, instead she gives you a naughty nibble before kissing you even deeper wrapping her arms around you occasionally straying from your hips and neck to explore more of your body.  
  
"I've wanted to do this all night" She pants between kisses while changing her angle once more. Her lips are back on yours in seconds and you can feel it getting more and more heated with every seconds that passes. Your tongue finds hers with a gentle brush and stroke before hers is dominating yours with vibrating moans while you officially lose yourself.  
  
Without thinking you rock your body in to her because she does this to you. You feel every curve she owns pushed against your own and you actually fucking whimper so desperately and needy you find yourself more breathless than you've ever been as you part the kiss gripping the side of the couch. You keep your eyes closed for a moment breathing heavily as you try and work your body back down telling it to behave, because this is to fast and Clarke certainly is not ready for that yet. You feel her nuzzle your nose before giving you a soft peck against your lips.  
  
"You ok?" she questions in barely a whisper with a cute huskiness to it which had you opening your eyes instantly.  
  
"Sorry" you whisper swallowing harshly as her blue eyes are blown wide, her breathing just as heavy as yours while her hair is splayed around the pillow and god does she look cute like this, beneath you, breathless and just so beautiful. "Maybe we should slow down" You suggest and you watch her bruised wet lips turn up in to a gentle smile while her fingers play with the root of your hair.  
  
"Maybe we should" she breathes before biting her lip while you raise your brow warningly. "Sorry" she smirks instantly releasing her teeth from her lip, because she knows just as much as you, if she keeps doing that you two have no hope of slowing down. She looks at you for a moment her eyes trailing your lips as her hand comes to sooth over your jaw line. You feel your body burning like a flame at just the look and you're not entirely sure what it even means but you feel yourself turning your face ever so slightly to help her thumb sooth your skin and she looks at you adoringly because you melt in to her touch every time, honestly you never want her to stop these little things. "Is it bad I don't want to stop?" she questions eyes flickering to your lips before looking in to your green eyes you know she loves.  
  
"No" you barely breath eyes flickering aimlessly around her face as you feel your body subconsciously melt in to hers beneath you. She shouldn't be aloud to confess all these things, it does things to you, things that make you go crazy and she has barely touched you at all. The silence lingers for a moment, a moment where you think about leaning down and kissing her until you're both naked and wrapped up in bed, a moment where you can't help but feel the depth of how much you love her already, you swallow harshly because you already knew that but each time you see her you think it deepens to another level you didn't no existed and yet all you have done is kiss, share little confessions and look at one another in a way that makes you feel like you are burning more brightly than you ever have. That moment comes to a crashing end as she lifts her head from the pillow to reach for your lips ignoring your earlier objections to slow because clearly she just wants to kiss you, and kiss you she shall. She lets out a delicious humming sounds as she gives you a lingering kiss over another kiss and now you're the one smiling because you knew it was meant to be a last kiss for now, only for her to not be able to stop her temptation of kissing you again and again. You take them all kissing her back just as softly but you can't stop your smile from growing in to a full grin as she plants one after another until its impossible to kiss your lips at all.  
  
"Shut up" she mutters shyly.  
  
"I didn't say anything" You smile so wide because god you're just so happy you want to laugh.  
  
"Whatever" she says shaking her head "No more kisses for you" she grins finally gesturing you to sit up so she can sit up to. You want to point out that she would have continued if it wasn't for your stupid smile. You want to tease her that she agreed that only moments ago to only find it a little impossible, but you don't instead you smile at her with a laugh because she knows exactly what you're thinking, its why she told you to shut up to start with, but god do you love it. You reach for your glass of wine and hers and her face crinkles in disgust at the thought of drinking it but takes it none the less.  
  
"You don't have to drink it you know" You tease bringing your own glass of wine to you lips, who would have thought kissing for so long could make you thirsty.  
  
"Yes I do" she pouts while bringing the tip of the glass to her lips and taking the smallest of swigs you have ever seen. Her face scrunches up in so much disgust it looks like she just took a swig of pure vodka. "God it taste like vinegar and arse"  
  
You shamefully spurt some of your wine out your mouth at her confession as you laugh while coving your mouth with your hand while trying not to choke. "What?" You giggle mid choking and laughing at the same time. "How do you know what arse taste like?" You smirk whipping your mouth clear, you are so lady like its ridiculous.  
  
"I Don't but this would be it" she says while taking another sip with the exact same reaction. "Oh god it gets worse" She whines wiping her lips.  
  
"Stop drinking it then" you laugh. Clarke has always hated white wine, red she can drink without cringing but white was just pure disgusting.  
  
"I Can't" she says again. "You don't have anything else" she pouts and you feel just the slightest bit guilty. You had been so worried about the date, work and Bellamy your fridge was practically empty of everything, usually you stock Clarke up with beer or at least make sure you have red wine so she can at least have a glass but you never expected her to come back to yours after the date, you only ever brought one night stands back and still that was rare in itself. You watch her bite the bullet and take a larger mouthful and you can do nothing but laugh at her again while rolling your eyes.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" you question after a moment of silence. She looks at you with a furrow to her brow for a moment before placing the wine glass back on the table.  
  
"you don't need to ask" she says softly reaching her hand out for yours while snuggling in to your side.  
  
"What's your worst date?" You question wanting to know everything about her, you remember her telling you about a jock she once dated, he took her to a fine restaurant and kept picking his nose, he put her completely of her food and she moved away every time he reached for her with that exact hand, she never saw him again after that, you wouldn't either.  
  
"Worst?" she questions. "Other than nose picking boy?" she questions reading your mind.  
  
"Yeah" You grin because the thought of Clarke watching a boy pick his nose infront of her with widened eyes is pretty hilarious.  
  
"Um" She says shifting on the couch until her legs are either side of your thighs while her hand comes around your neck as you lean back on the couch. You love that she feels like she can do this when ever she wants, because you will certainly welcome it with open arms. You rest your hands on her hips instantaneously lifting her top just the slightest to feel skin on skin. "I got set up with this guy before I met Bellamy. We went to this bar, he seemed nice enough not my type but I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt" she explains while rolling her eyes "he kept checking his phone while I was talking which was getting on my nerves, eventually I looked to see what he was doing when he did it again, turns out he was checking his tinder profile while he was with me" She says shaking her head. "so I thought ok, he's a jerk I couldn't wait for it to be over, only then we started walking home and it was freezing, honestly I thought when he said he would pick me up I thought he meant in a car, not lets walk ten blocks or I would have just drove myself" She says and you feel the tip of your lips turning up as she shakes her head yet again. "Anyway was walking home and he goes its really cold, I was like yeah. Then he goes I should probably offer you my coat"  You nod because yes that is exactly what he should have done. "He didn't he said if he did that then he would be cold. Idiot"  
  
"Jerk" You say immediately.  
  
"Tell me about it. Oh and when I asked him earlier on in the night what kind of things he liked, he responded blowjobs." She says while playing with the baby hairs on the back of your neck. "He had the cheek to ask for a second date when I got home"  
  
"What did you say?" you cringe because Clarke isn't one to keep quiet.  
  
"I told him I wouldn't go on another date with him if he was the last man on earth. Oh and to get a mint because his breath stank"  
  
"What a arse" You laugh as you grip Clarke's hips a little bit tighter bringing her a little closer to you, you watch her smile as she tilts her head down at you before brushing her nose against yours just slightly.  
  
"Yeah" she says softly. "What's the time?" She questions.  
  
"2am" you say widening your own eyes. God how did time go by so quickly? How long were you making out. You have to be up in only a few hours and here you are drinking wine while holding the girl you are apparently dating. "Do you have work in the morning?"  
  
"Unfortunately, yes" she says with a twitch of the lips but her eyes don't remove for a second from your own. "I should go" she says reluctantly while you fingers still sooth her hip bone.  
  
"Stay" you find yourself saying and it feels a little like Deja vu. "its late, and you've had a few drinks" you try to reason but she's looking at you again in amusement and adoration. "Sorry" you quickly say shaking your head like a idiot, it's your first date you should never have asked her that. "I Shouldn't have said that, I didn't mean it like that" You try to explain but you feel your cheeks burning red and your mumbling just wont quit. Thankfully Clarke saves what dignity you have left as she leans forward silencing you with a lingering kiss before pulling away to look you in the eye.  
  
"I wanted you to say that" she admits with a gentle smile "because I really don't want to leave"  
  
Yep, she certainty has to stop saying these things because you are kissing her again losing yourself in soft moans, her gentle rocks and god just her lips. They are certainly something.  
  
You are not sure how long you stay on that couch kissing one another till you're a panting mess all over again, but you know one thing and one thing only. It wasn't long enough, because as you walk down the hall way in your apartment you miss the warmth of her body that it provided despite holding her hand  
  
"I guess this is you" You say turning around as you stop outside the spare room. You have no idea how you will sleep tonight, she's worked you up without doing hardly anything other than making that noise you try to push out of her every time you kiss her neck, that and how her eyes clamp shut in the most delicious most desirable of way by your efforts while her lips part teasingly.  
  
"Yeah" she says biting her bottom lip as she steps in to your personal space. She's turned on aswel, you can feel it, her breathing, her body heat, the way her eyes drop to your lips every time you speak, or do absolutely nothing at all. She reaches around you pulling the door closed which you just opened before taking small steps while pulling you with her down the hall to your bedroom. You stare at her for a moment before swallowing harshly because she's taking you to your bedroom and you are absolutely speechless.  
  
As you step in to your room clicking the door closed her eyes hasn't removed from yours once, infact you think they are looking at you more intensely than they ever have you can't help but wrap your arms around her waist bringing her close because you're not sure what this means, what she wants to happen and what lines to cross. It's your first date, maybe second and she doesn't normally kiss on first dates but yet you had her making excuses to do exactly that and now she's standing in your bedroom looking at you so softly but with a need in her eyes that you feel like you might explode.  
  
"Can I hold you?" she questions. Your knees almost give out on you but the only sign of those words turning you weak is the breath you release against Clarke's lips.  
  
"Yes" You say breathlessly your eyes flickering to her lips before back in to blue eyes.  
  
"Not like this" she says hesitantly her eyes narrowing in on you while they flicker down to your body, before back in to your eyes. You look at her confused for a moment, just a moment until her hands are at the bottom of your top gripping at the edges lifting it just slightly waiting for your permission.  
  
Your mouth is so dry you have no idea why you are swallowing at all, but something inside you comes to life because you find yourself leaning forward kissing those soft delicate lips in the most sensual way you can manage before you rise your hands in the air allowing Clarke to do as she pleases. It's a strange feeling having her peeling your clothes of before dropping it to the floor, but as you watch her eyes trail down your body and over the curve of your black bra you feel suddenly more nervous than you have ever been around her. She may have caught you before throwing a jumper over your head as you rush to get ready in the morning after a drunken night, but this is different. This is you magnified under her eye as she takes you, this is her looking at you in away of desire instead of 'hurry the fuck up' This is intimate. You swallow yet again as her gentle gaze traces over you before her finger tips brush just beneath your belly button while sprawling out to either side of your hips.  
  
"You're beautiful" she breathes eyes flickering up to yours as her finger tips trail further down to your jeans. You watch her swallow hard herself and you relax in the realisation that she's just as nervous and excited as you. You nod giving her permission as you're eyes are trained on her lips, you don't think you can look else where but as she pops the button of your jeans and you hear the zipper your heart goes in to melt down, because no she would have never seen you quite like this at all. You try to remember to breathe as she pulls your jeans down your legs while you help shuffle out of them but as she comes back up to face you, she takes your breath away anyway because her eyes are darker and she looking at you in a way that needs to words to express how she feels, but it helps all the more as she presses in to you with soft fingers and warm breaths as she places a soft kiss on your bare collar bone before placing another further along it. Your eyes closes of there own accords and you let out the most unsteady breathe you have ever released.  
  
"Costia was right" Clarke finds herself whispering to your ear before nuzzling her nose in your hair. "Your underwear is sexy" she confesses while you find your grip on her hip once more. "You're sexy" she finally says pulling away just a fraction till you're nose to nose.  "You were infront of me all this time" she says her eyes dropping your body in disbelief before soothing your jaw with her index finger. "I've been so blind" she says and its more of a pant. You look at her for a moment, like really look at her. You were wrong when you thought she couldn't get more beautiful, so very wrong. You watch her raise her own hands in the air while you look at her nervously, you know exactly what she's giving you permission to do but still you want to make sure but her smile tells you everything and so much more.  
  
So you take her clothes of just as slowly as she did yours, only you don't let your gaze falter once, you keep your eyes locked with hers as you pull her top over her head, unbutton her jeans and pull them down. You didn't think it would be a struggle but god was it. Yet you stay determined as you come back up letting your fingers sooth up her legs as you go unable to stop the smile that shapes your lips as she shudders. You've seen her in her underwear before, infact you have even undressed her many times when she has come back to yours drunk, she hated clothes she had always declared so there for she would strip down to knickers and bra and sometimes you would help.  
  
This was so fucking different though.  
  
"You're-"You stop feeling your pulse rise and your heart pound as you swallow, because never have you found the word beautiful not enough, but right now, standing here half naked while her finger sooth your jaw while her body presses in to yours you find beautiful doesn't quite cut it. She leans forward giving you a soft kiss in understanding but like every kiss you two seem to have it quickly turned to something else as you lower her down to your bed feelings every inch of her bare skin pressed against your own. "I can't stop touching you" you whimper pushing your body in to hers further as your own whimper weakens your body with the over powering want you have for Clarke.  
  
"Then don't" she says rushed before her lips are back on yours hands exploding your exposed body while leaving scratches, squeezes and nips. You feel like you are being dismantled piece by piece and studied until she know's every inch available before putting you back together better than ever before. You moan out in to the room as she flips you over and kisses down your chest before coming to your covered breast. She traces the edge of the black lace coving your boob before coming back up in a earth shattering kiss that had you rocking beneath her, god you are so wet.  
  
You toss and turn, biting and teasing while you explore one another's half naked body but you never stray beneath the still covered skin. You're not sure how long you kept at it for, but you know you feel so sexually frustrated you're ready to combust, but still it was enough you think as you turn to face Clarke fully who's eyes are drifting down in the most tired of ways. You smile feeling wide awake, despite knowing you will have to be up soon because she's in your bed holding you just as tight as you're holding her, you smile because this is a dream becoming reality and no dream has ever compared and yet all you did was explore.  
  
"You're beautiful" you whisper against her lips. She flickers her eyes open before letting them fall closed again with a soft hum of acknowledgement. It only makes you smile grow with a quiet laugher before you lean forward to capture her lips in a gentle peck. "Night" you hum snuggling even closer in to her.  
  
Your underwear is drenched, your body is on fire, you have left a hickey along Clarke's collar bone which you cant stop looking at while at the same time you know you shouldn't have done anyway, and for the first time in god knows how long you feel more happy than you ever have. You close your eyes ready to fall asleep with a smile on your face.  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP.  
  
Your eyes fly open with a furrow to your brow as your turn around and look at your glowing alarm clock reading 6:30am.  
  
"You have got to be kidding me!" You mutter dropping you head back on the pillow suddenly feeling more exhausted knowing you won't be sleeping at all.  
  
"urgh" Clarke huffs at the sound having only just fell asleep "Turn it of" she moans in to your neck.  
  
"It time to get up" you say regrettably while Clarke's eyes barely fly open at all to give you a what the fuck you talking about look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So writing didn't go as plan on Friday! ;D  
> Here you are though, just for you guys, thank you for all the lovely comments.  
> Let me know what you are thinking so far, there are a few milestones to reach for these two before it comes to a end but i'd say three chapters? Unless there is something you would want me to write or add before it ends :) I'm seriously winging it from this point on


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there is Clexa in the story but I wanted to show different bits to them aswel so I involved just a little more of their lives.

I can't do this!

 

Monday mornings are officially the worst. How you managed to drag your sorry arse out of bed is beyond you as you drink what feels like your seventh cup of coffee. Honestly you don't think caffeine actually works and you never have but today you drink it anyway in hope it will give you that kick in the butt because god, all you want to do is roll up in bed and never wake again. Your eyes are sore, body heavy with a dull ache while your brain seems to be lost in pointless day dreams, all while this coffee is doing nothing but make you pee more than you ever have.  
  
"These are the terms we are willing to settle on"  
  
You really shouldn't yawn while in a important meeting with a client, but your body betrays you like always as your mouth stretches so wide it feels like its grown. You fly your hand over your mouth trying to tame it the best you can but find you fail miserably as you take the contract handed to you from across the table.  
  
"It seems we are keeping Miss Woods awake"  
  
Your eyes quickly flicker up to the lawyer sitting opposite you with his smug comment. You quickly decided to not bite back and just give him your signature smirk before diverting your eyes back down to the contract scanning over it briefly before sliding it over to your client. Your smirk stays fixed because you cant be bothered with people that want to make snide comments like you don't take your job serious especially from people that think they are top notch while sitting there in a cheap suit while hoping nobody would notice. You clasp your hands together resting them on the table infront of you while speaking directly to him.  
  
"Sorry about that" you say smirk still in place. "However if you would stop wasting my time and my clients that wouldn't have happened" You say looking down at him. "Instead you somehow think your in a position to demand terms you are willing to settle on." You furrow your brow at him wondering where he was taught law. "You have no grounds, infact you know just as well as me if this goes to court you will lose, your client has committed Adultery" You say turning to Mr Wilkinson before turning to your own client with a bigger smirk. Mrs Wilkinson had came in to your office personally and asked for you to take on her case, and despite you telling her you don't perform in that specific area, she didn't care, she wanted you because you were a woman and she had heard from a friend how you fort tooth and nail for them. So you agreed after seeing how desperate she wanted you, and after creating your case against Mr Wilkinson, you thought this was one of the easiest cases you have ever done and you enjoyed it just that little more because her husband thought money could buy anything away, only this time it couldn't.  
  
"These are our terms" You say pulling out a small file and sliding it across the glass table. "I would strongly advice you to sign the bottom of that paper Mr Wilkinson" you say turning to him directly "if your lawyer suggest other wise I would seriously consider finding another lawyer" You say standing to your feet as Mrs Wilkinson does that same.  "You have twenty four hours to decide if not, I'll see you in the court room"  
  
You walk out wordlessly leaving the two gentlemen in the conference room.  
  
"Do you think he will sign it?" Mrs Wilkinson questions you as you approach your office.  
  
"If he has a brain. He doesn't have much choice" you say as her eyes come to life with hope for the future.  
  
"I can't thank you enough" She says clutching her bag tightly in one hand as it looks like she wants to hug you.  
  
"Seeing him get what he deserves is enough" you say with a gentle nod.  
  
"Thank you" she says one last time before heading towards the lift.  
  
You breathe out a heavy breath of exhaustion as you push your office door open and collapse on the couch finally closing your eyes like they have been longing to do. How the heck did you and Clarke lose track of time so badly last night?  
  
"Miss woods Mr cater would like to see you" echoes from your intercom.  
  
"urgh five minutes!" You whine in to the empty room. You groan and moan, and slouch and pout until you are walking out your office and to one of your bosses offices with barely a straight posture at all. Shoot me please.  
  
"Mr Carter" you say plastering a fake smile on your face like you weren't just wishing someone would kidnap you for a few hours just for a bit of peace. All you want to do is go to sleep and be able to take five minutes to reflex on last night, but apparently that's to much to ask for.  
  
\----

"You look like Godzilla and king Kong's love child" Costia comments as you step in to the small corner café and take a seat opposite her.  
  
"I feel like shit" you whine hands finally coming to cover your face like you have wanted all day.  
  
"Somehow I think shit would be complementing you right now" Costia says with a scrunched up face. "That breath" Costia says with exaggeration. "God, it smells like deaths enemy"  
  
"What's deaths enemy?" You frown wondering how that even makes sense as you remove your hands from your face.  
  
"Hell do I know, but your breath would defiantly be it" she says with a nod like its a fact. "What the hell did Clarke do to you in one night? One minute your happy as Larry, now you look like road kill"  
  
"Ok. Ok. I get it" you say snatching your coffee from the table that has proven to not work one bit all day. "I look terrible I know" You say through a yawn.  
  
"So what happened?" she questions looking at you for a second with widened eyes. "Oh I know did she sleep with you then bolt?" she question with shocked eyes. "Or did she realise she wants Bellamy after all?" she questions. "Oh! did she find out she was pregnant?" Costia questions quickly firing one after another. "or worse! is she not clean down there? was she smelly? that's gross"  
  
"What!" You say with narrowed eyes. "No. No. Clarke did nothing wrong" You quickly say shaking your head as you think of blonde hair and blue eyes for longer than a few seconds for the first time that day. Your lips turn up as you remember her nervously standing infront of you with nothing but a bra and knickers on while you wore the same.  
  
"So you just look like a homeless person for fun?" Costia questions nodding her head but failing to understand why. "Cool" she says awkwardly while stirring her cup.  
  
"Shut up you idiot" you say hitting her across the arm while rolling your arms. She is such a idiot but the things she says always has you smiling, laughing or just thinking she s completely ridiculous you think its why you like her around so much, because she's so intolerable while being tolerable. It's weird. "I haven't slept"  
  
"Ah so you got your grove on" she smirks wiggling her eye brows.  
  
"No" you laugh while shaking your head. "We just ended up staying up, talking and making out a little" You shrug suddenly feeling yourself become shyer while talking about your night with Clarke. Everything about it was perfect even if Clarke was making it extremely difficult to keep things at a slow pace, because you certainly lost count on how many times you wanted to pull the last piece of her remaining clothes from her skin.  
  
"You are such a sap" Costia laughs after a moment of silence while looking at you in away that says she's happy things turned out good for you.  
  
"I know" you laugh. "and I don't even care" you say because honestly you really don't. Clarke's pale skin is fresh in your mind, her kisses are warm on your lips and honestly you don't even know how you will cope not seeing her tonight. That's really pathetic isn't it? "With her everything feels different"  
  
"How do you mean?"  
  
"I don't know. I guess I think more" You say scratching your cup. "With other people I never really think, I just do and what happens just happens, but with her I don't want that. I want everything to happen because she wants it to happen, not because we get drunk hook up and its suddenly a big mistake."  
  
"She won't feel that"  
  
"I know" you say because every time you see Clarke she convinces you each time she's not joking around, her eyes tell you this isn't a phase, while her words tell you more than you could possibly have hoped for. "I Just don't want to fuck up" You confess because that's all you're good at doing.  
  
"She loves you aswel you know" Costia says through a soft smile but despite your smile you shake your head.  
  
"She's not there yet" you say knowing she can't possibly be.  
  
"One day Lexa woods you will open your eyes and see what I see" Costia informs you before taking a warm sip from her cup. "You two looked more than in love at the bonfire"  
  
\----  
  
You should go home and sleep the night away and recharge yourself ready for tomorrow. That's what you should do, however after leaving Costia you found yourself in your local Chinese take away ordering Clarke's favourite food aswel as your own. You over think what you are doing because, you don't want to come across to keen or to obsessive but eventually you reason that she isn't only the girl you are dating but she's one of your best friends too and this is what you would do if you wasn't dating her at all, well kind of because part of you just really needs to see her after last night. She told you this morning while looking just as tired as you that she has a new artist coming in to work with, she told you she also has to get a move on with her own project before the next charity event in her gallery. She told you all this while her arms were wrapped around you sleepily before giving you a kiss goodbye, but all you wanted to do was take the day off and pull her back to bed with you because you couldn't think of anything worse than not seeing her after such a incredible night.  
  
When you push the gallery door open you can't help but shake your head in annoyance that she has left it unlocked once again while working out back. You had tried warning her repeatedly what could happen, you even scolded her one night while you were out because it was so careless and you were more than worried, but she had just smiled at you while biting on the edge of her straw with those blue eyes looking at you adoringly. You can't remember what happened after that.  
  
"Clarke?" You say pushing the back room door open before stepping in to her work area.  
  
"Lexa?" She says a little surprised before she's smiling at you. "What are you doing here?" she questions more happily than literally three seconds ago as she puts her paintbrush down.  
  
"Food" you say holding the bag in the air as you make your way over to her. "I know how you forget to eat."  
  
"You're one to talk" she grins but all you can see is the blue paint wiped across her nose.  
  
"True" You admit placing the back on the small wooden table she has before sitting on the small couch she has in the corner. You feel her eyes on you the entire time and honestly you put effort in to not looking up in to those blue eyes once again, because you're already nervous as hell. "How's your project going?" You question while pulling the plastic containers from the bag and placing them on the table.  
  
"Better than I thought" she says her voice sounding a lot closer than only moments ago, as you turn to look at her you realise she's already beside you finding the comfort in the couch. "that is actually my second piece" She says proudly taking the container from the table that she knows is hers. You turn to face her with raised eyebrows because Clarke has been known to take months on just one piece while throwing many away in the process because it wasn't right or she just didn't get it. 'How can other people get itif the artist herself doesn't?' She had asked you once in a huff and you came up blank while shrugging lamely. You'd watched her throw her piece of work in the bin after that and you kept quite the entire time after with nothing else to say, you figured it was best as you didn't get art anyway. "Apparently I'm full of inspiration" she says through a nervous smile but you're sure she's blushing, which has you smiling goofily with your own blush too.  
  
"Really?" You say playfully. "Any reason?"  
  
"One or two" she says handing you the plastic folk letting her fingers brush yours as you take it. You catch her gaze for a moment, a moment where you are both smiling with a soft blush to your cheeks, a moment where you let her unspoken words take hold of your heart because you gave her that inspiration. You eat in silence looking at one another and everything about it should be uncomfortable but its not. "So are you going to tell me why you're really here?" she questions with confidence. Your eyes flick up to hers for just a moment before its on your Chinese food once more, suddenly not wanting to shove it in your mouth but rather play with it instead.  
  
"You said you were busy tonight" You find yourself saying as you continue to pat your food with the folk. "and I wanted to see you" You say biting your own bottom lip because you're already grinning through your lameness and you feel just a tad like a idiot.  
  
"So you ignored my busy schedule for your own needs?" she says. Your head snaps up quickly with furrowed brows before your cheeks are burning red.  
  
"No, I mean that's not why" you stutter shaking your head. "I have work too" You say quickly.  
  
"I'm kidding" She says shuffling closer to you with a wide smile. "I'm glad you came"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Defiantly" she whispers eyes flickering to your plump lips. "Especially after our date last night" She says her fingers coming to trace down your jaw line. It's a habit you find her doing more than not that you are sure she's unaware when she's doing it herself. You swallow harshly because your mouths dry and she's looking at you so delicately while you know she's thinking about you in your underwear from last night.  
  
"So a second date is on the table?" You question your eyes aimlessly darting to hers.  
  
"Date three you mean" she smirks biting her bottom lip which instantly has you hypnotised, you know she notices because she's smirking even wider as she nibbles in to her skin. "I'm looking forward to it already" she breathes letting her breath linger on your lips and you have absolutely no clue to what she has just said. "Lexa" She says breaking you from your trance as she nudges your nose. "Are you going to kiss me or stare at my lips all night?" she asks cheekily while bringing the red tint back to your lips.  
  
"Sorry" You mutter while scolding yourself for even saying that to start with "Yes" You say trying to say yourself only to scold yourself again. "I mean-" You stop yourself talking all together because you're a rambling idiot with no brain, and at this rate you think it would be a incredible idea to get rid of your tongue. Somehow, but some miracle you find your cool before she full on laughs at you and capture her lips so softly that your eyes full shut on the first touch. Kissing her is like winning the lottery, you are sure of it.  
  
"I love how you ramble" She hums against your lips as she kisses you back, her fingers come to rest on the base of your neck as she pulls you in deeper and closer. You can't even be bothered to curse yourself because her lips have you feeling all fuzzy and warm that you can just about remember your own name.  
  
"as much as I really want to continue this" she whispers pulling away to rest her forehead on yours "I really do need to work" she says regrettably as her your eyes flicker open to meet hers. "You're more than welcome to stay though"  
  
"i'll wait" you say swallowing more softer than you have since you laid eyes on her, because after she's finished you get to spend some much needed time together.  
  
"Ok" she says pecking your lips once more while reluctantly pulling herself of the couch. "Ill be working" she says through a smile, she struggled to pull her gaze away from your own as she stands up and heads back to her canvas and stool, and every inch of you wants to scream with excitement.  
  
After what feels like forever watching her you pull your computer out from your bag and try focusing on working yourself. You had shared looks and soft smiles at one another repeatedly while Clarke gave you the look to stop staring because you're way to distraction, you couldn't help but laugh before deciding to get to work yourself yet as the laptop screen came to life work couldn't have been further from your mind, infact you wasn't even sure what work you were about to be working on, you only knew that you had to try to at least distract yourself because you were turning to a right sappy fuck. It's not your fault you tell yourself, I mean how can it be? She's sitting there in a red and blue flannel shirt with that cute little furrow to her brow she does when she's focused. It most certainly is not your fault, especially while her hair is tied up on top of her head with nothing more than a clip showing her beautiful slender neck that you love to kiss and you're certain she loves it too.   
  
"I can feel you staring at me" Clarke says without turning your way.   
  
"Sorry" you find yourself muttering as your eyes quickly fix back on the bright screen infront of you, but you see the tilt of her lips move up in the corner of your eyes and suddenly you're staring all over again. Bad Lexa.   
  
Eventually you slowly get your shit together and stop acting like you have a dick in your pants with it constantly hard. You manage to get some work done and fix a entire case together based on information you already have, all while Clarke has been sitting at the same stall painting away. At some point you had started playing music quietly on YouTube which earned you another beautiful smile from Clarke before she started singing along to the music. No matter what you do, no matter how much you try and distract your mind you still find yourself looking over to Clarke repeatedly, how she curved the brush so delicately, how she bit her lip as she dipped her brush in more paint, you even felt your smile grow in amusement as she tilted her head side ways to look at her own painting, as if she was searching for what it was trying to tell her. You had only watched her work once, but it was different it wasn't where you constantly had your eye on her, it wasn't after a night where you saw her almost naked while she panted breathlessly against your lips while running her fingers down your spine until she found your butt. It wasn't when she fell asleep in your arms a tangled mess while her underwear was soaked.   
  
Head out the gutter Lexa.   
  
For the first time that night you're glad her eyes aren't on you as you shake your head trying to rid your mind of such sinful thoughts while she's trying to work. It seems to be a constant while she's around and she certainly doesn't make it any easier on you. You think she likes it when you squirm especially if her smile is anything to go by.   
  
"I think I'm done" Clarke says after what feels like forever. You're already laying out on her sofa with the computer on the ground. She stretches her entire body as she stands from the stool to finally come out from the world she's just been living in to look at you, her smile grows instantly.   
  
"Tired?" she questions stepping closer towards you.  
  
Tired doesn't even come close.   
  
"Little" you confess although you think you feel worse than a dead person right about now.   
  
"You didn't have to stay here you know" she says placing her bum on the edge of the couch as her fingers reach out to trace down your tired face.   
  
"I wanted to" You mumble your eyes feel so heavy you might actually pass out. "I liked this" you breathe sleepily.   
  
"Starring at me?" she teases with a hint of a laugh. "did you really have work to do?"   
  
"Well it needed doing, just not right now" You admit blushing under her amused gaze.   
  
"So what you're saying is, you just really, really, really wanted to see me" She teases playing with your fingers.   
  
"Three is abit extreme, two will do" You say shaking your head which makes her laugh while you find your lips turning up anyway. You pull yourself in to a sitting position having her only a few inches away from you. "This means today I get to take you home" You say proudly.   
  
"If you think I'm letting you drive, you're insane" she laughs edging her bum closer to you on the chair. "Come on I'll drive you" she says helping you up from the chair.   
  
"I'm fine Clarke" You try to convince her but she's not having any of she only shakes her head before switching of the lights and pulling you out the building.   
  
\---  
  
"You don't have to walk me to my door" You object although your hold on her hand hasn't released since you stepped out the car.   
  
"i thought it would be best" she says turning to you "i don't want you knocking on the wrong door, or worse sleeping in the hall" she teases because you totally fell asleep in the car and despite denying it profoundly she just gives you the look as in come on really? You're playing that card?  
  
"I could manage" You argue as you both step in the lift while the door closes.  
  
"I'm sure you could" she says. "Call it piece of mind" She argues as she reaches out for your other hand too. "I enjoyed tonight" She admits.  
  
"We didn't do anything" You state but honestly you liked it too, it felt very domestic.   
  
"I know" she says bringing you closer "it was just nice. Felt like another date"   
  
"You can't just keep skipping dates" you tease "If you want to kiss me just say" You smirk and the sound of her laugh tells you, you've made the right move. You're normally so confident and more forward with other woman, its how you charm and seduce but with Clarke its different she makes you hold back and honestly more nervous than you've ever felt in your life, you hate it but you love it all at once because its so new. Yet you bite the bullet this time swallowing before looking at her carefully. "Clarke"   
  
"Yeah?" Clarke questions her eyes softening as she notices your seriousness.   
  
"The other day you said we're dating" You say looking between you before flickering your eyes back to her. "is that exclusively or not?" You question twitching your lip to the side.   
  
"Well do you want to date other people?" Clarke questions eyeing you more carefully than only seconds ago.   
  
"No" You answer easily.   
  
"Me neither" she says squeezing your fingers gently giving you answer enough.   
  
"Good" you say  
  
"Good" she grins biting her lip as she's already pulling you closer until you feel the warm press of her lips against yours.   
  
"Holy shit! It's totally true!" Clarke pulls away from your lips quickly turning to the exit of the lift to see the doors already open.   
  
There stands Raven holding a twinkie while gawking at you in shock.   
  
"No fucking way!" she mutters. "Did i get hit by a fucking bus because i did not see this one coming!"   
  
You turn to look at Clarke who turns to look at you too, and all you can think about is how tired you are to even have this conversation.   
  
"Raven" Clarke finally says snapping out of her shock. "Why are you here?"   
  
"Well that's rude" She deadpans taking another bite of her Twinkie   
  
"That not how what i meant" Clarke says frustrated. "You know what i mean"   
  
"i knew you split from Bell boy but i never knew why!" She says looking to you before turning back to her best friends. "bitch you could have told me!" she says more offended she was one of the last to know. "So you're like a total rug muncher now?" she questions full of amusement as your eyes widen.   
  
"Raven!" Clarke snaps hitting her friend with more force then she's ever hit you.   
  
"Ouch!" She moans. "Be careful the Twinkie!"   
  
"You won't have a dam Twinkie in a minute"  
  
"Why you going to eat it?" Raven smirks. "Heard you like cream now" She laughs already getting ready to protect herself as Clarke throws her another blow.   
  
"Dick!"   
  
"You don't like them anymore" Raven continues through laugher.   
  
You do nothing but roll your eyes as you walk past them with a amused smile on your lips. You unlock your apartment door before turning to face the two girls still at it.  
  
"Come on Lez be honest, that was a good one" Raven crackles her hand protecting her body left right and centre as Clarke struggles to resist laughing while smacking Raven unconvincingly.   
  
"Are you two coming in?" You finally ask through your own amused toothy smile.   
  
"Sure. Sure!" Raven quickly says scrabbling away from Clarke while biting through the remaining of her Twinkie. "Don't worry lex as her best friend i swear ill always pretend to be her lesbian lover when she is getting hit on by a ugly ass hole in a bar"  
  
"What if they are good looking?" you find yourself laughing as you close the door.   
  
"Please. You're totally hot, Clarke's punching, i would even do you and I'm as straight as a cucumber"   
  
"Raven!" Clarke snaps.  
  
"Cucumbers are a little bent" You say stupidly which earns you a scroll from Clarke because out of all that that's what you got.   
  
"Oh yeah, i suppose they are" Raven says flashing you a wink, which has Clarke chasing her around the sofa.   
  
You would think Clarke would know by now Raven literally thrives of winding people up, yet she takes the bait every time.   
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think they are totally ready to get laid!? What do you think?


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst at this stuff give me angst any day ;)

**I can't do this!**

 

"You have to wear it Lexa!"  
  
"For what purpose?" You cringe pulling at the woolly Christmas jumper. "It itches"   
  
"because its Christmas" Clarke says through a excited grin while hanging more tinsel on the tree. You on the other hand stare down at your jumper like a idiot trying to decide what's worse, the fact that's it pink the ultimate worse colour in world, or because it has a huge reindeer on it with a 3D nose. "Do you have some evil vendetta against Christmas?" Clarke questions watching you.   
  
"I just think Christmas is for kids" You shrug finally looking away from the mess of a jumper you are wearing. "and I don't have any"   
  
"It's not just for kids" She says moving closer until her arms wrap naturally around your neck while yours naturally rest on her hips. Its been almost seven weeks since you went on your first date but still having her like this is something you don't think you can get use to. "We don't have to go work, there's lots of booze, loads of food, presents, we don't have to rush out of bed" She says the last one with a wide grin knowing it will catch your attention the most.   
  
"Sounds fun" You confess suddenly as her lips are completely drawing you in.   
  
"It does doesn't it" She says moving her lips just that little bit closer to yours until you find your lost with only her lips to bring you back. You nod because what else is there to say, you're not even sure you can speak anyway. Honestly you don't hate Christmas, you just don't enjoy it as much as Clarke but when you told her your thoughts of Christmas she generally looked offended. When the first of December rolled around she knocked on your door with a advent calendar telling you to find the correct date each day before eating the chocolate, you didn't bother telling her you've had one before and know exactly what to do because watching her was just to adorable, but what you loved even more was she left hers at yours too.   
  
On the fourteenth of December she had casually called you her girlfriend during a conversation while nagging you to get a tree. (No girlfriend of mine will not have a Christmas tree) You tried to act completely normal, play it cool and all that but unfortunately your brain still continues to malfunction when she's around, so you couldn't stop how your eyes widened while looking at her even harder to make sure you heard right. Thankfully she ignored your stare while smiling straight infront of her but when you finally managed to continue your conversation before clearing your throat she finally turned and smiled the brightest smile you had ever seen while she took your hand in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze. Obviously you went and brought a Christmas tree the next day much to her amusement.   
  
"Clarke" You breath the anticipation growing to much. You've noticed she's a tease, the biggest one you have ever come across, or maybe its just because you've never wanted anyone like her.   
  
"Yes Lexa" She says her lips inching closer as her fingers play with your baby hairs on your neck. Her eyes shift to your lips for a split second before her eyes are on yours once more. If you lean closer she's only going to move back with a smirk before inching her lips closer to yours again, so you wait not so patiently because you have come to realise Clarke loves to be in control, and she's sexy with it too.   
  
Slowly but surely her lips brush against yours when she knows you cant say anything else. You feel her smirk briefly against your lips while you smile yourself because she does that every time. It still amazes her how someone so strong and intimidating can practically melt just by the touch of her lips but before you have time to think about it anymore her smirks gone and her tongue is dominating yours while pushing you backwards until your back hits the couch. She takes your breath away quicker than ever as she nips and sucks on your bottom lip before her lips are trailing a desperate line down your neck before sucking on your pulse point.   
  
"Oh god" You moan out your eyes falling shut as your head pushes back. You grip anything you can of her pulling her body more firmly in to you despite knowing its not the best idea because she heightens everything. You shouldn't be this wet this quickly from a kiss, but you are you just need her closer. As her tongue twirls on your pulse point teasingly her hand is pushing your jumper up till her hands exploring your bare skin. You want to show her your dominant side, you want to show her how strong you can be while flipping her beneath you and taking her how you have fantasised more times then you can count. You want to strip her down bare until she's panting your name and begging you to touch her, you want her gripping the bed sheets as she comes undone while leaving a trail of scratches down your back.   
  
"You. are. so. sexy." she husks in your ear before nipping on your ear lobe. Your eyes open to meet darkened blue eyes while panting just as heavy as you before she's kissing you again only more sensual this time. Her tongue slowly twirling around yours giving you the time to taste and savour her as your hand slides in her blonde locks. You don't even realise your body is rocking in to hers until she rocks right back making you whimper against her lips.   
  
"You drive me crazy" You find yourself mumbling against her lips while kissing her harder. You don't think about it as you toss her beneath you until you're falling of the couch with a thud, neither of you winch or even separate, instead the kiss quickens as you grind harder in to her until she's gasping against your lips pulling you harder in to her to get more friction.   
  
It's not the first time you've both lost yourself in a kiss, infact it seems it happens more often than not as of lately. Not that you're complaining of course but your sexual frustrations are pretty much on the floor at this point begging to be touched because your own hand isn't cutting it anymore. Yet it seems you have your sensible head on again because you don't want to make love to Clarke for the first time on your front room floor. Reluctantly you pull from the kiss after kissing her one last time again, and again until you're breathing out a frustrated sigh against her lips.   
  
"You have seriously no idea what you're doing to me" You breathe eyes flickering open as you hover above her nearly nose to nose. She laughs at you, but you notice her eyes darken as her hand plays with the root of your hair looking at you in a way to say 'really? I'm beneath you!' You kiss her one more time because its just those darn lips fault, to appealing for their own good.   
  
"I have you a Christmas present" She says biting at her bottom lip even though you constantly tell her not to do that.   
  
"I have you one too" You grin because you had discussed not getting either a present because when asked what you would like, you both refused to answer like children and said nothing, even if you really had a long list of wants.   
  
"That's naughty" She says her mouth dropping open with playful eyes. "You would have made me feel guilty if I didn't get you something"  
  
"So would you have" You smirk while both getting to your feet holding one another in some way.   
  
"Fair point" she grins. "I'll let you off this once" She hums kissing your lips before making her way over to her bag and pulling out a small present. "I may have got you a few more too but I wanted to ease you in with this one first" She says sneakily while putting the first of your presents under the tree. You resist the urge to hold her down and tickle her because she's simply naughty. Instead you shake your head because it's totally Clarke.  
  
"I may have got more than one for you two" You confess and you're not sure you're shaking your head at her or yourself anymore for being a big bowl of fluff.   
  
"Lexa Woods!" She scolds playfully  
  
"Clarke Griffin" You say just as enthusiastic but before you know it your arms are around her again and she's looking at you adoringly.   
  
"I thought you didn't do Christmas" She teases.   
  
"Well my girlfriend Is to predictable, I knew you wouldn't stick to your word" You say. It's the first time you have called her your girlfriend back since she said it last week, but it feels right in your mouth and even better because its silenced her while she's looking at you with her big blue eyes.   
  
"I like the sound of that" she finally confesses forgetting all about presents.   
  
"Me too" You breathe before leaning forward to kiss her sweet lips. "so where are all these presents?" you question curiously. "Christmas is tomorrow you know!"   
  
"In that car. I'll just go get them" She says springing out your arms as you watch her bounce excitedly to the door.   
  
What was only moments ago a empty Christmas tree quickly became full of presents as Clarke had brought you twelve, while you have got her nine. You rolled your eyes at her as she smirked for getting you more.   
  
"What have you got me?" she questions after staring at the different shaped gifts with questioning eyes.   
  
"You have to wait and see" You laugh as she begins feeling up the presents.   
  
"Can I have one now?" She questions like a young child would with their mother.   
  
"No" You laugh. "Put it back" You say grabbing the present from her and putting it in its rightful place under the tree trying to best to avoid the pout she's giving you.  
  
"No fun" She whines slumping back on the couch as you do the same bringing one another closer naturally.   
  
"Drink your eggnog" You grin taking a swig of your own. Clarke made you make this and you honestly don't think you have tasted anything worse in your life but because you put blood tears and sweat in to it, Clarke can drink every last bit.   
  
"I should really get going" She says looking at the clock. You had asked her to stay on more than one occasion but she had turned the offer down reluctantly because her parents would be coming around early in the morning like they do every year. You had met them once months ago and didn't think much of either of them Abby was what you would explain as stuck up just because of her doctor title, while Jake barely said anything at all which in your opinion makes him just as bad. How they got a daughter like Clarke, you don't know but you're thankful everyday for it.   
  
"I don't want you to go" You say while standing up with her. You wanted to spend the holiday season with her and only her. You know you're being selfish because she will be around right after but its not the same.   
  
"I'll be back tomorrow" She says that makes everything fine. It doesn't but you follow her to the door anyway because you know she has to go.  
  
"Call me soon as you wake up" She orders biding time by the door as she turns to face you.   
  
You kiss her because you miss her already, because you don't want her to go, because she's your girlfriend. You kiss her because you love her.   
  
"I will" You mumble resting your forehead against hers.   
  
"See you tomorrow" she says while her arms are still around you as she kisses your lips again.   
  
You watch her leave and only close the door when she steps in the lift at the end of the hall. Christmas stops feeling like Christmas the moment the doors closed and all you're left with is a lit up Christmas tree with a bunch of presents signed to you. You reach down and pick one up to read the label.  
'

To Lexie Loo!  
Happy Christmas!  
Love from Your Girlfriend ;) xx  


Your smile is there the second you read it as you look to see if the rest are like that too. They all are. Even when she's not here you are shaking your head at her because she's making you smile and feel all these warm things that are so new yet addictive. She's right about you, you think because you're normally such a hard person, your job requires it and you stand straight no matter where you go with your head up, but when Clarke's around your as good a gummy bear. Not at all intimidating and infact quite cute.   
When you hear the familiar three knocks on the door a few minutes later you put the present back under the Christmas tree before pulling the door open knowing exactly who it will be. You look at her confused for a moment wondering if she's forgotten something.  
  
"I can't do this" She says her eyes looking intensely in yours.   
  
"Can't do what?" You question with a furrow to your brow, its not healthy how your heart feels like its pounding.   
  
"Pretend I'm not aching for you" She says softly stepping just that little bit closer making your mouth go dry as you can't take your eyes of her. "I can't pretend anymore" she breathes heavily as her eyes flicker to your lips. "I want all of you Lex" she breathes making your stomach do summersaults. "God I want you so much" she confesses as you swallow hard. Your eyes flicker to her lips before back in to her blue eyes before you're pressing her against the door frame kissing her like you've never done before, because she wants you, and god you want her, you've always wanted her. You feel Clarke's breath being taken away as her arms wrap around you neck pulling you in as her moans vibrate against your lips.  
  
"I want you" she confesses again against your lips as you pull her in your apartment slamming the door closed without a second look. Her words, her confessions just everything has something snapping in you till you're taking control and pulling her to your bedroom with tugs, and nips and teasing kisses while shoving her against one wall to another as you stumble on your way. You smile and laugh as you hit things on the way, not caring enough to stop because all you can focus on it having her, and her having you. When you finally pass through your bedroom door your lips finally part as she looks at you and you look at her because this is actually happening.  
  
After months of crushing on her and seeing her with another, after all your dates and little confessions, after all your make out session and not so discreet grinding, here you are finally giving one another everything. You feel breathless but incredible all at once as her fingers slowly raise your jumper. Her lips are mere inches from yours but she's watching you, taking in every inch of skin that slowly gets revealed.   
  
"Are you sure?" You question. Its the only time you will ask it but you need to just once. It's her first time with a woman and you know she's scared because its not something she's done before where as you're more than experienced.  
  
She kisses you softly for confirmation. It's enough to have you raising your hands in the air for her to pull the jumper of completely.   
  
"Guide me" She says against your lips before her eyes are roaming down your body and unbuttoning your jeans.  
  
Having someone take your clothes of has never felt so exhilarating and passionate before, you're not sure if its how she looks at you when she pulls away from your lips or the way her finger tips trail down your bare skin leaving goose bumps on its way. But when your back finally hits your cold bed sheets, everything feels surreal as she climbs above you, her eyes trailing lovingly over your features until they land on your eyes.   
  
"Can I take these of?" Clarke questions more nervously as she gestures to your final pieces of underwear. You swallow thickly as you nod. You have both seen one another in underwear on more than one occasion, infact you were left in your underwear more often than clothes when ever she came around but this was something different. This was her seeing you bare, completely naked and it pulled a nervousness out of your body that you've never felt before, So much so you toss her beneath you to gain your confidence back while trying mentally to talk your self back to the confident woman you know you are.   
  
You kiss her deeply tasting her tongue against yours as her hand slips in your long brown locks. The moan that vibrates in your mouth has your body going crazy as you kiss her harder because god you have never had a woman beneath you so beautiful, so sexy. You realise you're shamefully wet already  as you part from the kiss and look in to darkened blue eyes her body rocking beneath you for urgency of a touch or something. Wordlessly you reach behind your own back and unclasp your bra until you feel it loosen. When she realises what you are doing her eyes flicker down to your loose bra strap for just a second before she's looking back at you, you know she's nervous but her bodies telling you she just can't wait any longer so it doesn't surprise you when you feel her slender fingers pulling your straps off your shoulder and down your arms until its off completely. Trying to Calm your beating heart just feels completely pointless at this stage especially as she's taking more in of your body than she ever has.  
  
"These" She says through a croaked voice. She doesn't look away from you once as her fingers slip beneath the material of your thong while she pulls them down until you shuffle them the rest of the way of. You've never had someone look at you so soft before, telling a story more meaningful than words ever could. "You've beautiful" She confesses as her fingers trail the length of your jaw line bringing your lips closer until you can practically taste one another. She's hypnotising you tell yourself as your eyes flicker from her blue eyes to her pink lips. "Do you want me Lexa?" she questions through a husk her top lip ever so slightly brushing against your bottom lip teasingly making you yearn for a kiss. You nod because your voice has gone, your body is weak and quite honestly you can't tear your eyes from her lips. She puts you out your misery as she brushes her lips against yours in the sweetest of ways until you are tasting her all over again, hearing all the sinful noises you could listen to all day.   
  
Her hands are everywhere, with lips desperately kissing every inch of skin she can before there finding your lips like they're still her favourite. You can all but whimper letting your head drop as she worships your body while waiting for her to flip you any moment beneath her. Only when her hand trails South between your bodies finding your sensitive spot does your head jolt up from kissing her collar bone. You watch her eyes express surprises as she slips her fingers between your folds for the first time soaking her fingers instantly but your eyes fall closed at such a simple touch while your lips part. You're not sure if you can hold yourself up above her if she carries on.   
  
"You're so wet" she says a little disbelieving as she looks between your body while pulling her hand from the place you need her the most. "Wow" she says like looking was for confirmation because her hands touching you again as she's looking at you even softer with a hint of nervousness. You reach down and kiss her lips because you don't need to tell her this is what she does to you, you don't need to tell her it only takes a simple kiss and you've been like that every time she's around. You explore her mouth further moaning in to her mouth as her fingers continue to rub through your wetness and around your clit teasingly, you arch your neck as she does it again only faster this time but her other hand has other plans as she's pulling the back of your neck until your kissing her harder again, only parting to pant against her lips as your moans become more regular. Her fingers slip in so easily that at first you don't notice until she starts up a rhythm.   
  
"Clarke" You whine your eyes crunching closed before opening them with effort to look down at her. She's holding you close watching every little reaction you give, every gasp, every loud moan, every curse as your eyes crunch close before their opening in disbelief again. She just kisses you, holding you closer so she can feel your breath against her lips.   
  
"Babe" She whispers biting on your bottom lip as your eyes flicker open with effort while her fingers pump in to you with a quick curl.   
  
"Y-" You pause feeling the breath being ripped out your lungs with a jolt of pleasure. "Yes" You try again gripping in to her blonde locks while trying to keep your body hovering above hers.   
  
"Look at me" she says pulling at your neck once more till your foreheads press together. She curls her fingers again making your eyes clamp closed once more before pulling them back open. Only then does she flip you beneath her and god you've never been so grateful as you push your head back against the pillow as her rhythm picks up. It's hard to focus on what to feel as her lips begin trailing from your lips down your neck until their on your nipple. She teases it with her tongue until your moans are louder than you normally allow yourself to go.  "Look at me" she orders again as she kisses her way back up your body until she captures yours lips.   
  
You stare at her pushing through the urge to let your eyes fall close and drop your head back further, and oh god you're so grateful you do because when her hand disappears from inside you for a second you feel empty and disappointed until you realise she's quickly unclasping her own bra and throwing it to the ground before continuing exactly what she started.   
  
You're a boob person. Without a shred of doubt.   
  
It's embarrassing how you don't even try to hide that fact as you're reaching for it immediately Before taking it in your own mouth. Apparently Clarke's a boob person too if her moans are anything to go by, especially when you realise the more you touch her the quicker her pace gets inside you hitting your spot each time until its impossible to even catch your breath.   
  
"Fuck" You whimper finally letting your head push against the pillow as your fingers clutch the bed sheets. You're so close you feel like you're going to combust, it only tops its of as Clarke whimpers against your lips and kisses them with so much passion, want, yearning you just can take it anymore.   
  
Your vision goes blurry your mouth drops open and it's silence for a full few seconds as your body jolts before letting a deep moan escape your mouth.  You're in heaven, you swear it.   
  
"You have such a sexy cum face" Clarke hums in to your ear before nibbling it as she helps guide you back down. You hum out in pleasure as you come back down eyes closes until you feel they are light enough to open and look at the blonde who provoked such a powerful orgasm, you still can't speak, instead you give a lazy smile before reaching for her lips intending to fully return the favour, but the kiss is a lazy one.   
  
"Give me a minute" You breath still a little breathless making her laugh.   
  
"Have I wore you out?" she questions through one of those smirks that lets Lexa knows she won't let her forget it.   
  
"A little" You admit hands soothing her milky skin compared to yours. "Come here" you whisper already wanting to wipe that smirk from her lips and just be kissing and touching her already.   
  
\--  
  
When morning comes around you're eyes are still burning with tiredness but the feather like kisses being kisses along your stomach and Chest has your hand seeing out blonde locks with a soft smile.   
  
"Please tell me its morning" You grin letting your eyes fall closed again while enjoying the attention to your body. After making love to one another last night for the first time, slowly you both fell asleep whispering little things here and there. You expected to see the blonde again in the morning wrapped in your arms, but that wasn't the case instead Clarke showed you what stamina she truly has as she teased you till you woke. You never got to say anything as your eyes had opened before she was pulling moans from your lips and starting you off all over again, only this time she didn't make you cum once, she did it again and again. You didn't think you would ever be able to breathe properly again, but you sure as hell aren't complaining. But god are you tired.   
  
"Happy Christmas" She grins against your body until she's hovering above your lips with a teasing naughty glint in her eyes.   
  
"A very happy Christmas" You find yourself saying not caring what a sap you sound because you can't help but smile and reach for her lips. "I love you" You say honestly. You never wanted to say it first, you wanted to wait because nothing worried you more than scaring Clarke away, but you've felt it for so long and right now you feel so light and happy you can't hold it in. "You don't have to say it back" You say as Clarke pauses staring at you with soft questioning eyes. "I just wanted to say it, because its what I feel and I wanted you to know" You say softly your thumb gliding across her cheek soothingly. She kisses you softly acknowledging your words before pulling away to look at you once more with a new softness to her blue eyes. She's not there yet, but that fine, you smile anyway and kiss her until you're both smiling against one another's lips.  
  
"Hm" she hums dropping to the side of you while drawing circular patters on your stomach. "If I knew how good your body was, I think I would have done this a lot sooner" She confesses as her eyes shamefully take you in you can't help but roll your eyes with a smile that screams happiness.   
  
"Are you saying my clothes do not complement me?"   
  
"I'm saying everything complements you" she says cheekily. "But!" She laughs. "If I had known it was this good. I Wouldn't have waited" She teases causing you to roll your eyes again.   
  
"I'm surprised your not jumping out of bed like a kangaroo to be honest" you say holding you head up by your hands as you look down at her.   
  
"other things were occupying my mind" she says shrugging before pecking your lips once more. "Now that you mention it though" she grins biting her bottom lip. "Up!" she demands.   
  
"Urgh!" You whine playfully dropping your head against your pillow in objection. "It's far to early" You whine noticing the dark sky still outside.   
  
"Then I suppose its to early for kisses" she teases jumping out of bed before you can pout and grab her back to bed. "Nope. Up" she orders quickly throwing on one of your t-shirts and just a thong before leaving the bedroom.   
  
"Clarke!!" You shout hoping she will come back, instead you notice the hallway light up as Clarke obviously switches the Christmas decorations up. Slowly you edge of the bed dragging your feet because Clarke really did tire you out last night, but honestly there is still a bounce to your step as you go in search for Clarke after grabbing your phone from the side.   
  
As you make your way in to the front room you can't help the smile that spreads across your lips as Clarke's waiting patiently for you by the Christmas tree to unwrap all the gifts you got one another. You tease her with a roll of the eyes before looking at your phone only for your smile to turn in to a frown as you read a message on your screen.   
  
 **Bellamy : Happy Christmas Lexa x**

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the Griffins ;D Or not? :/

**I can't do this!**

 

"this is harder than I thought" Clarke confesses into your neck while pushing her body further in to yours.   
  
"hmm" You hum to lost in the small sucks and nips she's teasing your neck with. One minute you were opening presents,then the next thing you know she's crawling over to you with a seductive look in her eye, you tried to deny her for a minute but you lasted two seconds at best before she had you whimpering against her lips as she pushed you back against the floor. "Yeah" You say for no reason at all other than the fact you at least want to try and act like you're capable of listening. You're not obviously, you're just about capable of pushing your fingers in her hair to keep her exactly where you want her. The only acknowledgement Clarke gives you however is the smirk you feel against your neck, she's always smirking. One day you will stop her being so smug but for now you just enjoy it.   
  
"You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?" She grins pulling her lips further away from you neck obviously not getting the whole gripping hair hint you thought you nailed.   
  
"What?" You frown looking offended at the accusation. "Course I do" You say naturally but your eyes are already dropping to her lips embarrassingly quick.   
  
"What did I even say?" She questions with yet another smirk before she's placing a lingering amused kiss to your lips.   
  
Think brain. Think!   
  
"I taste good?" You say through a question but instantly find yourself blushing at such a stupid thing to say. She actually laughs at you to the point her eyes squint and her pearly whites are fully displayed but she's looking at you so soft, so adoring your blush fades and you seize to care. Because despite it being a stupid thing to say, Clarke had infact said it to you last night a dozen times, as her lips traced down every inch of your skin, after she kissed you so deeply she had your body rocking desperately in to hers with that teasing smirk and after she pushed her tongue inside you softly to get a taste with a single swipe, before growing more firmer and confident. She was good at that.   
  
"You do" she confesses her smile never leaving her lips as her finger tips trail down your naked thigh until she's bending it at the knee and holding it against her body. You watch her eyes trace your lips, cheek bones and jaw line while pressing her body further in to yours, its only when her eyes drop to your half open shirt and back in to green eyes that you realise how quickly you can excite her. "But that's not what I said" she breathes.   
  
"What did you say?" You whisper back despite knowing no one else can hear either of you. She kisses you softly again, nuzzling your nose as you part until she can see your green eyes all over again.   
  
"This is harder than I thought" She whispers.   
  
"What is?" You question after a beat of silence of staring at one another. You reach your hand out to push the hair falling around her face as she looks down at you but you get momently distracted at how beautiful she is and how lucky you feel.   
  
"to pull myself away from you" she breathes causing you to quickly catch her gaze pulling all your attention back. "How did I take so long to get here?" she questions seriously. She's looking at you with all kinds of intensity but its soft and caring so all you can do is smile at her continued little confessions while gliding your thump back and forth across her cheek.   
  
"one of us needed a nudge" You say with your own smirk because it certainly wasn't you.   
  
"Hmm" She smiles biting her bottom lip which always catches your full attention. "You look really good naked" She confesses "Anyone ever told you that?"   
  
You're not sure if your cheeks go bright red from laughing or you're just blushing.   
  
"Yes actually" You say reaching around to the back of Clarke's neck and pulling her close enough to feel her breath and practically taste her lips. "You told me last night"   
  
"apparently I told you a lot of things last night" she teases.   
  
"I'm not complaining" You hum against her lips eyes falling heavy as you almost capture them.   
  
"tell me again" She hums keeping your lips apart for just a second longer, but you're already longing for them so chase them anyway. "Tell me" she says again giving you a simple kiss to satisfy you for a second  
  
"tell you what?" you mumble pecking her lips once more growing more frustrated that she isn't allowing you to deepen it.   
  
"Tell me" She says her tone less of a whisper and a little more firm. You flick your eyes open to narrow your eyes one her, and for a second you have no idea what she's asking you to do, until you recognise the same look she gave you last night for the first time. You swallow thickly because despite meaning every word last night, you were in a moment of passion, a moment of feeling pure bliss and there was absolutely nothing that could bring you down, but here you are just being Clarke and Lexa while trying to get a kiss, and she's asking you to tell her.   
  
"I love you" You say slowly before swallowing again. It's stupid to be nervous you know that but, it doesn't stop anyway.   
  
"Really?" She questions after it settles in for the second time.  
  
"How could I not?"  
  
"I like hearing it" she confesses after another moment of silent where she's torn between kissing you while letting her body melt in to yours to saying what's been on her mind since you said it last night, you would be happy with either of her choices.   
  
"I love you" You say automatically making her smile all over again. "But can you just be kissing me already" you say a little impatiently but the smile that forms on her lips is well and truly worth it, especially when she kisses you while trying to tame it but failing miserably.   
  
You toss her beneath you in a quick move hearing the shredded wrapping paper scattered around you scrunch beneath the both of you, but presents are long forgotten in your mind and you forget you've only opened three before she was kissing you.   
  
"You taste good" She whispers through a smirk making you roll your eyes despite them being closed already.   
  
"So good" you hum smugly before finally being granted the access to finally deepen the kiss. Now that you've had her, you don't think you could ever go back and apart of you wonders how you survived this long without being touched how she touches you, or simply just touching her.   
  
"Lex-"   
  
"Stop talking" You demand silencing her with your mouth again, you ignore the smirk on her lips again as your hand roam down her naked thighs losing yourself in everything Clarke. Her taste, her smell, her moans. You feel her open to you in the way her lips follow yours when you try to change angle, how her body rocks in to yours despite being beneath you. When you finally part the kiss for mere second to attend her body you notice her eyes darken while desperately waiting for you to touch her again, you watch her eyes fall shut as you lick along her collarbone only to suck just beneath it seconds after, her chest pushes forcefully in to yours wanting more, needing more. It's not like you have a choice really is it?   
  
You give everything she begs for while burying your head in her neck as her moans bounce of the walls and around the room. Her thigh's wrapping around your hand as you push faster and harder in to her.  
  
"I love you Clarke" You whisper in her ear as you feel her heat pulsing with every thrust. She's close you can feel it, hear it, smell it. God you want it. You thrust faster as she whimpers and trembles against your skin scratching down your naked back until she's holding her breath. Her eyes stare at you for just a fraction, her lips parted as you curl your fingers once more. "fuck" You mumble at such a sight, your belly twists in the most delicious of ways as you watch her crumble beneath you, you watch her normal pale skin turn a darker shade of pink as her eyes clamp shut. She's beautiful. Truly.   
  
"Lexa" she pants her arms holding you tighter than only moments ago as you finally let your full body weight collapse on her. "Where-" She pauses through pants "Don-" You want to laugh at how cute she is, yet how proud you are of bringing her to silence from your touch.   
  
"Stop. Smiling" she finally says but you know you can't. You lean up capturing her lips taking her breath once again.   
  
"and you tell me I'm sexy like that" You say leaning down to bite on her bottom lip while you feel her foot crawling up your leg soothingly. "You're beautiful" You confess kissing her once more.   
  
"Don't think for a minute we're done" Clarke pants pulling at your hip to press harder in to hers.   
  
"what about our presents?" You question teasingly   
  
"I want you more" she husks pulling you even deeper in to her until your lips are on hers hungrily all over again.   
  
\----  
  
"Come with me"  
  
"What?" You freeze staring at her from the bed.   
  
"Come with me" She says again before plonking herself back on the bed now half dressed.   
  
"To meet your parents?" you frown.   
  
"No, to feed the chickens" She says sarcastically while rolling her eyes. "Obviously to meet my parents" she laughs taking her hand in yours.   
  
"I can't" You say nervously.   
  
"Why?"  
  
"I'm not dressed" You say pathetically but its all you've got. You've just spent the last ten minutes watching Clarke get ready while you laid lazily in bed, in your defence she's tired you out this morning, you're surprised she's even able to move.   
  
"Get dressed then" She says through a amused smile.   
  
"do they even know about us?" You questions fiddling with Clarke's fingers.   
  
"Hm. Not exactly"   
  
"I can't just show up"   
  
"Yes you can" Clarke argues. "You're my girlfriend, I want you to meet them" she says softly shifting on the bed to get closer to you. You try to ignore the way your body warms at her calling you your girlfriend again, but its undeniable at this stage, especially if your smiles anything to go by. "Plus I avoid them at all cost myself"  
  
"They can't be that bad" you say but your opinion on them was made up from the brief encounter you had with at the beginning of last year. They are rude.   
  
"Yeah" Clarke says widening her eyes. "How about you come with me and we can see if we can change that view" She say hopefully while edging closer to your lips. "i'll kiss you if you come" She offers.   
  
"You're going to kiss me anyway" you say confidently eyes drifting to her moist lips before looking back in to those devilish blue eyes.   
  
"Maybe I was" she breathes. "I suppose we won't no now though"  
  
"and whys that?" you question.   
  
"Because you're going to say yes" she says leaning that little bit closer so every sense is overwhelmed. "Aren't you?"   
  
"Yes" You breath giving in enjoying the sound of Clarke screech as you pull her back on the bed and beneath you. "You're right." You smirk already unbuttoning her shirt. "This is hard" You hum palming her breast in your hand while your kissing her deeper with every second that passes.   
  
"We're going to be late" You mumbles not showing any sign of fighting you off.   
  
"it wont take long" you say confidently as your hands already trailing down to the button of her jeans. You just need to see and hear her fall to pieces one more time.  
  
\---  
  
  
"Do I look ok?" You question nervously holding Clarke's hand as she rings the door bell.   
  
"You look gorgeous" Clarke says softly kissing the corner of your lips as you wait for the door to open.   
  
You can't help but stand nervously as you look at the gigantic building infront of you. It looks more like a mansion than a house, you're sure that's what it would be its description.   
  
"Clarke" A older lady greets wearing a black uniform. "How longs it been?" She says while hugging your girlfriend. You just stand there watching as they look like long lost friends.   
  
"Not long enough" Clarke sniggers and the woman just smiles knowingly.   
  
"Lexa this is Margret" Clarke introduces. "She's working for my family since I was young"   
  
"Nice to meet you" you say holding out your hand which she politely takes.   
  
"You aswel" she says with a warm smile. "You're late" she says turning back to Clarke. "Your parents are already at the table"   
  
"Lovely" Clarke says flatly taking your hand in hers once more. "Ready?" she questions. You nod because no, you most certainly are not.   
  
You like to plan things, prepare yourself in preparation for turns every possible turn of events. You're not prepared for any of this, not today. She knows though, of course she knows because she's squeezing you hand in reassurance as she pulls you in to the house that couldn't possibly get any bigger. Only you think it does when you step inside seeing the huge chandelier hanging from the ceiling.   
  
"You're late" You hear before you even step in to the dinning area.   
  
"Sorry, Traffic was hectic" Clarke says not at all convincingly. You can't help but turn to her because you're sure you didn't see no more than a total of two cars on the road, after all its Christmas day. No one would possibly believe that excuse but Clarke just shrugs having no other excuses stored. "Mum, Dad. This is Lexa"   
  
"Hello" You say nervously as you come face to face with Clarke's parents sitting at a long dinning table. Jake at one end, and Abby at the other with their chins held high.   
  
"Hello" Abby says with her head held high barely turning her head to face her daughter as you both take a seat opposite one another. "I didn't know you was bringing a friend" she says frowning at the both of you. You haven't felt this uncomfortable since you told Bellamy you kissed his girlfriend but you swallow hard and push through, you're a tough lawyer after all you can do this easy.   
  
"Actually" Clarke says turning to her dad before back to her mum. "Me and Lexa are together" She says softly.  
  
"Sorry, I don't understand" Abby says without even blinking.  
  
"we're seeing one another" Clarke explains as your cheeks blush red while being stared down at.   
  
"a woman?" Jake questions suddenly from the other end of the table. He's wearing a deeper frown than Abby is.   
  
"Yes" Clarke says while all you can do is stare at her.  
  
When Clarke finally confessed to you that she could possibly be gay, that she could possibly like women, or more specifically you. She was extremely different, with every confession it was half a question because she wasn't quite sure, but yet sure enough to question it. She had fear and care and worry but the Clarke sitting infront of her now had none of those and you couldn't help but frown yourself.  
  
"Set another plate" Abby said as Margaret walked past. A simple nod was all she got before she left the room causing Abby to refocus on you and Clarke.   
  
"Don't be silly child" Jake said from the other end of the table looking down at his daughter. "You're not gay" He says with a tone you don't like.   
  
You sit still ignoring his tone, his stare, his frown. You sit still because these are Clarke's parents and you shouldn't say anything, even when Clarke eyes close with exhaustion before opening to look at you for a second. A second where there the soft blue you know more than any other eyes you've ever looked in too, but a moment later they are gone replaced with a stare you've not seen as she turns to her dad.   
  
"I'm bisexual actually" she says and her tone doesn't falter.   
  
"What about Bellamy?" Abby questions. "He was a lovely man" Abby says as you drop your gaze at the mention of your best friend. She's not wrong, Bellamy is a top bloke, any woman to end up with him was a lucky woman but still you can't help how you hate the mention of them together, despite having no right at all, not after what you did.   
  
"We split up" is all Clarke offers.   
  
It's silent for a moment. A moment where Jake is looking at you while Abby looks at her daughter while everyone's eyes seem to be diverting to each person at the table.  
  
"I can go" You finally say after the tension gets to much, you shouldn't have just showed up anyway.   
  
"No" Clarke says quickly her stare changing as she directs her gaze to each of her parents. "She's staying" Clarke says firmly before giving you a apology through a soft sad smile.   
  
Dinner gets served and all that's to be heard is the sound of cutlery scrapping across plates. You daren't look up because you know you will find Clarke's parents giving you a disapproving look, while You know Clarke's had her eyes on you for the last five minutes.   
  
"So how did this-" Jake says gesturing to the two of you unable to say the words. "Happen?" he questions.   
  
"Turning gay?" Clarke says with still no fear or worry. "I Realised I liked her more than a friend" Clarke shrugs shoving a carrot in her mouth as her father drops her knife and folk.   
  
"This is absurd" he grunts. "You're not gay" he says through anger. "Are you trying to get our attention?"   
  
"Attention?" Clarke says in disbelief dropping her own knife and folk. "are you kidding?"   
  
"This is childish" Jake argues pushing his napkin in his plate. "One minute you're in love with the Bellamy boy, the next you're with a woman" he says turning to look at you in disgust and a amused laugh   
  
"I wasn't in love with him" Clarke says quickly and your eyes are on her.   
  
"You said you was" Abby adds with a frown.   
  
This is why you didn't like her parents to start with, they're rude and couldn't care less if you're listening to their conversation or not. Clearly.   
  
"I didn't realise then" Clarke says defensively.   
  
"I'm going to just go" You say not wanting to listen to anymore.  
  
"No" Clarke says quickly but before she can say anymore Jake's jumping in.   
  
"One minute you're in love with a boy, the next you're bringing a woman to our home claiming you're gay?" Jake questions. "This is you going through a phase. A childish one"   
  
"No it's not!" Clarke snaps.   
  
"When will you grow out of this?" He snaps.  
  
"Out of what!"   
  
"Trying to grab our attention" He says shaking his head. "I will not feed this nonsense no more" he says adamantly. "You will see the error of your ways. You're not Gay Clarke, You love Bellamy"   
  
"I'm going" You say quickly not wanting to listen to anymore, Clearly you're not welcome.   
  
"Lexa don-" Clarke's voice cuts of as you turn the corner and ignore her trying to work out the way you came in. When the door closes behind you and the sound of stones beneath your feet hit your hears you finally breathe wondering what the hell jut happened. You knew Clarke's parents were nothing like her, but that was more unexpected than anything you've experienced.   
  
"Lexa" Clarke says grabbing your forearm to turn you around. "Where are you going?" she questions panicked.   
  
You're not sure what you're feeling right now. You don't know if you're angry, for being looked at in such a way, for being discarded even when you're sitting right infront of them. You don't know if its jealousy as you've sat listening to Clarke's parents plans for her and Bellamy, what they want her to do, how she had told him she loved him but now suddenly not. You never thought of it that way before, and its bothered you. Clarke had indeed told Bellamy she loved him, you remember Bellamy telling you when he fell for her, you remember him telling you he confessed it and was more than pleased when she said it back. What if Jake was right? What you can't just love someone then not can you? You can't imagine just falling out of love with Clarke from a kiss from another.   
  
"Lexa" Clarke says more softer her blue eyes the eyes you know, the smile soft yet worried while holding you gently.  
  
"I should go" You say because like you've said you're not sure how you feel right now you could be just a little overwhelmed but you feel like you want to shout and scream.   
  
"i'll come with you" Clarke says quickly.   
  
"No," You say shaking your head while looking at the big house. "You should stay"   
  
"I don't want to" she says with a furrow. "I'm sorry about them" she says sadly.   
  
Your brain can't help but think, you try to stop it but you can't. You wonder why Clarke had no fear, no softness as she confessed her sexuality for the first time to her parents. You wonder why she never told you before you came here that they didn't even know of her sexuality yet, or Bellamy for that matter. It kept bringing you back to what Jake said.  
  
"Why didn't you warn me" You say with a bite to your tone. Your jaw clenches because you feel like you just walked in to a trap, a trap where you were looked at like mess on the bottom of a shoe, while shouting that Clarke didn't truly want you at all, it was a phase in the blondes life like she had done this before.   
  
"because you wouldn't come"   
  
"So you used me?" You question. "A way to tell them this is you" You snap. That's not the way.   
  
"What?" Clarke questions. "I wouldn't do that" she says defensively pulling at your arm harder as you go to turn away. "Lexa, I just wanted you to come with me, because I didn't want to be apart" she confesses her eyes drawn down as she pleads you to believe her. "I don't care what they think. I never have. No matter what I do, its not there standards, its not what they want, or it just doesn't please them, so I stopped caring. What they say does not effect me. It doesn't effect us"   
  
"I'll see you later Clarke" you say before turning away and jumping in your car. You ignore her calling you as you head home.   
  
\--  
  
You're a thinker, you've always been one. You didn't drive off because you were being dramatic or just to cause a scene. You drove of because you had multiple things running through your head like, why Clarke didn't care expressing her sexuality to her parents, why Jake was adamant this was just (another) way to get attention, why Clarke didn't warn you what she could be walking in to. What you thought about the most was how Clarke had confessed at one point she was in love with Bellamy, yet left him for a kiss from you. What if Jake was right, she was in a rush of excitement and something new, while you've already fell in love with her. It happens, you hear about it happening.   
  
Only when the three knocks sound from your door you already know its Clarke.   
  
It's late and Christmas is nearly over, but you can't help but look to the half opened presents scattered by the tree from this morning. You remember Clarke crawling over you unable to keep away with that glint in her eyes. She knocks once more before you finally stand and make your way over to the door. When you open the door neither of you say nothing, you just stare at her looking worried and scared all over again, it reminds you of when you first kissed her and she came to talk, it reminds you of when she showed up at your house  drunk and confessing little things but using her drunkenness to be near you, it reminds you of when she came to your office to kiss you back. It's then you realise you got scared, you panicked and you pulled back because a seed got planted.  
  
You know Clarke.   
  
She wouldn't do something with you if she wasn't sure.   
  
Thankfully she knows you because as you soften she wraps her arms around your neck and holds you in a death grip, threatening to never let go. You hold her back mumbling your apology for leaving, even if it was best.   
  
"Don't be" she says softly resting her forehead against yours as you pull her in and close the door. "I should have warned you what they were like" she confesses. playing with the baby hairs on the back of your neck. "I just figured it didn't matter" she shrugs. "You're always so strong and can take on the world, and you never let someone walk over you" Clarke explains. "I didn't thing my parents would bother you, and I didn't think they would be that bad. I'm sorry" she apologises.   
  
"it's ok" You say because none of it matters now. Clarke's here and you just want to hold her and be held.   
  
"I Didn't love Bellamy" She blurts because she knows you would have thought everything through.  
  
"You don't need to explain anything"   
  
"I want to. I thought I did at some point, I felt more strongly for him than anyone I have before, he made me laugh and was just something I hadn't experienced before. But I confused love with something else, but I only realised it after everything happened with you" Clarke admits never looking away from you once. "Everything about you is stronger, attraction, physical, emotion. Even the way I smile, it's different. I'm not saying I'm in love with you because, I want to be sure when I say it this time, but I needed you to know that" Clarke says softly before burying her face in your neck.   
  
"ok" You say because there's nothing else to say. If she loved him she loved him. If she didn't she didn't, but still you can't deny how nice it feels to have her tell you she feels more for you than she did for him despite only being officially together for two weeks, but dating for six.   
  
"Can we just lay down and forget it ever happened?" Clarke pleads pulls away to look at you.   
  
"How about we open the rest of our presents?"  
  
"Ah. Forgot about those" Clarke says with the giddiness back in her.   
  
"I noticed" Lexa smirks biting her bottom lip as she thinks of Clarke's cumin face as made love to her over the ripped wrapping paper.   
  
"Can't blame me" she says pulling Lexa towards the tree.   
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What you think?


	26. Chapter 26

**I can't do this!**

 

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Clarke question running her fingers across your bare ribs as you pull her closer.   
  
"I had other things on my mind" You whisper against her lips while pulling her above you till you're hip to hip. This is your favourite position, her looking down at you in all her beautiful glory. "You haven't even let me put clothes on you smirk bringing her lips to yours once more because you can't get enough, it's never enough. She taste so good. It's possible that the last three days have been the best you've ever had, so much so you don't want it to end.   
  
"You're the one who kept pulling me back to bed" Clarke smirks nuzzling your nose before giving you a gentle kiss. You can't deny it, but in your defence she was just as bad. The only time you put clothing on was to cook but as soon as you both finished eating you or Clarke would pull the other towards the couch, bed or sometimes just a piece of furniture while pulling the flimsy t-shirt from your backs. It was better that way anyway.   
  
"Shh" You hum biting her bottom lip as your fingers slip in her hair. "Stop smirking" You warn biting her lip a little harder than usual to make a point.   
  
"You make it too easy" she confesses pressing her body further in to yours.   
  
You can feel her slipping all over again, as she kisses you deeply while pressing her hips harder in to your own. She might be the one smirking all the time but you know she can't handle herself around you just as much as you can't handle yourself around her.   
  
"Nope" She mutters pressing her hand to your chest to physically pull her lips from yours.   
  
"What?" You question confused chasing her lips until she presses you back against the bed. You're lost in a haze and have no idea what she's talking about and can only cope with her lips one yours right now.   
  
"You're distracting me. I was talking" She says eyes flickering to your lips with a shake of the head, its your turn to smirk. "What were we talking about?" Clarke frowns and by this point your lips are a full on smug grin that you can kiss her to the point she hasn't a clue what you were discussing moments ago.   
  
"Does it matter if you can't remember?" You ask with a raised brow before you are raising your head to reach for her lips once more.  
  
"No" She warns pushing you down playfully as you whine. You just want some loving. "The text" she suddenly remembers. "Did you respond?"   
  
"Yes" You say giving up trying to kiss Clarke altogether, she's got her tough look on, you know you wont win anyway. "I said thank you, and Happy Christmas too"   
  
"Did he say anything back?"   
  
"No" You say feeling Clarke shift beside you to lean half over you.   
  
"Well it shows progress. It's the first thing he's said to you in almost two months" Clarke says softly while playing with your hand.   
  
"Yeah" You say lamely because you refuse to look to much in to it. You normally spent every Christmas afternoon together drinking alcohol, playing silly little games and eating Christmas dinner before drawing on murphy's face once he's passed out. It was a ritual of sorts, one that you've been doing for more years than you can remember, a little text didn't mean much to you. Maybe it's because you've thought about what you did to him in more debt, you thought about him now sweeping Clarke away from you and admittedly it's one of the hardest things you thought about.   
  
"Where did you go?" Clarke says softly brushing her thumb across your cheek soothingly. It's her eyes that has you melting in to her touch, there's something about the way she looks at you so softly like she cares deeper than you can imagine.   
  
"I wouldn't forgive him" You say after a moment of silence. You watch the furrow form between her brows ass she looks at you confused for a moment, its brief and quick you wouldn't even really know it was there if you wasn't paying attention but you was. "the thought of losing you back to him is-" You pause not really knowing the word that could truly describe how heart broken you would feel. "I'd hate him" You settle with swallowing harshly as you slip your hand across her cheek and in to her hair bringing her closer. "I love you Clarke" You confess just because you can, and this whole thinking of her with another, with Bellamy is beginning to weigh to heavy on you.   
  
"I'm getting there" she whispers back before kissing your lips tenderly.   
  
She has yet to say it back to you, but those words are more than enough. There the only words she's repeated back to you when confessing your feeling to her other than ' say it again' which is strangely one of the best feeling in the world. The fact that she loves to hear those words slip past your lips, the way she kisses you harder each time you say it and the way her smile lightens when you say it randomly. Just the other day you were sitting infront of the TV eating dinner in just t-shirts. Clarke had been focused on the movie in front of you while you could all but laugh as she bit through a chunk of chicken while gravy dripped down her chin, Clarke was oblivious of course her excuse later was 'it was at the good bit Lexa' but you could only laugh before mumbling you love her, but once again it was those blue eyes looking at you disbelieving yet, believing. It was a beautiful thing.   
  
"Let's go for a walk" Clarke says out of no where.   
  
"I prefer this bed" You say through a smirk confident you can persuade Clarke to never leave this bed again.  
  
"I bet you do" Clarke grins pecking your lips more harshly. "but I can't remember the last time I saw light"  
  
"I can switch the lamp on if you-"  
  
"Not what I meant" Clarke say shaking her head before smacking you playfully. "I thought you were the romantic type"  
  
"I am" You say quickly knowing what Clarke's trying to do. "but I've had you in bed" You say through a smug smile trying to grab her before she pounces of the bed.  
  
"Oh. So what the hard parts over?" Clarke challenges playfully with her hands on her hips.   
  
"Something like that" You smirk standing up and forgetting your naked form as the sheets drop from your skin. Clarke's hand's on her hips has your mind is going crazy because she is undoubtable the sexiest woman alive. You grip her hip aggressively pulling her in to yours as your smile grows soft, her blue eyes sparkling at you but you can tell she's trying to look annoyed. "Or I just can't stop touching you" You confess reaching forward to kiss her already smiling lips. "You're something else Clarke Griffin" You hum stepping back towards the bed as you pull her with you.   
  
"I know what you're trying to do" she smirks kissing you back anyway.   
  
"Is it working?" You smirk pulling her above you on to the bed.   
  
"No" She whispers biting your bottom lip before her tongues dominating yours. You really really tried not to moan and rock in to her, but you wasn't lying you can't stop touching her and you don't even want to. "Get dressed" she smirks abruptly pulling away till you're whining.   
  
"That's dirty" You groan sitting up in a huff trying to act as moody as possible, but the second Clarke winks at you, you're simply smiling.   
  
\---  
  
"It's freezing"   
  
"It's beautiful"  
  
"Clarke, there's ice on everything" You explain gripping the blondes hand tighter.   
  
"Exactly, it's refreshing" You roll your eyes but smile anyway because of course Clarke would want to go for a walk on one of the iciest days yet. Your nose is cold, your cheeks are pink but strangely its all worth it just because you're the one holding Clarke's hand in yours, even if her hand isn't warming yours up in the slightest.  
  
"Where are we going?" you finally question having no clue.  
  
"Just walking" Clarke answers through a grin but you squeeze her hand strangely not surprised at all.  
  
"and this was better than being in bed?" You question quirking a brow as you finally set foot in to the park. It's surprising how many people you can see walking their dogs, or doing their daily workout for the day, a workout you have been slacking in since you started dating Clarke, you tell yourself you wouldn't run today anyway because it's to cold and you hate it when it feels like you're panting razor blades but Clarke's laugh brings you back and you no longer care about your lack of exercising.   
  
"Not better" she points out squeezing your hand before she's coming to a halt and pulling you in to her chest, naturally your arms wrap around her. "Just refreshing" She explains giving you a soft kiss which you lean into embarrassingly quick. "You look nice in the daylight"  
  
"Nice?" You grin  
  
"Hm. I can see you properly" she hums her gloves hand coming to trail down the outline of your face as blue eyes sparkle looking at every small detail.   
  
"I kind of love you" You confess after watching her in silent for a moment. You never wanted to be one of those people that confess it every time you turn a corner, you liked the mystery of it and how if you said it less than often it would mean more each time you say it, but Clarke seems to be pulling it from your lips every few minutes without a say of your own. Honestly you're not surprised, day light brings out the colour of her eyes and shows how pale she really is but the way her eyes are sparkling while her arms tuck neatly around you has you not even wanting to move, hell with the freezing cold air.   
  
"Kind of?" She smiles cheekily.   
  
"Without a doubt" you confess pulling her tighter as you capture her lips again, she kisses you back in small kisses and gentle smiles before her forehead is resting against yours breathing you in.   
  
"You're making it hard to stay out" She admits making you laugh out loud. You don't care who's around, or who's watching this girl will be the death of you and you will quite happily go willingly on your knees.  
  
"I haven't got ready to be pulled back home you know" You challenge pulling her hand in the direction of the lake.   
  
"Please" she scoffs smile plastered across those pinks lips. "You love me, you'd leave in a beat" she smirks smugly while taking your hand once more.   
  
\--  
  
"Stop smiling" You whine shaking your head as you tear the coffee.  
  
"What?" she laughs inching closer as she wraps her arms around you in nothing but a top.   
  
"You're taking advantage" you say shaking your head trying to remain as serious as possible while she all but chuckles behind you.   
  
"I thought it would be more of a challenge" she smirks turning you around stopping everything you're doing. "It took one look" she grins.   
  
"I don't think I love you anymore" you say trying to turn back around because she's always so smug, but she laughs and pulls you back burying her face in your neck to hide the evident smile that she hasn't been able to be rid of since she proved she could get you home easily. Embarrassingly easy actually, after you pulled her down to the lake, she pulled you closer and kissed your lips before trailing one to your neck you knew what she was doing but you couldn't turn it down when she was looking at you like she was already stripping you naked.   
  
"it's cute" she confesses feeling her warm breath run up your neck and down your chest as she grips your hips possessively, you feel her tongue as your head tilts back but then she's smirking against and you hate her.   
  
"No more kisses" you order pushing her away as she laughs.   
  
"Right" she says disbelieving as she steps closer to you again but then your phones ringing and you're scooting away from her quicker than you ever have. Saved by the bell. Unfortunately she reads through it and continues to laugh at you.   
  
"Who is it?" Clarke questions as you come to a stand still, smile dropping and all playfulness gone.   
  
"Bellamy" You find yourself saying as you stare at the screen to your phone before looking back up to blue eyes.   
  
"Answer it" she encourages with a furrow to her brow.   
  
Hesitantly you answer suddenly feelings sick with nerves as you say Hello. You barely have to say anything at all through the short awkward phone call but blue eyes remind on you the whole time as your facial expression changes from one to another as you exchange a few words.   
  
"What's he say?" Clarke questions as the call come to a end. She edges closer to you to wrap her arms around your waist just incase it wasn't good but as you throw your phone on the couch you bring your arms around her with a furrow still to your brow.   
  
"He asked me if I would like to come to his New Years Eve party" You say still in disbelief.   
  
"Really?" she questions through a growing smile. "That's good" she encourages as you struggle to adjust. "You should go" She says looking at you intensely but with all kinds of softness.   
  
"Yeah" you say stupidly while taking a breath.   
  
"You've missed him" she says softly and you can't help but hold her tighter because despite not talking about him to much thinking its better to avoid his name altogether, she still know how much he will always mean to you no matter what.  
  
"He asked if we were together"  
  
"What did you say?" Clarke questions with her own adopted frown.   
  
"Yes" You say like its obvious, you would never lie to him again, you've learnt your lesson. "He said you could come with me, if that's what I wanted"  
  
"Is it?" Clarke questions. "is it what you want?" Clarke questions curiously. You can tell by the look in her eyes, that she would understand if you said no, because the situation would be awkward enough, she doesn't want to ruin any chances of fixing a friendship you would do anything to fix.  
  
"Yes" You say simply. "You're my girlfriend" You says proudly. "I want to go in to the new year with you"   
  
"Yeah?" she says a sudden spark lighting up her features and making your chest lighter.  
  
"Yeah" you breath resting your forehead against hers inching closer to her lips before stopping with a devilish smirk. "You're still getting no kisses" You breath pulling away from her completely.   
  
She laughs and you smirk because this will be the biggest challenge you've ever set for yourself, especially if her smirks anything to go by.   
  
  
  
  



	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end :/

** I can't do this! **

 

It felt like the fifteenth thousandth time you inhaled a sharp breath full of nerves as you finally pulled up outside your best friends house. Parts of you wishes you said you couldn't make it because of other plan, but the other part of you, the sensible reliable brave part knew It was a step forward in the right direction you could never turn down.   
  
"Breathe" Clarke said softly slipping her hand in yours as she gives a soft attentive kiss on the cheek. "Everything is going to be fine, he wouldn't invite us if he didn't want to see you"  
  
"Yeah" You say lamely looking to the gravel beneath your feet. Clarke's right you know that but its been months since you seen your best friend who looked at you in ways that cut deeper than you could have imagined, not that you blamed him of course he had every right and you would feel the same if Clarke was to go back to Bellamy. "I love you" You breathe resting your forehead against Clarke for support and just because she makes you feel better by just being close.  "Thank you for doing this with me"   
  
"I wouldn't be anywhere else" Clarke confesses kissing your lips softly. "Are you ready?"   
  
"No" You say breathing out heavily once more. "I'm not even sure if I should knock or just walk in" You admit taking a step towards the house as Clarke squeezes your hand once again.   
  
"Then let me make the decision for you" Clarke smiles placing a gentle knock on the door as she holds you just as tightly.   
  
Octavia of all people was the one to open the door as her eyes trailed from you to Clarke, she barely smiled but as she opened the door wider for you to come in you took it as a better sign than when she showed up your home and slapped you despite looking like she was ready to put you six foot under. You was debating if you should say hello, or apologise for everything that happens and if it wasn't for Clarke pulling you inside to where you know the front room is you're sure you would still be standing outside staring at Octavia in contemplation.  
  
"Stop over thinking" Clarke whispers squeezing your hand once more, you didn't realise how tightly you were actually clinging on to the blonde until she squeezed your fingers once again with out a single complaint.   
  
"I'm trying" You admit with a grateful smile because Clarke's making you lighter all over again and distracting you from the fear of what could happen, to thinking about kissing Clarke in to the new year because this woman is now your girlfriend.   
  
It's not difficult to hear the party from the hallway in full swing already, you could practically feel the walls vibrating from the base of the music. A weird sense of familiarity washed through you, one you had missed, the smell of the home, the warmth it brought you every time you walked in, how the pictures on the wall from many years of memories were still hanging strongly on the walls despite what you did it was like a flutter in your stomach went of, causing more to trigger as you finally made your way in to the living room.  
  
There were many face's you knew scattered around, some you didn't, some that you recognised from the years before but never took the time to get to know from one year to the next but more importantly there was Bellamy standing at the opposite end of the room with a soft warm smile looking at you. Naturally a smile came to your lips as you nodded at him in acknowledgement waiting patiently for him to respond. It was something you did in college, a silent question you called it reassuring one another everything is ok. Whenever someone would come to close, someone you clearly wasn't interested in Bellamy would give you a nod in. If you nodded back he came over and intervened, protecting you as one would call it, however if you raised your glass to him everything it silently told him everything was ok. Years you had kept that code, and years it had worked but as you waited patiently for his response, you wasn't sure which one you would get. It felt like forever but slowly you watched Bellamy raise his drink to you with the same soft smile and you couldn't help but let your lips fall in to a full blown smile and you finally breathed for the first time that night.   
  
"Hey" Clarke whispered "You ok?" she questioned leaning in to your side so you could hear her.   
  
"I'm good" You breathe looking at her in awe. "Want a drink?"   
  
"beer" she smirks as you scrunch your face up in disgust.  
  
"be back in a minute" You smile squeezing her hand gently instead of giving her a kiss. It's stupid you know, because you were invited together, but you don't want to rub it in because it wouldn't feel right and you have no idea how many peoples eyes are on you.   
  
When you step in the kitchen with mounts of other people pouring drinks or just casually having loud chatter away from the centre of the music, you suddenly stop in your footsteps as your eyes narrow on a bottle of wine in the far corner on the kitchen counter with a sticky note attached. 'DO NOT DRINK! LEXA'S' You take it in your hand slowly removing the sticky note to discover your usual bottle of wine you would drink every Wednesday evening. You smile while biting the bottom of you lip taking the moment for yourself, you feel giddy and childish because it feels like you're getting you best friends back slowly but gradually. You don't deserve it you know that, and sure as hell if you were Bellamy you're not sure if you could be the bigger person but god you love the man he is, that's why he's always been more of a brother to you than anything else because despite what you've done to him, despite the heart ache you caused, he still thought of you when collecting his own drinks, as if you wouldn't have time to collect your own, a routine you had grew so use to.   
  
"You look like you're about to cry over a bottle of wine" Octavia says startling you.   
  
"I feel like I could" You breathe after removing the bottle lid and grabbing a wine glass.  
  
"I have no idea why he's forgiving you" Octavia says casually while crossing her arms across her chest while you keep your eyes on the drinks infront of you. "But it's his choice and ill respect it, but I don't trust you" Octavia admits.   
  
"I understand that" You nod turning to face her like a adult.   
  
"I don't regret slapping you" She confesses.   
  
"I Know" You say softly. Bellamys and Octavia's relationship had always been over protective, its why you admired it and felt honoured to join them as a unit.  
  
"I have missed you though" Octavia confesses. "and it's going to be so weird seeing you with Clarke"   
  
"I've missed you too" You say honestly a smile pulling further at your lips as you stick your leg out slightly in a smirk. You watch Octavia look at it shaking her head before a smile is forming her own lips. A second later she's bumping her own foot against yours while rolling her eyes. It was your way of calling a truce. Years ago you had both fallen out and had a huge blazing row about Octavia stealing your clothes and never giving them back. You ended up making up while on opposite couches so Octavia had held her leg in the air in surrender and a truce only when you touched her leg back you both burst out laughing. Since then that was your way of calling a truce between any disagreements between you.   
  
"Dork" Octavia muttered before walking away sipping on her own drink.   
  
"Doofis" You mutter more than happy to fall in to your old routine with the brunette.   
  
\--  
  
"What took you so long?" Clarke flirted taking the beer from your hands. "Someone hitting on you already?" Clarke tease biting at her bottom lip making you laugh.   
  
"I'm not that good" You tease. "I bumped in to Octavia"   
  
"Oh" Clarke says more seriously. "You ok?"  
  
"We called a truce"   
  
"Please don't tell me you did your weird leg thing?" Clarke pleads shaking her head.  
  
"It's not weird" You defend pulling Clarke closer without even thinking about your surroundings as your hand rest on the base of her back. "What have you been doing since I've been gone?" You challenge playfully knowing the blonde can get up to all kinds of things in seconds.   
  
"Oh you know, phone number here. Little flirting there" Clarke shrugs like its the usual. "Booked myself a new years kiss in"   
  
"I'll fight anyone of" You swear it. As you hold Clarke a little tighter as you bring your lips closer.  
  
"Is that right"  
  
"You bet" You mumble before capturing her lips in a sweet lingering kiss. No matter how much you try to keep your kisses light you find it inevitable as your tongue pleads for entrance without even asking your own brain but when Clarke declines and pulls away with a soft smile you really, really want to pout.   
  
"Save it for midnight" She hums bringing her arms around your neck to dance without asking.   
  
"No. No. No" You protest already pulling her arms away from your neck "I'm not drunk enough to dance" You laugh.   
  
"I remember a time you would dance with me when ever I asked" She challenges.  
  
"That was because it was my excuse to have your body against me" You confess unashamed.   
  
"Now you don't want it?" She questions mocking offence with a raised brow.   
  
"I always want it" You try saving yourself as you kiss her lips quickly. "I love you don't I?" You question looking in to bright blue eyes that widened just a fraction every time you tell her, you will never bore of it and apart of you enjoys it when she doesn't say it back, because when she does say it, you know she'll mean it instead of just saying it to make you happy.   
  
"Dance with me then" She pleads pulling at your hand.   
  
"Just give me a minute" you cave shaking your head "I'm just going to find Bellamy ok?"   
  
"Want me to come with you?" Clarke says more seriously because she knows how nervous you've been since you found out you were coming here.   
  
"I'm ok" You reassure bringing Clarke closer to you as you stare at her lovingly. She's all the support you will ever need. "stay and have fun, I won't be long" You reassure bringing her hand to your lips before you moving away. "Oh Clarke" You breath quickly turning back to her.   
  
"Yeah?" Clarke says slightly concerned as her attentions draws completely back to you. "You look beautiful by the way" Lexa breathes. "I'm not sure I've said it yet" You frown hoping disappointed in yourself.  
  
When Clarke steps that tiny bit closer to you pressing her hand to your cheek and brining your lips together attentively you melt in to her body, her touch, her smell and especially her lips. You feel the hum of delight leaving your throat and vibrating against her lips as you pull her closer, once again forgetting everything.  
  
"You've told me twice" Clarke whispers with a soft laugh looking at you in amusement. "You kind of opened the door to me and babbled" She laughs eyes sparkling all over again. "Now go find Bellamy and tell me how beautiful I am later" She smirks pinching your arse until you yelp. "Go!" she winks pushing you as far away as possible from her. If you know the look in her eye like you think you do, you think its because she won't be able to stop herself if you stay there any longer.   
  
\---  
  
After wondering around the house weaving around everyone in search for Bellamy, you finally gives up as you enter the first room you started with. You'd think finding a big bushy haired lanky bloke would be easy, but apparently it isn't what its cracked up to be. However you're unable to rest until you find him so you're eyes wonder around the room aimlessly I'm hope to see black messy hair, only to stop on blonde long locks. You're smile forms instantaneously as you're eyes land on Clarke dancing while talking to a bunch of strangers you've never met before but one who seems very familiar as your eyes narrow in on her as he whispers in Clarkes ear. You frown a little wondering what's being said, wondering why he feels the need to place on hand on her hip as he leans in to be heard.   
  
"You love her" You hear Bellamy say beside you quickly catching your attention, but its brief as your eyes quickly find Clarke once more and the bald guy with his filthy hands on your girlfriend.   
  
"More than anything" You say cautiously as your eyes narrow in on Clarke's hip.  
  
"I don't know how I didn't see it before" he says arms crossed as he too looks in Clarke's direction. It felt territorial, although you know Bellamy wasn't here to fight for his woman back, but you know Bellamy knows Clarke in ways you have yet to learn but you try not thinking about that. "You've always looked at her differently, treated her differently" he confesses nodding in head in acknowledgement like he had over thought the pair of you to see how he missed it. "She always spoke about you differently too" he confesses turning to face you briefly as you do the same. You say nothing because you know asking excited like a little school girl about what Clarke use to say to him would be insensitive. "Have you told her?" he questions looking to the blonde once more as do you.   
  
You try not to focus on how Clarke's keeping the drunken man up right as she talks to him slowly like he's struggling to understand before batting his chest away from her. Every ounce of you wasn't go over there and remove the man yourself, but you know Clarke can handle herself and you can't just walk away from this conversation because you're feeling a tinge of jealousy at someone thinking they can take a shot with the woman you only just got. You stay rooted to the spot though ready to move if really necessary.   
  
"Yes" You admit remembering the very moment you confessed your love to Clarke, beneath the sheets and naked after hearing her sinful moans fill the bedroom as you kissed her repeatedly.   
  
"Does she love you?" Bellamy questions and you swallow at the question while looking in to your drink. It doesn't bother you that she hasn't said it, you're more than happy with the stage you're both at, but you know she had said it to Bellamy so you hated the answer.   
  
"No" You breathe bringing your gaze up to the blonde watching her sway effortlessly to the music again as the bald man wondered drunkenly of to the side getting the hint.   
  
"She does" Bellamy says seriously swallowing harshly himself as you turn your gaze to him confused. "She's been searching for you the whole time you've been gone" he admits. "Even when she was with me, she would subconsciously look for you she just never knew it"   
  
"Why are you telling me this?" You frown.   
  
"Because I forgive you" he breathes turning to face you fully his lip twitching awkwardly because the both of you were always terrible at communication. "You've always been a sister to me. I needed time because what you did hurt, but I've had time to think and the more I've thought about it, the more I should have noticed sooner"   
  
"Nothing was going on between us before" You frown.   
  
"maybe not" he admits. "but it was building in both of you, you just wasn't aware yet. Clarke's always been slower with emotions but that's due to her parents" He says softly and you can't help but scoff at the mention of them catching Bellamys attention. "You've met the parents?" he questions with wide eyes.   
  
"Can't take that back unfortunately" You confess making Bellamy laugh.   
  
"Yeah, there nothing like her" he breathes turning to Clarke once more.   
  
"Bellamy" You say seriously facing the blonde once more with a frown.   
  
"Who's that man?" you question harder than you was suppose to sound. The bald man seemed to have come back unwelcomed by Clarke.   
  
"Phil" Bellamy laughs. "He's a friend of mine, he's always hitting on Clarke, she handles him don't worry"   
  
"I'm not" You say jaw flexing.   
  
"Lexa" Bellamy says through a soft smile.   
  
"Yeah"   
  
"Just go" he laughs rolling his eyes. "You've been dying to pull her away since you started talking to me" he smirks.   
  
"You noticed" You say trying to stay toxic.  
  
"I can read you" he laughs. "You might aswel have jealous written on your head" You frown at him briefly because that is not what this is, well you don't think it is, only as you turn back to phil and Clarke and his hand is resting on her hip once more as he leans even closer to her it's confirmed. Ok, it's jealousy and annoyance, what's up with men getting the hint.   
  
"Go before you break your jaw" he laughs and so you do.   
  
The moment you step in the crowd you don't take your eyes of your girlfriend even as you weave around people, you're only feet away as Clarke's eyes find you and you watch her body relaxed momentarily as her eyes soften no longer looking at Phil or what ever his bloody name is.   
  
"Get your own!" You say pointedly yet warningly as you lean in to Phil while pulling on Clarke's hand with her as you back away in to the dancing crowd. Clarke can't help but smile as she's pulled away from Phil and in to your arms her blue eyes sparkling as she instantly wraps her arms around your neck and looks at you adoringly.   
  
"He just wouldn't leave" She breathes eyes already flickering to your lips like she's been wanting to kiss you since you left.   
  
"I saw" you confess pulling her terribly closer until you're hip to hip swaying to the music. "You wanted to dance with me" You smile running your hand up her back as you press her tighter.   
  
"Who wouldn't?" she grins her arms tightening around your neck as she breathes you in, you're foreheads millimetres away. "Did you find him?"  
  
"Yes" you breath struggling to think of Bellamy right now as you bring your hand to touch her cheek and slide down to her chin. "We're good" you breathe wanting to kiss Clarke already.   
  
"Good" Clarke hums biting her bottom lip teasingly knowing she has you under her trance. "What are you thinking about?" she questions through a smirk before biting on her bottom lip even harder.   
  
"kissing you" You admit gripping Clarke's chin to face you directly while shamefully not removing your focus from her lips.   
  
"Are you ever not thinking about kissing me"  
  
"Not that I can recall" you say reaching forward desperately to capture her lips. Thankfully Clarke let you and you whine instantly as your lips touch hers because she taste heavenly and Phil can go fuck himself.   
  
"The count downs only just starting" Clarke says amusingly as everyone goes silent around you only to shout out the seconds ticking down to New year.   
  
"I don't care" You breath pulling Clarke's lips to yours once more hungrily before nipping on her bottom lip not bothering for asking for permission as your tongue slips in to her open mouth effortlessly sending a jolt around Clarke's body as she quickly pushes harder in to yours with a vibrating moan. You love that you can do that to her.   
  
"Lex" Clarke breathes struggling to part the kiss as you kiss her repeatedly while she kisses you just as eagerly back, in the background somewhere you can just about hear everyone shouting Four.   
  
"Clarke" You say nipping at her bottom lip as you wait for her to continue but can't seem to stop kissing her so you trail them on line of her jaw.   
  
"I love you" Clarke breathes pausing your lips that were slowly edging back to Clarke's lips. You pull away slowly eyes immediately looking in to blue who's looking at you adoringly with a nervous shy amused smile on her lips.   
  
"What?" You question blinking more than you think necessary.   
  
"I love you" Clarke confesses breaking in to a wide smile as her hand cups your face. "I hope I didn't look like that when you told me" she laughs bringing your face closer to hers. "I love everything about you Lexa woods" Clarke confesses eyes flickering to your lips as she kisses the shock away. It take's you a moment to process it, to take it in and let it settle in your heart, but when it does, you feel like a million dollars, you feel like the world could disappear around you and you wouldn't care because Clarke's here in your arms kissing you after confessing she loves you.   
  
"I love you too" you breathe through desperate sloppy kisses as Clarke smiles against your lips. You honestly don't think you're capable of feeling more complete in this very moment, because nothing could top this very moment.   
  
"Can we go?" Clarke breathes parting the kiss to look at you, her blue eyes looking in yours. "I want you" She confesses  
  
Ok now you're full.   
  
"Yes" you breathe heavily kissing her lips once more before taking a step anywhere.   
  
\---  
  
It's rude you know that but you don't bother with goodbyes, honestly you don't think twice about it, you're to focused on getting home so you can have Clarke beneath the sheets, exactly how you love her.   
  
"I can drive" you say quickly because the plan was to ring a cab, but you didn't get change to drink anymore than one glass of wine.   
  
"Ok" Clarke mumbled kissing you once more before you dart opposite the other side of the car. When both of you are finally in the car you got to put the car in drive but Clarke's soft soothing hand comes over yours before she's climbing out of her seat and shifting above you. You all but sit their in shock as your hands come to either of her hips.   
  
"Clarke" You say nervously seeing the desperation in dark eyes, her body already rocking gently in to your despite not touching her at all.   
  
"I want you" Clarke breathes her breathes coming in sharply even before her lips are passionately attacking yours, her tongue doing all kinds of luscious things before she's biting down your jaw line pressing her hand firmly up your stomach and across your chest, gasping at how beautiful you are. "Touch me" she pleads as you swallow harshly.   
  
"Are you sure?" You say nervously your hand burying in her hair as you hold her closer feeling every heavy pant spread across your face pleasingly.   
  
"Yes" She breathes her eyes scrunching up in pleasure at just the grip you have in her hair. She's sexy when she's like this, scrunched up face and a panting mess.   
  
"I've never done this before" you say because you haven't but you can't help the wetness that's already been created between your legs at how desperate Clarke is in need for you.   
  
"Me neither" She confesses as she rocks in to you with purpose. She silences you with a kiss that bares you silent while whimpering in her mouth. You kiss her everywhere, on every inch of skin you can get hold of as your hand travels under her dress pushing past her soaked panties.   
  
"You're so wet" You breath moaning as you feel the slick against your fingers bringing a moan from Clarke's lips to as her hips buck in to your touch desperately as her head tilts back.   
  
"You make me like this" She pants crashing her lips in to yours as she brings her hand up aggressively to the handle on the roof of the car supporting her weight as you sink your fingers in to her pulsing centre. "Fuck" she groans sinking her hips in to you further as she take's you in while tightening around you.   
  
Sexy isn't exactly the words you would use as you watch Clarke moan out in to the car fogging the windows up as she find her own rhythm while rising and dropping her hips on to your fingers. With every second that passes you can feel more cum dripping down your fingers coating them in Clarke's silkiness. With every thrust you curl your fingers pushing your chest in to Clarke's as you kiss her deeply, wanting to taste every pant, every plea, every piece of pleasure as she pusles on you for more.   
  
"oh my.." Clarke calls out as she near reaches her peak she slams her hips back down more abruptly with a pace quicker than seconds ago as she clamps tighter around you, you can feel it coming, the way she tightens around your fingers, the way her kisses become so lazily she find its impossible to kiss you as her teeth grit at a earth shattering moan that has her teeth sinking in to the skin of your lips till its numb, you moan yourself bucking in to her as her forehead crashes lazily in to yours with her final moan of pleasure. You will never bore of watching her, feeling her, tasting her.   
  
"You're from another world" You breath sliding your own tongue over you sore lip before kissing her desperately. It's not legal to be this sexy. She laughs at you lazily as her body still heavily rest on you, your fingers still deep inside which gives you a different thrill altogether, the slightest movement would have her moaning all over again.   
  
"I love you" She says sloppily before opening her eyes to rest her forehead against yours.   
  
"I love you, like you wouldn't believe" you breath curling your fingers in her slowly. Her eyes fall close with a soft delicate moan trembling from her lips. Defiantly sexiest woman alive. "Cum for me again" you whisper kissing her earlobe before you're pumping in her again hearing her sinful moans all over again.   
  
You could do this for the rest of your life you tell yourself as you watch her cum more slowly all over again, you take pleasure in the way she grips your shoulders as she tries to keep her eyes open as she crumbles to the mess you make her, you love her more for it because she find it impossible every time but she tries none the less because she knows you love it when she falls apart.   
  
"Take me home" she pleads breathlessly and tiredly after the her third orgasm.   
  
"Happily" you whisper pecking her lips tenderly.   
  
When Clarke gets you home you thought she would fall asleep almost instantly, so it came as a big surprise when she pushed you against your apartment door and made you cum until you couldn't stand while confessing how much she loves you.   
  
"Move in with me" You blurt out early hours in the morning after watching Clarke begin to fall asleep for a few minutes.  
  
"What?" Clarke says sleepily like she's hearing things as she lays on her belly.   
  
"Move in with me" you question placing soft kisses over Clarke's bare shoulder. This time Clarke turns around to face you her eyes looking like you had just woken her. "I know we've only been dating officially for two months, but I fell for you along time ago, and I've knew you for over a year" Lexa tries to explain.   
  
"Ok" Clarke blurts out.  
  
"Yeah?" Lexa frowns making Clarke laugh.   
  
"You seem surprised?" Clarke says amusingly.   
  
"I just- really?" Lexa says a smile coating her lips as she's already climbing over the blonde.   
  
"why not? I love you" Clarke says softly. "We were best friends before, it's not like we're strangers. Plus you did kiss me for the first time like Four five months ago" Clarke says cheekily biting her bottom lip as she pulls your lips to her.   
  
"Happy New year" you say through the biggest smile you ever did own as you fall deeper in to Clarke's lips.   
  
A happy New year it really was.   
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it my friends :D  
> I hope it doesn't disappoint and thank you so much for all reading :D  
> This isn't the end of me though, I will continue to write even have a new story up called the interview.  
> Give it a go if you haven't been told its quite the read and rather funny :D

**Author's Note:**

> Absolutely adore all comments! Love Reading your little outburst, different view and opinions.  
> So feel free to continue yelling at me, correcting me, and sharing your own unique view on things.  
> I'm friendly I swear! :D


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